Saturday, September 4, 2010

Change.

"The only thing constant is change."
That saying has always bothered me. I feel like you should be able to stabilize your life.

A baby changes everything.
It'll be a nice change.
The seasons are changing.
Time for a diaper change.
I change my mind.
I need change for a ten.
I'll change into jeans.
Your voice changed.

I was getting a second MRI at this time last year. They told me I couldn't have kids. Boy did THEY have another thing coming! Over the last year I produced life. There is a human here- that wasn't here before. I can't believe what the female body is capable of. The cycle it goes through. The love. The growth. The pain. The love.

And the pain again...

Sometimes I don't feel like Kole is mine. He is someone else's baby and I am simply tending to him. I would like that feeling to change.

Sometimes I get so nervous about leaving the house with Kole I get physically sick. I would like that feeling to change.

Sometimes I feel like Kole will look directly at each person in the room and smile. but we won't look at me. I would like that feeling to change.

On the other hand.

Whether I feel it now or not he is mine.
He is developing and growing into his own unique self.
He loves me.
He needs me.

And I wouldn't change that for anything.

4 comments:

Karlenn said...

Wow, Kole is already smiling? That is so great. I often feel like my newborns don't give a rat's arse about me. That changes. And hopefully, soon the anxiety you feel about leaving the house will change. See you at church tomorrow?? We should play hookie from Sunday School and chat.

~Kayla~ said...

I have had the SAME feelings....They grow into yours! You are amazing in the pics I see and the things you do....Wonderful Momma!

johnandjana said...

He is yours Patty and you are a great Mom. He loves you and needs you. You have been greatly blessed. Have a good week.

megan said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I also feel like Tinian doesn't like me. He'll be crying and I hand him to Mark and he stops! What the HECK???!! He does love you though and hopefully you'll feel great enough to take Kole everywhere and show off how cute he is soon:) Hehe