Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm Not Following, Hun.

I have a cookie jar at my house.  This is because I'm a cookie muncher.  I find them to be the perfect sweet treat.  BBQ potato chips are the perfect salty treat.  Now.  Anytime me and Ken go to the store I want to get some cookies.  Ken has found this to be a most unattractive habit.  I'm not sure he thinks the buying of cookies is unattractive or the cauliflower thighs I have are unattractive.  Continuing.  Last time we were out Ken said:

"Just because there is a cookie jar doesn't mean there has to be cookies."

Pause for a dramatic effect here, please.

Uh huh.  I suppose he would also claim that just because there is an ocean doesn't mean there has to be water.  Just because there is a forest doesn't mean there has to be trees.  Just because there is traffic doesn't mean there has to be cars.  Just because there is a zoo doesn't mean there has to be animals.  I was at a loss.  Can you have a concert without fans?  Can you have laundry without dirty clothes?  Can you?  Can you?

If you have a cookie jar.  You have cookies.  Preferably DoubleStuft Oreos.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Whale of a Tale, Steal of a Deal

Last week my ultra-chic and super frugal friend Nat told me that you could get diapers at Walgreens for $2.50.  TWO FIFTY!  Now I am loyal to my brand.  I am loyal to all things in my life actually.  (Interesting Patty TidBitter for ya there.)  But I have tried all the brands and I am a Pampers Girl.  I was a Coke girl before I swore that off.  But Pampers.  They just work for me.  Anyway- this incredible sale was for Walgreens brand diapers.  Ooooo.  Hesitant.  Natters assured me that they were of quality and that if I hated them I could always return them.  And at $2.50 a pack (of 40) it was worth a shot.
So- off to Walgreens with the Mega Baby in tow.  We scored 6 packs of diapers for $15.26.  That's 240 diapers.  Sa-weet.  I was so proud of myself.  Look at me.  Becoming chic and frugal like Natalie.  The feeling lasted until the following morning when I went to get Kole out of his pee-soaked bed.  The diapers couldn't hack the Kolester.  So- off to Walgreens with Mega Baby and 5 packs of diapers in tow.  I told the woman I wanted to return the diapers because they didn't work for me.  She was happy to oblige.  I told her I got them for a killer deal and that I used coupons.  No problem she assured me.  She was ringing them up and the total came to 22 something for me to get back.  She printed out the receipt and asked me to sign it.  I felt... weird.
"Hey, I didn't pay this much when I bought them."
"Well that's what the computer says."
"Right.  But I only paid like $15."
"Well the computer says you should get $22 back."
"Well that's wrong.  I only paid $15 and I'm not bringing back as many as I originally bought.  How am I getting MORE money than what I spent?"
"This is what the computer says.  Do you want to talk to a manager?"
"I don't want you to get in trouble so, yes, I would like to talk to a manager."

The manager walks over.

"Is there a problem?"
"Not really- I just want to clear something through you."  I explained the situation to him.
Guess what he says.
"The computer says you should get $22 back."
"Yes!  BUT!  I never spent $22 and I still have a pack of diapers at home.  Which MEANS that you are giving me $7 and a free pack of diapers."
"Well- the computer says $22"
"What does your mind tell you."
"I'm not sure what you want me to do here ma'am."
"Well.... if you think this is all right and fair.  I guess I'll take it."
"Yup.  You're set!  Have a great day ma'am."

So, Walgreens is running an amazing special on diapers.  You get a package for free AND they'll give you $7.  Easy as that.

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Shut In

For a majority of my life- actually scratch that- for ALL my life up to the last 7 months I have enjoyed being on the run.  I like to go and do and be.  I have felt guilty for not working and contributing to... our gross domestic product.  I'm a moneymaker.  Staying home has always been boring to me.
Home is a trap. 
The fun is everywhere else.  I am one who must find the fun.  Occasionally that fun is in the Macy's Shoe Department.  Or on a rack at Ross.  Or on my bike.
But lately- I have felt really really super anxious about going out anywhere.  I would get antsy.  Antsy is too mild a word. I'd get sweaty.  If I have one thing to do that day (even something "fun" like visit Tori) I would fret and fret and fret about it.  For the full 24 hours before I had to go.  Hello, My Name is Lunatic-Lady.  I just get too nervous.  I don't even know what I am nervous about.  Any location, any activity outside the home is daunting to me.  Maybe it's the Graves. 

Anyway I told myself to quit the self torture and just stay home.  Just be.
I thought it would be harder.

I would like to announce I am now a recluse.
A modern day Greta Garbo... or Lauryn Hill.  Out of the public eye.  Away from the paparazzi.

So say your last goodbyes.

I love it.  I get the baby up and we read and stay in our jammers until noon or so.  Then the baby gets dressed but I stay braless and in my sweats and glasses.  Kole naps and I read my book.  I eat good meals that I can make by myself now.  And it is more relaxing.  I hide when someone comes to my door.  I turn my phone off des temps en temps. I am indoors.  Yesterday we did take a walk around the greenbelt.  Come on!  It was like 45 degrees out.  I had to.  But then straight back inside.  Deadbolt on.  I'm not going out.  Nobody is coming in.  My neighbors are going to tell tales about the young jaded housewife who was so vibrant and on the go... who is no more.  I haven't bolted the blinds shut yet... but the thought has crossed my mind.  Maybe just the front ones.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Manual

People are always telling me there are no manuals for children.  What I can't figure out it why there isn't a manual.  Everyone wants one.  There is a huge demand.  Colossal demand!  There's the What to Expect books.  The only useful one was "... When You're Expecting" and even that- I think it is more exciting than useful.  I mean second time around- I don't think I'll even look at it.  And I would ADD some things.  Like you will KNOW when you are in labor.  If you think you "might be"... you're not.  Or if your feet swelled up when you were pregnant they won't go back as soon as you deliver.  In fact, nothing goes right back.  And the feet go last. 
So, my sister and I have been tossing around the idea of writing A Manual.  I think it would sky rocket.  But the more we talk the more we realize our kiddos are different.  What works for Ms. Greta is a joke to Mr. Koleson.  What works for Koler the Roller is a disaster for Greta the Great.   Perhaps, I have thought, all children are different.  Ah Ha! That's why there is no "Manual."  But I think I could write one for Kole.  It would sell one copy.  Ken would buy it to make me feel good.  Who else would need it?  But I like thinking up parts of it anyway.

Kole loves to grab noses, ears, hair, fingers, and clothes.
Kole loves to sleep but he hates going to bed.  Napping on a schedule will happen loosely.  Don't expect it to be every hour and a half to two hours.  He won't be tired and will put up his dukes and fight you to stay up.  Kole will give you signs.  Flag signals, smoke signs, greeting cards, facebook status, email, text, post its.  He rubs his eyes when he is tired.  He will look like a chipmunk who is sad because he can't find any nuts to eat.  He will also not want to play on the floor anymore.  The Master likes to be in his pajamas for his first nap of the day.  The best thing to do is hold him and hum while you close all the blinds in his room and turn off the light.  He'll clap for you maybe 3 claps?  And then really dig into your shoulder.  He'll try to rub his eyes on your shoulder.  Then, then you're golden.  Lay him in his cribby and place your hand on his chest for a few seconds.  Tell him you love him and say goodnight.  He will let out a shrill scream.  In 20 seconds he'll be asleep.  Naps.  Bed.  All the same gig.

Kole is a big kid.  He needs more than one itsy bitsy container of baby food to fill his vast mass.   If his mouth is open that means more food.  Don't be surprised if he eats for 30-45 minutes.  He likes his food fast.  He was used to a constant flow.  If you feed him too slowly he will let you know by pounding incessantly on his highchair and grunting.  The child does get a little snacky before and after a meal.  (Inherits that from his madre) I think of it as an appetizer and a dessert.  Baby MumMums do the trick.   Kole will stop eating when he is full.  But that doesn't mean he will stop putting things in his mouth.

Kole likes variety and entertainment in his playtime routine.  The most important playtime rule is don't overdo it.  Kole is very sensitive and likes things to go smooth and easy.  If we just read a book don't move right into throwing him up the air.  (You'll throw you're back out.)  Go from book to patty cake to dancing around to rough housing.  Be especially gentle and soft when he first wakes up.  Every time he wakes up it's like a bear coming out of hibernation.  Very sleepy, very stiff, a little weary, hungrier than ever, and not really ready for a lot of interaction.  Nothing big for the first half hour or so.  Maybe then give him a piece of paper, a paper plate, a magazine, old mail, bank statements, piano music, a book you won't miss, a stack of coupons, anything that crinkles.  That seems to take the edge off and get him in the mood for some real fun.

Kole cries from time to time.  Sometimes it means "I am hungry and need nourishment."  Sometimes it means, "Mama, pick me up!" Sometimes it means "I don't want to get in the car".  Sometimes it means, "I am really quite tired.  I'd like to take a rest."  Sometimes it means, "Where the heck is my mom?!  Who are you?!"  Sometimes it means "This onesie is too tight!  Let me out!"  His cries are pretty straightforward.  You can tell if it's a mad as hell cry or needy helpless cry.  As far as what to do when the crying starts?  Just give him back to me.  That works 100% of the time.

I think it'd be fun to write a manual for each of my kids.  Having only one right now I ought to get started while the task is small.

Other Factoids about the Kolester:
Talks in his sleep
Enjoys being applauded
Will always face the sun even if it's in his eyes and he has to squint
Is a closet-splasher
Has the Poulsen Sinus Curse
Sings along when I play piano

Monday, February 14, 2011

Never-Ending, Everlasting

Ken is in Salt Lake today- but this weekend was the best Valentine's ever.

Friday we had:
It was heartshaped and covered in mushrooms, peppers, olives, and pepperoni.  I love pizza and Ken love me.  It was magical.

And watched:

I never knew Sean Connery was such a babe!  Hottie alert.  Big time.  When I heard that Sean Connery had been James Bond I couldn't imagine a stocky, old, Irish man fighting for British Intelligence.  I was happily surprised and thoroughly entertained.

Saturday morning I made:
I MADE these!  Maple donuts.  Yes... the picture looks fantatic.  I'm a bit of a closet chef I suppose.  I did overcook them and the first batch was a little dry.  But the frosting!  The nuts!  I think I ate 4?  Or was it 5?

And recieved:
I've been wanting one now that I am back on the Piano BandWagon.  Learning new songs is twenty times easier when someone else is keeping the beat.  Kole can clap now but he gets tired during a 30 minute pratice session.

And gave:
Not an iPod.  Just a case.  Ken got an iPod forChristmas and has been caryring it around in it original packaging.  He takes a lot of pride in his posessions.  Even when he looks like a dorkus malorkus.  So the case should help there.
Ken loves this movie.  He laughs until he turns red and tears come out of his eyes.  I think it is so-so funny.  But whenever Ken is in need of a good laugh he always wants to rent Caddyshack.  I scored it for $3.  Enjoy honeybuns.

Around noon I:
Which was neither lovey or dovey.  But needed done.  And it wasn't that bad just doing my own.

Afterwards we dropped:
You know who-sey.

off with:
The Grandparent's Poulsen.  He likes it there.  At least he normally does when I'm there. On this particular trip he cried for an hour and a half.

And went to eat at:
I had the bloomin' onion, a sald with Ranch sans maters, and the large set of Kookaburra wings.  I bet you didn't even knowthat kookaburras HAD wings!  Well?  They do!  And they are fantastic!  Especially with some bleu cheese.

That night we watched:

Could be my all time favorite show.  I am borrowing them from Ken's dad.  Elaine is my favorite.  Then Jerry.
We didn't turn into ducks.  We cuddled.  This is the closest picture I could find.  I'm Daisy Duck and Kenner is Donald.

Sunday we:
Churched.  Nothing really finny to say there.  Just went to church.

We put our baby in the stroller and walked.  We walked for at least an hour.  It was so warm.  Really it was probably 35 maybe 40 degrees.  We held hands, we talked about our future, we were sappy sappy sappy.  It is Valentine's.
To wrap it up we watched:
This is a classic.  All these little wranglers trying to be men.  Roping cattle.  Riding horses that are way too big for them.  Spitting, cursing, getting drunk on Tennesse Sour.  It was fantastic.

Ken is me own Balemtime.  I just love him.  

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Koley Roller.

Kole has more rolls than a German bakery.  End of story.

Conversations (Part 3 of 3)

The series draws to an end.  I guess this post would be considered the season finale.  There won't be any cliff hangers.  There most likely won't be a repeat season.  Let's just enjoy it for what it was.  Complete entertainment.

Part 3

"Calling the Pediatrician"
"Okay.  Okay."

Kole has been an excellent sleeper.  He likes to take naps.  He got that from me.  He has slept "through the night" since about the second week of his life.  I put "through the night" in quotes because apparently like 6 or 8 hours is through the night.  I want him to sleep through THROUGH the night.  Like my sister's baby, Greta, she sleeps from 6pm to 6am.  I'm not crazy about the 6am thing but at least the girl gets 12 hours in.  And my cousin, Courtney?  Her baby sleeps 7 to 7.  Kole was sleeping from 8:30 to about 5:00 and then until 8 or sometimes 9.  I liked our little schedule.  Kole?  I thought he liked it.  But about a month ago he started getting up at all kinds of ridiculous hours of the night.  I was sure something was wrong.  Why was he suddenly waking up?  Was he getting a tooth?  We are switching him onto solids... is that hurting his tumbly?  I'd go in and soothe him.  Normally nurse him back to sleep which takes like 45 SECONDS.  I just was tired and wanted to go back to sleep.  After a week, maybe 10 days, of this I realized he was getting up at the exact same minute every night.  11:48 and 4:17.  This boy was playing my card.  I was frustrated.  And confused was something really bothering him?

I called his pediatrician's office and spoke to one of the nurses.  I love his doctor and I love the nurses there.  They are really helpful and for the most part sympathetic.  It's like having a batallion of medical and experienced mothers at your disposal.

P:  Hi.  My son is six months old and he used to sleep really good, but now he wakes up at the same two times every night and I have started feeding him solid foods and then he started waking up. 
N:  Okay, okay.  How old is your son?
P:  He's a little over six months.
N: Okay, okay, and how long has he been eating solids?
P:  Umm... three weeks? About three weeks.
N:  Okay, okay... and how many times does he wake up?
P:  Twice.  At the exact same times every night.  (I was really excited... there is something wrong.  Something wrong that has an easy solution!  this nurse is going to tell me!  Yippee!  No more crying baby!)
N:  Okay, okay, and do you go in there when he wakes up?
P:  Yes.
N:  Okay, okay, and what do you do?
P:  I pick him up and hold him and try to make him go back to sleep.
N:  Okay, okay... do you nurse him?
P:  Most of the time.  It's just the easiest way.
N:  Oh, absolutely!  Right.  Okay, okay.  Well, I think I know what is happening.
P: What?  What is it?
N:  Well, your baby is smarter than you.
P: (Laughing) What?
N: (also laughing)  You see, your child is at an age where he knows that all he has to do is cry and you will come in and make him feel better.  So, he's smart.  And by you going in there it proves that he is smarter than you.

Her advice?  Let him cry as long as it takes.  Know that he is fine and don't go in there.  It'll take 4 nights.  And then it'll be back to all night sleep.  I knew that's what I had to do before I called.  I knew that was the only way.  But sometimes you need to hear it from a health professional.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Negotiation

One of Ken's most admirable qualities is his ability to say "no"  without using that word.  It took me years to catch on.  He just never said "no" to anything.  I thought I was married to the "yes" man.  Whatever I wanted all I had to do was ask.  Ken would never say no.  The rabbit in his hat is Ken would give the answer "no" in ways where it sounded like a "yes."  Example:  Patty says, "Can we go to The Outback for dinner tonight?"  Ken says, "Hey!  Why don't we pick up a Redbox on the way home and I'll make taco salad."  You see?  He never said no.  He presents a fun alternative and never mentions what you ask for. Part of/most of his game is distraction.  But it always made me feel like a "yes."  Did we go to Outback?  No.  Or... "Ken, I think we should get a new computer."  Ken would reply with something along the lines of, "I think so too."  But doesn't offer to go look at one or but it.  I am left feeling perfectly satisfied that he agrees with me.  Ken and I have been married for a little over 5 years and I have him on my radar.  Now, I can see CLEARLY when he is saying "no."  And I call him on it.  And sometimes I even make him say it--- "So... you mean no?"  And Ken will try to make it sound like he didn't say no.  But he did.  I'm onto him.  I had him so figured out.
Until he pulled a new trick on me.
A couple Saturdays ago we were getting ready for bed.  With early church, I asked, "What time should we wake up to get ready?"  I was explaining how long it took me to get ready, how long it took to feed Kole and get him ready, how much time Ken would need to get ready... Church is at 9:30.  I admit I was fretting a little.  I get worked up over... little things.  So!  Mastermind Ken said, "Why don't you set the clock for 8?  You can get up and take a nice long shower, then do your hair.  You can wake Kole up and feed him.  The house will be all quiet and calm, and then I'll be up at like 9."  Problem solved!  I married the most understanding man.  Helping me find solutions to my problems in my hours of need.
Sunday morning the clock rang at 8.  I got up.  Ken stayed in bed. I showered.  Ken stayed in bed.  I was drying my hair and looked at the clock 8:35.... I should get Kole up soon.  Ken is still in bed.  That's when it dawned on me.  Ken was still IN BED!  I had gotten up early to get myself ready AND Kole ready all before Ken got up.  I could have slept at least 45 more minutes!  Why did I want to do this?  What a dumb idea!  Wait!  It wasn't my idea- it was KEN'S idea!  I put the blow dryer down and stomped over to the bedroom.  I swung open the door, "You tricked me!  You made me get up and get everything done while you slept in bed."  Ken just laughed all sleepily.  "It took you long enough to figure out."

The longer we are married the more I am catching on.  Ken's powers become harder for him to use for evil.  And I love him more now than I did when we were first married.  Even though I know that he's a tricky badger.  It's a cycle.  I catch on and love Ken more and more.  Ken realizes I am on to him and tries harder to elude me.  Love makes the world go round.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Like that new blog header?  I do.  My sister created it.  Andi is unbelievably talented.  She started like... I dunno, An, what would you say 5? 6 years ago?  She used to make movies with her and Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.  It was a beginning.  Then she made the best vacation videos ever.  I borrow them all the time and watch them over and over and overandoverandoverandover.  She made my wedding video, Julie's wedding video, and her own. Which I cherish.  (Snippets are available on Facebook.)  Andi has skyrocketed.  She has taken classes, done her research, and boomed into a very gifted individual.  Her talent has developed beyond any one's expectations.  Andi resides in Monterry, Mexico and has recently launched her own company.  DoublClik.  She does it all!  She can make you feel and look like a million bucks.  My sister is going places and I am so proud of her.  She has the best taste in photography.  Her style is my style.  Or the style I wish I had.  She will design a blog header for you too!  It's going to run you $35.  Contact her for details and a personal consultation.  If you need proof that this woman is a genius with the camera and with graphics... look at or contact her at  And! If you are short on cash at the present.... she's running a Valentine's Promo.  That's fa-ree! 
I'm already in!  Stay tuned for what she does with me!

Conversations (Part 2 of 3)

I had some calls and chats about the last post.  Let's say there was some speculation regarding it's validity.  I admit that I don't remember everything word for word.  I might use a exclamation point when during the situation a period probably would have sufficed.  Maybe I replace a "May I" with a "Can I." But, I don't add any of the meatiness.  For instance, I did tell that woman I got my Masters in '09.  I did accuse her of not liking me.  She was that nutso.  These things really happen to me!

Here's another one.

Part Two

"Fixing My Internet"
"Let Me Ask You a Personal Question."

You've all heard me complain that my internet is the slowest.  Period.  Just the slowest ever.  I have been trying to get a hold of my provider for about a month now.  There's a power bar that pops up whenever I go online.  It goes from 0-100 in increments of 20 to show you how good your connection is.  I surf at a 20.  Which is really sinking.  After a month (Ken will vouch for that) of not getting my calls answered I decided to go into my local branch office.  (Maybe staying home isn't such a great idea for me.... I end up going places.)  I went in and told the girl there what the problem was.  She was helpful and put a message out to the tech team, while I stood there, and told me they would be calling either that night or first thing in the morning.  I felt accomplished.  Finally, some action.  And, I daydreamed that in 24 I would be able to actually get online, check my e-mail, REPLY  to an e-mail, leave comments on the blogs I read.  Ask Jules-a-bug-Stinkweeder... I was sending her two e-mails this morning. I sent one and while I was trying to get back to my inbox to send the other one she called and said she only got one.  Yeah.  Like 10 minutes had passed.  It's a crap hole/shoot/pile of.  So.  No call that night.  No call all the next day.  But that NIGHT at about six (?) they called me. 
His name was TJ.  Which was the name of my high school.  Thomas Jefferson (Touch Daaaauwn Jag-aurs!)  It connected us.  Now, TJ didn't know he sported the name of my first Alma mater and that I instantly liked him for that reason (I'm a labeler) so he was going to put on his best customer service costume and dance the night away.  TJ kind of talked like Barney the Dinosaur.  Real... cheesy.  Real... up and down.  Like, "Let's go out and PLAY today."  Can you hear it?  That's TJ.

TJ:  Hello, this is TJ, I am calling in response to the claim you placed regarding your internet service.
(Can you hear how his voice goes up and down realy sugary?)
P:  Oh, good!
TJ:  I represent the company, ___________, (name protected) and it is our number one goal to make sure you are satisfied.
(I'm going to quit sizing my fonts to match his voice... it's taking too long with this slow interent.)
P:  Good.
TJ:  So, I'm looking at your report and it seems you are not satisfied.
P:  Yeah, it's really slow.  It has been since we got it.  It's frustrating.  I normally am at 20 on the power bar but sometimes I go to 40.
TJ:  Yes, I see.  Well?  When your internet is not working fast enough it can be frustrating.
P:  Yes.  I know.
TJ:  Well?  Patricia, Can I ask you a personal question?
P: (pause)  What kind of personal questions does he need to ask to fix my internet?  Sure.
TJ:  What do you use your interent for?
P: Well.... I have a blog and we have a new baby so we upload and download a lot of pictures and that takes forever.  We wanted to watch movies off Netflix but it's too slow.
TJ:  Okay!  Well, for those needs I think that a 2G connection would suffice.  Our 4G is really for people who are on the road and want to take the internet with them.
P:  Will it be faster?  Or at least work? Is this a sales pitch or an IT call?
TJ:  It will more than exceed your expectations!  I am sure of that.  While, I've got you on the line, can I ask you a personal question?
P:  Yessss.
TJ:  How often do you use your computer?
P:  Everyday.
TJ:  Everyday?  Okay.  Can I ask you are personal question?
P: You can.
TJ:  Do you have a laptop or a PC?
P:  I have a laptop.
TJ:  A laptop.  Okay.  Well, let me ask you a personal question.  Do you think your service could be faster?
P:  Why, yes I do! That's why I called.
TJ:  Ok, well to figure this out, let me ask you a personal question.  Do you use your computer in the basement?
P:  No.  There's no signal down there.
TJ:  Okay.  That's good.  Sometimes we get calls and it's not working but they are in the basement and, you are right, there aren't good signals in the basement.  So, let's move on!  Here's a personal question: Are you home right now?
P:  That's the first "personal question" that is semi-personal  No.  I'm not right now.
TJ:  Well, when you get home, here is what I want you to do.  Take your laptop and go to the highest place in your house.  You should have a better signal there and your internet will be faster.
P:  Are you KIDDING me?!  That's your technical support?  Go to the highest place?  Sit on the roof and hope for a better signal? TJ?  I have tried to get a signal in every room of my house.  It's just not working.
TJ:  Patrica, we like to resolve as many conflicts as we can over the phone.  I need you to try this method.  I believe it will solve our problem.
P:  What if it doesn't.
TJ:  Then we will do our utmost to ensure you are 100% satisfied with your service.
P:  Okay thanks.
TJ:  You are welcome.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?
P:  I think I have to go to the highest spot on my house first.
TJ:  Yes!  That will work!  Have a nice evening Patricia.

Here's what gets me.  All the personal questions!  He could have just asked those basic questions and we could have zoomed through the conversation that lead nowhere.  Nowhere!  Go to the highest spot on your house!  That's how to get better service!?  I know a lot of people who have internet and none of them are sitting in their attics trying to downloads videos off YouTube.  I also noticed that my voice started to mimic TJ's.  All that Barney, sappy, up and down.  It was cheery and kind of fun!  I do that a lot.  Copy the voice or tone of the person/stranger I am conversing with.Needless to say, I called the next day and told Jane at IT that TJ's advice didn't work.  She suggested trying a router.  I'm picking one up today.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Conversations (Part 1 of 3)

Whenever I relay an interesting encounter with Ken regarding perhaps a quarrel with someone I don't know or have never met, he reminds me that I bring out the best in people. 

Part One
"TextBook BuyBack"
"That's Illegal"

I love eating at The Outback.  It's those wings.  And their salads.  Something in their Ranch is sensational.  I order the same thing everytime I go.  (Bloomin' Onion, Salad with Rand sans Maters, and Tassie Buffalo Wings)  Ken told me that if I went to ISU and tried to sell back our old textbooks he would take me to dinner at The Outback.  All I had to do is try.  I didn't have to actually make any money.  I didn't think we'd really get anything because I had exhausted the textbook buying circuit.  Amazon took a bunch, Chegg took some, Book City in town bought a few others.  I was left with the duds.  But The Outback can make me do incredible things.  I packed up the baby and book-duds and headed over to ISU.  I could tell as soon I we got there things weren't going to go that well.

Let's dialogue it out.
P = Patty Poulsen from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
MG = Mean Girl who works at the university bookstore.

(Me and Kole enter the bookstore.  We are one foot in.)
MG: Miss!  Miss!  You have to leave your belongings on the shelf.
(I look around.  There is a lady at the register glaring at me.  She has a customer.)
P:  Did that lady talk to me?  Do I have suspicious belongings?  No.  It must have been something else. (Me and Kole continue in)
MG:  Excuse me!  I said your belongings go on that shelf!
P: Is she talking about Kole?  In his stroller?  Does she want me to leave his stroller by the shelf?  Does she realize there is a child in it?  Oh.  I didn't realize you were talking to me.  I only have this stroller and my son is in it so... we're just going to stick together.
MG:  Okay, your son does not have the conscious ability to know where he is or if he is "sticking" with you.  So I don't think you should use the term "we."  Second, this isn't exactly public access.  If you want to take a walk you should take him to the park.
P: (floored) Does she realize it is snowing outside?  Does she really think I chose to get exercise in a cramped university bookstore?  I am here to sell some books back.
MG:  I'm working overtime right now and it's not the greatest time to be selling books back.
P: (confused.)  Is it not the greatest time because she is working overtime?  I don't get that correlation. I feel bad for the kid who she is supposed to be waiting on.  I just had these laying around and I don't really care what I get for them.
MG:  Well the semester started a week ago and we already bought back what we want and ordered what we needed so I don't think you'll get anymore than 30% of what they're worth.  Plus, we rent books now.
P:  You know a lot about your job.
MG:  I am working overtime.
P:  So you have said.  I'll just wait my turn in line and then we'll talk.
MG:  You're wasting your time.

IB = Innocent Bystander = Kid who was waiting at the register listening to all this.

IB:  What are you selling?
P: (reaching down into the stroller basket) I have....
MG:  She doesn't have what you need.
IB:  I was just asking her.
MG:  That's illegal.
P:  No it's not.
MG:  Yeah, it's illegal to buy textbooks from other students.
IB:  Why?
MG:  She won't have what you need.
P:  Wow.  Are we competing for a prom date here?  Let the kid ask! Let me show him for crying out loud.  I have these.
IB: (looks through) Oh.  Nope.  Not what I was looking for.
MG:  I TOLD you!  Ha!
P:  Yup.  You were right.  I hope you can keep this near sale of books from one student to another under your hat. 
(IB leaves.  MG is fuming)
MG:  Well?  Do you have your Student ID?
P:  Yes, but I don't go to school here anymore.
MG:  You dropped out.

SIDENOTE:  I hate the term "dropped out."  I hate it even more when it's referring to me because I have every intention of finishing school.  I hate it the most when someone is calling me a drop out and they don't know me.  They only know they don't like me.  (Probably because I am so pretty.)

P:  I got my Masters in '09.  (It slipped out!)  These are from my husband's schooling.  I have all of these.  (sets books on counter)  I know they are out dated so whatever you can offer.
MG:  (begins surveying books)  Old! (slams on counter)  Old!  (slams on counter)  This is over 2 years old! (slams on counter.  pauses.  holds up a book.)  Do you see what this says?
P:  Um... Organizational Business Statistics?
MG:  What edition?
P:  I'm not sure.
MG:  This is an International Edition.  Do you know it's illegal to be in possession on this book?
P:  No.  I bought it on Amazon.
MG:  You broke the law.  Americans have different statistical systems than the rest of the world and they don't want us knowing what it is.
P:  Well, I bet we all find standard deviation the same way. (smiles...coyly)
MG:  Like I said.  That's illegal. (continues going through books.  pauses.  holds up another book.)  What book is this?
P:  REALLY?  Again?!  Just go through the stack and tell me if you can buy any!  That's a math book.  College Algebra it looks like.
MG:  Do you notice anything out of the ordinary about it?
P:  No.
MG:  It's a Teacher's Edition and that's illegal for you to have in your possession.  Did you steal it?
P:  No.  I bought it on Amazon.  But it really came in handy in class.  Especially when I was taking my tests.  I just laid it open right on my desk.  The teacher didn't care.  Since my book said Teacher's Edition he figured I was one of his peers.  Not a student.  He gave me an A.  I wish I could have gotten my hands on one of these for each of my classes.  It would have made getting my Masters so easy!
MG:  We don't want your books.
P:  You haven't even finished looking at them.
MG:  I don't want to finish.  I don't think there will be anything this University is looking for.
P:  You mean there won't be anything YOU'RE looking for!  You don't like me because I am not taking your accusations seriously.
MG:  Thank you for coming in.

I gathered my books.  Pushed the stroller over to the front door and dumped my books in the garbage.  Which I am sure was illegal.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Spy

Do you notice anything different on the side of my blog?
Does that make you want to do anything?

More changes are brewing brought to you by DoublClik.

And a real post is coming too....
....about me.... and Kole.... and it's going to be funny.... do you believe me?