Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Stress on Multiple Levels.

Today I am stressing because I have 3 errands to complete:

1.  Drop off library books that are due today.
2.  Refill printer cartridge.
3.  Go to post office to mail letters.

I wish I could explain why having three things to do stresses me out.  I like having one thing to do a day.  And I like it when that one thing is "Get the mail." 
I think about 3 years ago- I was working in an accounting firm and January was my busiest, most hellish month of the year.  And I THRIVED on it.  The deadlines.  The mayhem.  The phone ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  Working Saturdays.  Man!  It was a major rush.  I mean, I hated it.  But it really got my blood pumping.  Today, I have 3 incredibly mundane things to do and I can't control my breathing I am so nervous about it. 
Don't know.
I also need to take my nail polish off but I don't want to kill myself from stress levels.  So that might wait until tomorrow. *wink*

On a more emotional side- I've been worried about this new baby.  Not health wise.  I think the cub is thriving.  I feel him moving and I know he is fine.  Ken makes me eat all this healthy crap anyway.  Like broccoli.  Without veggie dip.  Which, I mean, have you had broccoli just plain?  It's really dry.  You need a little Ranch in 'ere!  Ken claims I am an "unclean vessel" and he needs to help the baby as much as possible.  Pa. Lease.  Yeah, I did hear the FDA banned eating Doritos during pregnancy.  Too unhealthy for the mother and unborn child.  Yeah right.  Let me have my Cool Ranch, babe.  Trust me, I need them close right now.
I'm worried because I don't feel as close to this unborn child as I did with Kole.  I remember constantly rubbing my belly with Kole Bob (even before it stuck out).  I would talk to him and read and write in his journal.  I'd dream about him and make up songs for him.  Koley-Unborn took up all my thoughts.
And with this little gremlin... I sometimes forget I even am pregnant.  Like, today, I'm sorting laundry catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, "Time to lose that Christmas weight."  I stand up straight to take a closer look and remember I'm pregnant.  That's why my belly is sticking out.  How does a mother forget she's pregnant?  Do I really care that little? 
When I think of having a new baby I am excited about it.  I just think of it like... once a day... or every couple days.  And the rest of the time... it's completely off my star charts.
So, I have this fear that the new baby is sensing my unpurposeful neglect and is going to come out all mad and screamy.  I mean, maybe Kole is so mellow and cuddly and close because I was that way with him pre-birth.  And with this new baby... I mean...

 I could be in serious trouble here.


Friday, January 27, 2012

HUMILIATION with friends

Since I got my iPod Touch (and grew out of my Angry Birds phase) I've been all about the "Words With Friends."  I don't know why they don't just call it Scrabble.  That is what it is after all.  I play around the clock.  It keeps track of when you play and posts so when your friend comes on it'll read "Patty played EXECUTES 6 hours ago."  I was embarrassed at first because every time I got on it would say "Rachel played GUITAR 6 seconds ago" or "Wendy played COINS 3 minutes ago."  Maybe some people wait it out a little to "be cool."  But we know I lost those cool vibes decades ago.  I've resolved within myself that I am punctual and reliable and I post my word immediately.  Even if I have to wait 8-12 hours for them to post a word back.  Dorkus Schmorkus. Hey.  Don't call me names, man.
Anyway- Ken suggested I break out of the Words with Friends game a little.  I never like to change a good thing- but I do like to please my Kenner.  So, I downloaded CHESS with Friends! 
Totally Different!
Way out of the box!

Not really.  Plus, apparently there aren't that many of my friends interested in playing Chess.  4 were listed and none of them had played in the last 6 months.  So, after much consulting with myself, I decided to have the world wide web chose an opponent for me.  This was daunting.  I'm an above average chess player (Toot!  Toot!  <---- That's my own horn blowing.) but I'm not competition worthy.  And, summoning an unknown opponent felt a little like entering a competition.  I was assigned a player and in my head I pictured them as a 4th grader who was just learning how to play.  I grew confident that over the course of the game I'd be able to teach my little pupil something.  Some fast moves.  A couple tricky maneuvers.  Something he could brag to his friends about in between rounds of Pokemon Battles.

The game began.

Move One:
I advanced a pawn.
As did my opponent.
Move Two:
I advanced another pawn.
He brought out his Queen.
Over zealous move. I scoffed.
Move Three:
I moved my third pawn.
He moved his bishop and a blue pop up window read "Check Mate!  You Lose!"

Jaw drop.
Three moves.  I was checkmated.  I was dead meat.  I was lifeless on the doorstep.

What the heck?  Why did they put me up against the greatest chess player in the world?  Didn't they know this was my first time trying this?  How about a confidence boost?
If I wasn't so impressed I would have been seriously upset.

It was really embarrassing.  My opponent probably sat in his living room with his huge brain (and multiple cats) watching Vampire Diaries casually ruining my self-esteem in 3 moves.  My head was hanging pretty low.  Ultimate embarrassment.  I couldn't even tell Ken for a day or two.

To wrap this up, I haven't been able to start another round of Chess.  I'm too nervous I'll get pitted against another genius.
But I am trying to get signatures on my petition to switch the name from "Chess with Friends" to "Humiliation with Friends."  It seems more suitable.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Truth Is...

Truth is Koley is 18 months old as of yesterday.
He seems a lot older than that to me.
Sometimes he seems like he's my age.
Or maybe it's the reverse and I am a lot like him.
I don't know.  He just seems older than one and a half.
Those feelings I'm sure will go away when the new babe-a-loo comes and my confidence dwindles.

Truth is Ken and I did go on our 5th date in the last 18 months last Friday.
We went and saw Jim Gaffigan.
He was saying his wife just had their 4th baby.
In describing having a 4th kid he said:
"Imagine drowning... and then someone hands you a baby."
I laughed.  For the full hour and a half he performed.

Truth is... I don't feel like I am drowning at all.
I feel really on top of things.  Like I could be the life buoy.
Don't throw this back in my face when I am gravelling for a break.  And crying because "life's too hard."
I think it's the magical 2nd trimester- and not puking 50,000 times a day.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Operation: Shutty Uppy

Sometimes I seriously want to bite some peoples head off.
In the last (let's round up and say) 10 days, people (neighbors, friends, strangers, haters) have made the following comments to my face regarding my son.
  1. "Why does he wake up in the middle of the night still?"
  2. "You can give him just a little candy, it won't hurt."
  3. "His hair is really long.  Have you ever thought about cutting it?"
  4. "It's really okay to leave him with a sitter, nothing will happen."
  5. "Do you spend all you time with him?"

Now, I possess tact.  So I take these slightly condescending remarks and questions in tow.  And I cover for you.  I make you feel comfortable and at ease and not like the completely disrespectful, nebby nosed, nincompoop you are.  So, fear not ding bats- I will continue to take your insults to my motherhood in stride.
But just know that on the inside I am an inferno and my real answers to your questions are interlaced with swear words.

What I say out loud:
  1. *Shrugs* Could be a growth spurt.
  2. Thanks, but I'd rather not. *smiles*tilts head*
  3. Isn't it?  And it's so silky! *strokes Kole's hair*
  4. We're discussing options for a sitter.  *Nods incessantly* We are looking for really specific qualities.
  5. I do. Yup.  It's my job.

What I say inside:
  1. Really?  You're asking me why?  I'm 27 and I still wake up in the middle of the night!  It's human nature.  It happens.  I can't explain everything about babies.  Why are bushes bushy?  Why are leaves leafy?  I mean we could be here all night!  And then nobody would get any sleep.  Would you like that, hmmmmmmm?
  2. I'm not raising a diabetic.  So don't offer it, k?  And especially quit giving it him when you think I'm not looking.  I SEE you!  And I throw it away.
  3. Mind your own damn business.  If I want Koley to be a free-wheeling, loose talking, hippie with hair down to his ankles... I can raise him that way.  You get to keep your mouth shut from now on.  And it wouldn't hurt to keep the eye rolls and disapproving looks to yourself.
  4. I normally just imagine hitting the person I am talking to over the head with a hot cast iron frying pan. Boiiiiiiiing!  And they fall straight backwards.  Like a cartoon.
  5. Uh.  Yeah!  He's my kid.  I'm his mom.  We go together.  And every day I still manage to shower.  I read.  I catch up with my friends.  I maintain a household.  I do laundry and scrub bathrooms.  I take a walk.  I work part-time.  I function as a successful adult... and surprise (!) I can do it with an 18-month-old son.  I don't think that merits any applause. 
For an excellent (and hilarious) post, written by Ru, on women who complain about how hard it is to be a grown-up read HERE.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

And I Really Like That.

Ken's that Dad who is never ever mad.
Never mad at me.
Certainly never mad at Kole.

It is impressive.  He comes home and it's hard to tell who is more excited, Kole or Ken.  Ken throws his coat on the couch and runs for Koley- who runs in the opposite direction with his hands above his head screaming in delight. The chase each other around the island in the kitchen and end up in a wrestling fit on the living room floor.  Both giggling.  Both red in the face.

On nights when Kole maybe isn't in the wrestling mood... nights when there wasn't sufficient nappage durnig the day... nights when I can't wait for Ken to get home because I am having a hard time lookign at Kole without feeling frustrated...  Ken comes- and all is well.
He is soft with Kole.  Ken holds him and wraps him in a blanket in his arms.  He asks him how his day was and what Kole and Mom did today.  And I can see Kole relax... and "un-tense."

They are a perfect match for each other.
Koley wants to be like Ken so bad.
And I think Ken thinks that's pretty cool.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Truth Is...

The truth is...

I read all labels on all products in my entire house.  I care very very little about nutrition facts.  I think it's more of a boredom thing.  But, lately, I have noticed I read all kinds of labels and find myself playing "Ms. Quality Control" or a little game I have come to call "Really?  REALLY?!!"

Example 1
"Ms. Quality Control."

My tube of toothpaste.  I'm not a brand snob (but I do insist on buying a toothpaste with Whitening Power.)  A couple nights ago, I'm brushing my teeth and reading the label and there is a checklist on the back of my toothpaste tube.  A list of 7 results my toothpaste offers.  And not for the first time in my life- I went down the list and graded each advertised result.

  • Fights Cavities [F]  I can't prove this one... but I know I have 2 cavities right now.  And I don't feel a war waging in my mouth when I brush.  Sorry.
  • Contains dentist recommended ingredients.  [A]  The list of ingredients included all kinds of Sodiums and Fluorides and Ions that I couldn't pronounce.  Bravo Procter Gamble.
  • Helps the natural whiteness of your teeth come through.  [A+]  How much credit goes to the paste and how much goes to the Crest Whitening Strips is hard to say.  But my smile is dazzling. 
  • Provides effective tartar protection.  [I]  In case you've been out of high school for awhile.  "I" stands for incomplete.  Which is where my evidence is.  I don't have a tartar protection measuring kit.  And I'm pretty sure they don't sell them on Amazon.  But, I might have to patent that idea.  I'm sure more than just me is curious about the level of tartar protection they are receiving.  Right?
  • Is gentle on tooth enamel, leaves teeth clean and feeling smooth.  At this point I rubbed my tongue over my teeth and was quite literally stunned by how clean and, yes, smooth my teeth felt.  They should have put this right at the top of the list to really pull buyers in.  [A+++]
  • Leaves breath feeling refreshed. *Hard breath onto hand.*  Mmmmm!  [A-] [C] I had to switch it to a C.  Harsh?  Maybe.  But my breath only felt that refreshing for like 3 minutes.  I'd like a longer lasting refreshing feeling.
  • Tastes good without the salty aftertaste.  [B]  I think pizza tastes good.  Sushi tastes good.  Pad Thai tastes good.  When I think of things that taste good I never think of a big spoonful of toothpaste.  Come on.  They were pushing that one.  Maybe it could say "Taste good (as far as toothpastes go) without the salty aftertaste."  That would be a little more shot on.
Example 2
"Really?  REALLY?!!"

This one really has quite befuddled me.  Kole has been huge on raisins the last week of so.  He'd plop down with the box in front of the window and watch cars and eat raisins all day.  Knowing raisins are nature's candy I haven't been that worried about his consumption.  But, the label reading woman I am, I flipped the box over and read the ingredients. 
Know what it said?

Ingredients: RAISINS.

What?  I mean.  What?
Really?  REALLY?!!
Shouldn't it say Grapes?
That's like listing "Pudding" as the ingredient in pudding.  Or "Cookies" as the ingredient in cookies.  Or "Granola Bar" as the ingredient in granola bars. 
I mean - Come on!

Labels Outrage Me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Christmas Time Was Here

I'm still revelling in Christmas.  Well, going back and forth between revelling in all the goodiness and Christmas Cheer and being depressed that it's over.  For another whooooole year.  Sigh.  Sad.  So so sad.  I don't remember being as excited as I was for this Christmas since I was a kid.  I was excited for Kole to open presents.  I was excited to see all of my family.  I was excited to eat.  I'm always excited to eat- Christmas or not.  It was just a wonderful.  My in-laws scored me a Nikon COOLPIX.  It's required to capitalize that right?  I'm still working on taking a picture that is not blurry.  Which has always been my biggest flaw.  But I think the way I am feeling would best be described in a monologue inspired by the made for TV movie "A House Without a Christmas Tree."

(Tell me you are laughing.  Tell me you know where that is from.)

Some things to know about Bradley Family Christmases:
1.  Mom likes to feed us every two hours.  With a snack on the interval hour.
2.  There's 5 girls and lots of laughing.
3.  This year we made Gingerbread Houses.  Mom got them for each couple to make.  Ken opted to snooze by the fire with Koley do Andi and I built one together.  It won the gold medal.  That wasn't actually passed out.... but had it been... it would have gone to ours.  If not for the exquisite craftsmanship than certainly for the creative effort.  And time spent.  Everyone else whipped theirs out in like 45 minutes.  Me and Andi labored for nearly three hours.  On a deeeee-vine Gingerbread Hacienda.  Complete with an authentic pinata, Mexican flag, and burro out front.
4.  We're all so rosy-cheeked because Mom and Dad set the thermostat to like 85 degrees.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Patty's Pregnant

Due date is July 9th.
I'm opting for the almighty C-section.
Labor is for pansies.
I think it's a boy.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Because I'm Cool Now.

Ken got me an iPod Touch for Christmas.  Know what I got him?  A cookbook.
The shame.

I had an iPod Nano, that is purple, that I love, that I have filled and emptied and filled and emptied "x" amount of times.  Ken found a solution to my dilemma and got me a gift that I thought was far beyond my technical capabilities.  I mean... come on.  I'm young and all- but I'm not great at computers or cell phones or Pokemon.  I have got a good grip on my Kindle now.  Pleased to announce.
But this!  This little gadget is too fun not to try out and understand.  The first thing I did was I plug her in to the PC and filled her half full with songs I've been wanting to listen to for months.
You just touch it!  And it moves around! 
Did you know you could check your e-mail on these things?
It gives you up to date Stock information? (<-- not really that cool.)
You can read the newspaper on it?
It takes pictures and movies?
You can "message" on it!?  (<--- haven't done it... not sure how it works... too embarrassed to ask Ken.)
Ken registered everything and set up all the accounts and programmed the weather to show up every day on it.

I downloaded Angry Birds.
Now I get what the hype is all about.