Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Sickness Begets Sickness

Remember in August when I was freshly 30?  I felt magical and confident.  I was queen of the hill.  And the little town below the hill.  And the whole world obeyed my commands.  I was the most beautiful girl in the land.  I was.... so... young and healthy.

That was a dream.

A few days before my birthday, and throughout the month of August I got laryngitis.  Which at first I thought was super sexy.  I just love me a woman with a low raspy voice.  It was super hot.  Until all my friends had heard it.  And I couldn't talk at all.  And it lasted for 4 weeks.
When my voice came back I started getting sick about once a week with the old pukies.  Just randomly I'd be sick.  And since I'm not on the super health-nut side of the scale.... I figured my body just didn't agree with a Big Mac AAAAAAnnnnd the 20 piece nugget.  and a large Cokey.  Or the next time it happened I figured the habeneros were a step too far and maybe I shouldn't have added them to my wing sauce.  I mean, come on.  Bear with me.  We all make dietary mistakes.  Coke and Froot Loops for breakfast constantly sounded good to me!
I am who I am.
All this vomiting climaxed a fateful day in October and I ended up in the emergency room.  They did emergency surgery to take my gull bladder out.  Which was full of gull stones and had collapsed upon itself.  Now, note.... I love saying "emergency surgery" because it makes me feel prominent and important... and, yeah, a little rich.  But I'm not foolin' anyone.  They treated me just like the next person with a bum gull bladder.
When the thing came out I felt a lot better.  I swore of Coke.  Still haven't had any.  I've been clean for 27 days.  Miss it like hell.
My high-rise to health... which was more of a hunched over, timid scuffle... you know... the incisions and what not.  It was short lived.
On Halloween I went trick or treating with my kids and had dinner with my sister.
Saturday morning I was back in the emergency room.
I thought I was having a heart attack.
They ruled that out.  And took like 15 more test before givin' me any meds.
I was sent home around noon being told I had Pleurisy.
Pleurisy is when the pleura around your lungs becomes inflamed and makes it extremely difficult to breathe.
They said after one painful week I'd be back to normal.
I would have given a sigh of relief but I couldn't muster up enough air.
Sunday I went back to the ER.  (Filling up my punch card.  I hear after 10 visits in a month you get a 5% discount.)  I had been throwing up about every 15 minutes for like.... 9 friggin hours.
After hours and hours of tests the good doctors told me I didn't have pleurisy.
I had a gull stone still floating around from my surgery and it had blocked my liver.  And all the bile was building up in my blood.
I was so relieved they knew what was wrong.  FINALLY!
I just started begging, "Put me under.  Put me under.  Put me under."
They refused.  Arrogant medical community.
I ended up getting jaundiced and none of those good good hospital drugs would help with the pain or the vomiting.
It was a rough day and a half.
In the morning they went through my mouth to remove the blockage.
When I woke up I felt like a new person.  Not pukey.  Not yellow anymore.  Just normal Patty.
Well... normal for what I gander an 80 year old would feel like.
I'm up to taking about 50 paces before I'm winded.
And sadly all those wonderful hospital drugs have worn off.

And I have a stinking zit on the inside of my ear.
But I'm hell bent on surviving clear to my thirty-FIRST birthday!
So don't you worry about me!


Beth Willmore said...

Oh my gosh Patty I'm so sorry that you've had like the worst month in the whole entire universe!! (And all other universes combined!)

Surely you're done with ER visits for the rest of your life, like I think you only have a certain number once you're born, and I can say with confidence that you won't have anymore! (But legally you can't hold me to that you know...)

Last but not least, I feel like you must still be stoned from the surgeries to willingly not be drinking coke for 27 days! Is this a cry for help? Are you secretly being held against your will and that was your "code word" so we would know something wasn't right?

Ok if things are totally good, then just ignore that last paragraph...

You're great and I hope you feel a million times better now!

Meagan @ Meagan Tells All said...

hahaha those videos!!!!!! I am dying!

So glad you're feeling better! We facetimed with Julia and Chris the weekend you were in and out of the ER and they were super concerned and I've been wondering ever since how you were!

Poulsen Family said...

Today and yesterday I have been sick and been "woe is me" but after reading this I feel pretty sheepish. Man, you've had quite the ride the last few months!
If it makes you feel any better I've had gallbladder problems and have never drank coke so don't beat yourself up. Hope you are feeling better and back to blogging!

Juli G said...

Good LORD woman!!! It's like we're living the same life across the country and ten years apart.

Behold... how I spent MY 40th birthday in October....

For me, now, it's the pancreas. Darn thing just won't get back to normal size... much like my waistline. :)