Tête-à-Tête

I'm good at a lot of things.  Like a lot a lot.  Reading fast, making egg salad sandwiches, using my turn signals.  You know, I'm a grade "A" citizen.
With all my accomplishments stacking up there is an area of my life in which I am... lacking.

Conversation.
 I'm a pro at listening and encouraging (or criticizing others on a personal level OBVIOUSLY).  I'm funny.  I'm smart.  I'm educated.  I've traveled.  I read the news and I'm up to date on all my current events both locally and globally. I marinate for hours in celebrity gossip and pop culture.  I've been living with the weather since my earthly debut. I'm not a sport extremist but I can certainly hold my coffee.  I should be a specialist.  I should be able to write a how-to article.
My small talk is cheese cake.  Smooth and sweet (sometimes fruity) and goes down easy.  But after that...
I panic.
When the small talk takes that slippery slope into Talking Township it's all downhill.  (That's a bit redundant.)  I can't converse.  Discussion is simply not in my repertoire.
Let's take tonight.  I had a dinner party at my neighbor's house. I've lived here for 5 years.  I know these people.  I've seen them cut their grass, shovel their snow, go to and return from vacations, get the mail in their robes.  Can you see how connected I am with them?  We've partied before.  It was the same old deck of cards- same characters.  This should have been effortless.
But it wasn't.
I choked.
I was even set up for the perfect spike and ended up face down on the gym floor.
Someone might ask: "Does Kole sleep all night?"  Simple.  Easy.  Perfect segway for me to open up and go on and on and on.  What do I say?  "Yes."  Not even "Yes, he does."  I can't get out three words.  All I say is "yes."  I smile and then there is immeasurable silence.  I don't elaborate on his other habits, his age, my favorite things about him, things I have learned, questions about their children or lives.  Just yes. Then another set up "So, Patty, how is the house-selling coming?" And I say, "It's coming."  *crickets*  Hopeful smiling at me, they nod as they wait for more details and slowly the smiles begin the fade and the nods slow down and the person looks away wishing there will be someone there to save them.  I am the one who needs saving.  The person walks away. I'm not offended.  It's not the first time I've been shunned for my condition.  
I think of what I could have said.  "We've had some interest."  That's not bad. I'll say that.  It's a step up.  So, the next victim comes along/I approach someone else eager to try my line.  After we exchange hellos I knew it was coming.  I was all ready.  I was repeating the line over and over in my head.  My knees were clanking.  My smile was anxious. "So," they begin.  This is it.  This is it! "How's the house-selling going?"  And I said... nothing for about 5 seconds...I felt the heat in my cheeks.  What was I gonna say?What was I gonna say?  What was the question?  "Patty?"  "Oh, yeah, the house, is really nice and interesting."
I did not use my lame line.
I did not even answer the question.
This happens to me over and over.
I suffocate in social situations.
After the small talk- I should just go home.

Let It Go

I have an incredibly ambitious, honest, loving, husband who does things that drive me nutso.  I think we all have a man like this in our life.  Kenner is stupendous and can be stupendously OCD. 

SIDENOTE: Sometimes I think people use OCD as a code that really means obnoxious and annoying.  Like "I'm OCD about that."  No- you're just a pain in the arse about that. 

This weekend Kenny-Bear was loading the dishwasher (depositing into the emotional bank account.  Bravo, husband, bravo.)  When Ken loads the dishwasher he likes to examine what I already put in.  I had put in a plate that I made Tiffany Nachos on.  Did I rinse the plate?  No.  Do I ever rinse the plates?  No.  Ken put on his dad hat and tie and laid this little sermon on me.
"Honey.  You really have to rinse these dishes.  We don't want all that gunk clogging up the dishwasher, do we?  Come on.  I've told you about this over and over.  Just rinse them.  It's not hard and then I don't have to keep reminding you."

Um... yeah.  My skin was crawling.  My jaw clenched.  And in my head I yelled, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I waited like 30 seconds.  Cool off, Patty, cool off. Ken was just staring at me with his eyebrows up-you know, waiting for a response-  which makes me even more mad.  Then, I had an epiphany. 

"Let it Go."

So, I did. 
The fact is that we all live with people who do things that bother us.  I don't rinse the dishes.  And I walk through the house with my shoes on.  And I go to the bathroom twice before I go to bed.  Ken HATES these little quirks.
And he does things that drive me nuts.  He'll cook something in the microwave for like a minute 45.  Then when there's 12 seconds left he just opens the door and takes his food out.  He doesn't clear the 12 seconds off!  So, when I look at the microwave to see what time it is- I just see a blinking 12.  AAAAAA-nnoying. 
Yeah-talk about little things right?  Little itty bitty teeny weeny minuscule things that bugs the white right off my skin.
I didn't learn to rinse the dishes from my lecture... sorry Kenmo... you're going to have to give me another talking to.... I learned that:  The people we live with do things that bother us... whether it be

• not clearing the microwave
• not rinsing off dishes
• always getting the mail first
• keeping shoes on
• leaving clothes in the washer
• dumping their fur from their electric razor in the nice clean sink
• leaving hair clots in the tub drain
• tucking socks under the couch
• never replacing the toilet paper (leaving one stranded)

But every time these diminutive habits flare up just Let It Go.  It's not that hard to push "clear" on the microwave.  And the dishwasher will most likely wash that cheese off.  What's more important?  To let the person you share your life with know that they do things that makes your blood curdle OR to let them know that they are loved and irreplaceable and you think they are perfect just the way they are.  With or without that GD microwave blinking a 12.

My Tail Is Not Between My Legs

My newest favoritest blog is "And then she was blah blah blah." I was reading back through the archives and came across this post that says the thing I have been trying to come up with for a week.  So all credits and applause to Ru. I hope I'm not getting too stalker-ish. 

I hate:

1. The belief that because I tell the truth, I am necessarily admirable.

This is based on false logic.  The truth is good, as is the search for truth.  But your opinion is not the truth.

But I'm sharing my honest opinion!  you say.  I'm being real when most people are just being phoneys!

The fact that you are being genuine may be admirable.  But if you are a genuine ass, don't be surprised when people treat you as such.

2. The belief that because I shared my honest opinion, I cannot be criticized.

Look, you shared your opinion.  Now you have to be prepared to back it up.  The fact that I dislike or disagree with your opinion does not make me a bigot or infringe on your First Amendment rights.  (Because as much as I wish otherwise, I am not a government agent.  I digress.)

If you are going to enter the marketplace of ideas, you don't get run right back inside your fortress of solitude as soon as you've shouted your opinion in my face, without giving me time to respond.

3. The belief that all criticism is hateful.

Look.  I may have unnecessarily thick skin when it comes to this final issue.  I wrote for a certain unnamed college newspaper back in the day, and I remember every nasty thing anyone ever said about my writing/my opinion/me.  I was called stupid, bigoted, lame, hypocritical, prejudiced, biased, dishonest, and someone even implied I was into BDSM.  (Don't google that if you don't know what it means.)

Did it hurt my feelings?  Sometimes.  But it made me very aware of the line between criticizing a subject, and criticizing a person.

Calling my ideas stupid is not hateful.  Calling me stupid is.  Only if I actually am stupid will I fail to see the distinction here.

I don't even think I need to put a closer on here.

See you tomorrow folks.