Truth Is...

• I had no idea it was Thursday this morning.  I woke up, saw snow on the mountains, and thought CHRISTMAS IS HERE!!
• I plan on staying in my pajamas all day. 
• Koley and I are going to listen to Christmas music, bake cookies, sip hot chocolate, and watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  The claymation one.  Or maybe Elf with Will Ferrell.
• I really miss the Old Britney.  My sister, Andi, posted about Queen Brit on Facebook yesterday and I feel the same way.  Miss 'er.  And if I was just slightly more computer savvy I'd be able to put the video here... but instead....

• I wasn't embarrassed, ashamed, or looking for attention with last weeks "Truth Is."  Some of my comments really surprised me.  And apparently the post surprised some of you.
• I'm reading my last book that I got for Christmas last year.  I've noticed I am taking it really slow so I don't have a period with nothing to read.  Looks like it's time to check out the local library.
• I read 16 books so far this year.  For me... that's really good.
• People who think reading is super dorky or only for smart people watch too much TV.
• But I admit to being both dorky and smart. 
• I think Steve Jobs meant a lot to my generation.

At The End of the Why

Yesterday I saw a mother at the store with a little tiny pink pink wrinkly baby.  The baby only looked a few days old.  I smiled broadly at the mother and asked, "How old is she?"  "She's 6 days old."  I smiled on the outside and congratulated her but on the inside I was screaming,  "6 days old?!  How are you out in public?  How are you walking?!  6 days?  Why aren't you crying?  How did you manage to fix your hair?  6 DAYS?!! Is that makeup you are wearing?  How the "h" are you so put together?"  And then then inevitable:

"What was wrong with me?"

I've thought about this question countless times since I had Koley.  Anytime a friend (or a stranger) has a baby and they send pictures of them in the hospital all smiley and done up I think "Why wasn't I that way?"  Anytime I get a link to view the baby photo album.  You know... the cute expensive ones when the baby is a week old and naked and wearing a hat or a tutu.  I've never been able to wrap my head around the idea that a mom was able to function within a week of having a baby.  I was barely functional at a month.  Or I hear about parents of a newborn taking a trip.  To another state. I could have never.  I still panic about a 3 hour drive.  But I'm smart and capable and really confident.  Aren't I?

I just want to know why. 

Why was having a baby so hard for me?
Why was I in labor so long?
Why was getting my life running again the impossible task?
Why was I spinning out of control for months?
Why wasn't it all sparkles and puppy dogs and smiley faces?
Why?

Why do I still think about it?

Kole is strong, healthy, smart, and snugly.  I couldn't ask for anything else.  And I'm a knock 'em dead mom.  I shouldn't still be thinking about this.

But I do.  Every.  Day.

In one of my favorite movies, "A Room With A View,"  they say, "At the end of the everlasting why is a yes and a Yes and a YES!"

I guess I'm  moving towards my "yes."

Visit From Up North

We had a slow weekend.  It felt like Mulled Apple Cider.  Warm.  Cozy.  Sweet.
Ken's parents drove down from Idaho Falls and spent all their time with us.  Even when Kole was sleeping they stayed and visited with us. 
It was really special.
Special because as a parent, your kids get lots of attention.  Which is fantastic and as it should be.  But as a 27 year old... I still feel like a kid from time to time.  I liked some of that lime light being on me this weekend.  It was memorable.
We didn't go anywhere.  There was never something we had to do.  We talked.  Played Phase 10.  Watched Koley.  I made my special Fall Treat Mix.  (Candy Corn and Honey Roasted Peanuts.)
I'm still living easy off of it.

Kole loved seeing them again.  He was especially attached to Grandpa.  They read the Atlas.