Wednesday, October 5, 2011

At The End of the Why

Yesterday I saw a mother at the store with a little tiny pink pink wrinkly baby.  The baby only looked a few days old.  I smiled broadly at the mother and asked, "How old is she?"  "She's 6 days old."  I smiled on the outside and congratulated her but on the inside I was screaming,  "6 days old?!  How are you out in public?  How are you walking?!  6 days?  Why aren't you crying?  How did you manage to fix your hair?  6 DAYS?!! Is that makeup you are wearing?  How the "h" are you so put together?"  And then then inevitable:

"What was wrong with me?"

I've thought about this question countless times since I had Koley.  Anytime a friend (or a stranger) has a baby and they send pictures of them in the hospital all smiley and done up I think "Why wasn't I that way?"  Anytime I get a link to view the baby photo album.  You know... the cute expensive ones when the baby is a week old and naked and wearing a hat or a tutu.  I've never been able to wrap my head around the idea that a mom was able to function within a week of having a baby.  I was barely functional at a month.  Or I hear about parents of a newborn taking a trip.  To another state. I could have never.  I still panic about a 3 hour drive.  But I'm smart and capable and really confident.  Aren't I?

I just want to know why. 

Why was having a baby so hard for me?
Why was I in labor so long?
Why was getting my life running again the impossible task?
Why was I spinning out of control for months?
Why wasn't it all sparkles and puppy dogs and smiley faces?
Why?

Why do I still think about it?

Kole is strong, healthy, smart, and snugly.  I couldn't ask for anything else.  And I'm a knock 'em dead mom.  I shouldn't still be thinking about this.

But I do.  Every.  Day.





In one of my favorite movies, "A Room With A View,"  they say, "At the end of the everlasting why is a yes and a Yes and a YES!"

I guess I'm  moving towards my "yes."

5 comments:

SkippyMom said...

"Why do I still think about it?"

This is what I was thinking about while reading your post.

Maybe it is because you have one child - sometimes it is different when you have a second or a third.

I don't know. But it is nice to see you thank your stars that you have such a healthy baby. And even though your labor was so horrible - it brought him into the world whole and thriving. My friends always ask me "How bad is labor and delivery?" My pat answer is if every woman remembered or dwelled on it then we would be a world of one child families.

Sometimes you have to stop worrying about what others are doing and look at the blessings you have?

We are perfect Moms in our special ways. If you want something bad enough then you'll do it, but if it falls by the wayside [like tutu pictures] then it just means your priorities were well placed in other ways.

Give yourself a break. You have Kole. And he's pretty cool.

ritchiefam said...

I never bounced back quickly and I never understood what the big hurry was to go back to normal anyway. Enjoy the time off from the world and savor the time away from it all!! Does it ever really go back to normal once you become a parent anyway?

DoublClik said...

I'm with Skippy Mom! What she said about only having one child. Patty you are incredible, but Bradley genes means we can be a little hard on ourselves. At least I feel I'm that way! Kole is adorable and healthy and hilarious. I love that picture of us

Julianna said...

Well.

You look pretty awesome in that picture. :)

For all the others... there's photoshop.

Jeannie said...

It's different for everyone with every pregnancy. I had an easier time with twins than with my first single birth - they had a regular schedule where he was all over the place.

Hormone fluctuations probably have a lot to do with it too.

Don't sweat it. It isn't a contest. Some of those "perfect" Moms maybe have someone helping 24/7 at home - or are really basket cases that are able to fake sanity for short periods of time.