Looks

There's a lot of information about how to lose weight and eat right and get fit.  Professionals, psychologists, teachers, friends, normal people.  Everyone has a theory or a trick or something they're trying.
You know what there's not a lot of?
Information on how to gain weight.


I've got a few secrets to looking the way I do.

For breakfast I drink a Coke and have something sugary.  It could be a doughnut.  A PopTart.  A Little Debbie Snack Cake.  The trick is to make sure you've got a couple stockpiled just in case you're still hungry after the first one.
Your next step here is to invest in some loose waisted pants.  There's lots of fashionable options.  You don't have to buy the Walmart baggy sweats with the tapered ankles, but I do because they really keep the heat in.
For lunch hit up McDonald's.  The Dollar Menu really has I think like 25 options?  Yeah, pretty sure about 25 options.  I recommend the Hot n Spicy McChicken sandwich.  And order up a large coke with no ice.  It's only a dollar and if you don't get the ice there's more room for the Coke-y.
Have a sensible dinner.  To keep your body regular.  And to avoid stomach aches and lots of trips to the bathroom.... if ya know what I'm sayin'.  heh heh.  YOU know what I'm sayin.
After dinner don't be shy with the snick snackies.  Munch.  Snack.  Grab a few Doritos.  Eat a handful of cookies.  Pop some popcorn and put in a movie.  Eat the whole 2 hours.

Within a week or two you'll notice a difference.
The key here is knowing when to stop.

Hints You May Have Gone Too Far:


Your chub hangs over your jeggings... which have no actual waistband.

When you put your bra on- it digs into your back fat.  Is there a name for that?  Bra Bulge?

You're shaped more like a triangle than an hourglass, or pear, or cylinder.

Your arms are like gorilla arms.

Here's the real secret.
Listen close.  I'm gonna whisper it.
 
No matter what you look like- you're still the same person.

The same lovable person.
You're funny.
You're going out of your way to help people.
You take care of your family.
You're the same person no matter what you look like.
You're still you.
I'm still me.
This girl

is the same as this girl.

Who is the same as this girl.

It doesn't matter if I have gorilla arms, pudge, bra fat, and thighs as wide as a combine.
I'm still me.

And I'm not switching to Diet.

Mom Bomb Part 2

Before Joey was able to eat grown-up food, Kole wanted to eat just like me and Ken.  He sat calmly at the table, used his silverware, and politely asked for seconds.  It was just a few young adults having dinner at home discussing their days.
And then... Joey got into eating what we're eating.
And, bless Joey's heart for doing that because feeding a baby spoonful by spoonful takes so long.

With Joey now scooching his highchair up to the table and giving eating his best shot- Kole's eating efforts have doubled!
In the wrong direction.
Instead of wanting to show Joey a fine example of courteous and correct eating- they both act like heathen piggies.

When Joey throws his food on the floor because he's uncoordinated, Koley joins the throngs!  Laughing as he litters the floor with spaghetti noodles or rice or mashed potatoes.

If Joey, unknowingly, rubs his little noggin chuck full of marinara- Kole laughs and does the same.  "Look at me!," he chirps.

Hahahaha.

That'snotcute.

So, I've started putting forth an enormous effort to pull Koley back to propriety.  
We've been reading books on manners.
Acting British.  You know, they're prim and things 
Sometimes at lunch or dinner I tell Kole he can be the Mommy and he has to sit like Mommy and act like Mommy and talk like Mommy.
That one sometimes works... sometimes backfires... and I hear him say things like, "You absolutely can NOT do that right now" or "Are you kidding me?"  or "We need some moooooooore MUSIC!"

A couple nights ago we were having meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas, and brown gravy.  I love love love brown gravy.  I had gravy for dinner with the other stuff as sides.  Anyway- Kole was screwing off.  Not eating anything.  Being a goof. Mimicking Joey. 
And then, I had a brilliant idea.  Peas and mashed potatoes.  How could I have missed it?

Me:  Hey!  Koley!
Kole:  What.
Me:  Try your peas.
Kole:  No Jose. (smirking)
Me:  Try your mashed potatoes.
Kole:  No Jose!  (starting to giggle.  He so knows when he's being bad.)
Me:  I know a fun way to eat them that you'll reallllllllly  like.
Kole: What.
Me: I don't know.  It might be too fun for you.
Kole:  What?  What is it?
Me:  Are you sure you want to know?
Kole:  Yeah, Mom!  Yeah!
Me: Like this!  You get your fork (picking fork up and talking in really sugary syrupy voice) and you get a big old glob of mashed potatoes (scooping up tremendous forkful) and then you flip them up-slide-down and dunk 'em in your peas!  (flipped potatoes upside down into peas.)  And then see?  The peas!  Stick!  To the mashed potatoes! Isn't that crazy!  And so cool, huh?
Kole:  Just stares.  Says nothing.  No smile.  No happiness is his eyes.
Me:  See?  (talking through a mouthful of potatoes and peas)  It's so much fun!  You get some potatoes!  You get some peas. And just chomp 'em up. Cray Cray!
Kole: Still staring.  Now looking a little disgusted.
Ken:  You're bombing here, Mom.
Me:  I am not!  Kole you've got to try it.  It's so much fun and you get to eat!  I love it!

I was really going overboard with the deliciousness of this combination and the fun one could have making it.  Rubbing my belly, looking at the ceiling and saying some Mmm!  Mmmm!  MMMMMM!s  I think I did like 4 demonstrations.  All equally over the top.
Kole just sat.  Pan faced.  Until finally he let me off the hook and said:

That's a bad idea, Mom.  You shouldn't talk about it anymore.

PsszzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuBCHU!!!

^
That's the Mom Bomb going off.