Wednesday, October 2, 2013


There's a lot of information about how to lose weight and eat right and get fit.  Professionals, psychologists, teachers, friends, normal people.  Everyone has a theory or a trick or something they're trying.
You know what there's not a lot of?
Information on how to gain weight.

I've got a few secrets to looking the way I do.

For breakfast I drink a Coke and have something sugary.  It could be a doughnut.  A PopTart.  A Little Debbie Snack Cake.  The trick is to make sure you've got a couple stockpiled just in case you're still hungry after the first one.
Your next step here is to invest in some loose waisted pants.  There's lots of fashionable options.  You don't have to buy the Walmart baggy sweats with the tapered ankles, but I do because they really keep the heat in.
For lunch hit up McDonald's.  The Dollar Menu really has I think like 25 options?  Yeah, pretty sure about 25 options.  I recommend the Hot n Spicy McChicken sandwich.  And order up a large coke with no ice.  It's only a dollar and if you don't get the ice there's more room for the Coke-y.
Have a sensible dinner.  To keep your body regular.  And to avoid stomach aches and lots of trips to the bathroom.... if ya know what I'm sayin'.  heh heh.  YOU know what I'm sayin.
After dinner don't be shy with the snick snackies.  Munch.  Snack.  Grab a few Doritos.  Eat a handful of cookies.  Pop some popcorn and put in a movie.  Eat the whole 2 hours.

Within a week or two you'll notice a difference.
The key here is knowing when to stop.

Hints You May Have Gone Too Far:

Your chub hangs over your jeggings... which have no actual waistband.

When you put your bra on- it digs into your back fat.  Is there a name for that?  Bra Bulge?

You're shaped more like a triangle than an hourglass, or pear, or cylinder.
Your arms are like gorilla arms.

Here's the real secret.
Listen close.  I'm gonna whisper it.
No matter what you look like- you're still the same person.

The same lovable person.
You're funny.
You're going out of your way to help people.
You take care of your family.
You're the same person no matter what you look like.
You're still you.
I'm still me.
This girl

is the same as this girl.

Who is the same as this girl.

It doesn't matter if I have gorilla arms, pudge, bra fat, and thighs as wide as a combine.
I'm still me.

And I'm not switching to Diet.


Alesa Larsen said...

Love it! I love who you are I am glad you aren't switching to diet.

vicks27 said...

I love you, Pat. And you're completely beautiful. My favorite "diet" is mom's diet: whiten your teeth, get your nails done, buy a new bra, and go tanning. You feel like a million bucks!
Side note: Just lay off the artificial colors and sweeteners, okay? Definitely don't switch to Diet. That stuff'll kill ya!

E daines said...

Every girl should read this! And believe it...

4 Peanuts and a Cashew said...

I love that you radiate happiness from the inside out! I, too, have mastered the art of gaining weight. My personal favs are my rule that if the cookie isn't cooked, the dough has no caloric value, and if I fast for one meal it's a free for all the rest of the weekend because gosh darn it, I deserve it! ;)

Juli said...


I call mine "back boobs".

Maria said...

Best post I have read in a long time! Thanks!!

Brett and Tiffany said...

I love this post! Sometimes it is hard to love our "whole" selves! Believe me, I go through times where I think "why can't I just change that"! The older I get the harder it is to lose! Good reminder for me to love myself for who I am! THanks, Patty!

Kar said...

Bravo! This is basically my eating regimen. Haha! And I loved your little photoshop drawings. You're hilarious. But you're right; when I think of overweight people I know in my life, I don't think of them as "Overweight Sharon," or "Fat Amy." I think of them as "Sharon, who is hilarious." Or "Amy, who is the best listener I know." I loved how you said that you are the same person and showed three pictures of yourself. We have the same spirit that we've always had. And good for you for having two cokes a day. I suffer/enjoy the same addiction.

Ru said...


Joanne said...

LOVE this post! Very funny and I love the last few pictures!
I didn't know it but I have been on that same weight gain plan for a while now...'cept ...I went too far.
Blessings, Joanne