Happy Halloween

Our costumes were always home made.  Never store bought.  Never had a cool princess mask though there were years I wish I did.  We weren't allowed to dress up as anything scary.  (I plan on implementing this rule for my own children.)  And all 5 of us were normally dressed as the same thing.   My dad would always take us trick or treating.  My mom told us that it was rude to have a pillowcase at the door.  So we carried the little plastic pumpkins and would empty into a pillowcase dad held when our pumpkins got too full.  I think this worked to our advantage especially towards the end of the night.  People, not knowing we had just dumped, would feel bad we had empty pumpkins and really LOAD us up!  When we got home all the candy was piled on the dining room table and divided equally.  Dad would take a few samples here and there to make sure nothing was "poisoned."  I went trick or treating well in to my teen years.  I'm thinking 15 maybe 16.  And I still feel like as long as someone is dressed up.... and I mean really dressed up...  (No wearing your pajamas and saying you're a baby)... you can go trick or treating.  I'd give them candy.  heck yes.

And tonight, if you stop by, you'll be getting Kit Kats.  Ken's favorite.  I hope there's enough left for the kiddos.

Lookie what I got!

So, I have a new bestie. 

She's thin.  She's trendy. 
She has dead on recommendations for me.  It's always what I needed to hear.
She's likes to tag along wherever I go.  Which I LA-HOVE!
I'm always telling her how smooth she looks.  (I think that embarrasses her.)
We've been spending hours together.
I think Kenmo might be a little jealous.

What do you think?

Her given name was "Patricia's Kindle."  That may change in the coming days.
In the mean time if you have a "must-read" title.... send it our way... Patricia's Kindle and I are taking another weekend get away.
Yes.  Together, we do have it all. 

The Girl From Impanema

We were listening to Stan Getz's The Girl From Impanema.  It is one of my favorite songs. 
 "....Tall and tan and young and lovely...."
I said, "It sounds like they could be singing about me."
Ken said, "No it doesn't! Not at all!"

Ouch.

The car ride was a little awkward after that.
I still think it sounds like me though.  Hmph.

Truck Driver, Baby!

Look closely. 

You can hear that ol' diesel revvin' up!

How I Spent My Thursday.

Today I spent 3 hours and 18 minutes talking to insurance customer support.  (I am grateful I have it Skippy... can't I just hate it a little?)
Rather than spending that time on the phone I would have liked to carve a jack-o-lantern, or put together my spooky foam house my father-in-law sent me, or make sugar cookies.  Heck.  I would have rather scrubbed bunions off cows hooves.
Ultimately it was a huge waste of time.  No one could answer my question. And I got the distinct feeling (after the 9th person I was pawned off on) no one wanted to hear my question.
Tomorrow it will all be gone and forgotten.  It's actually already gone and forgotten.  Couple deep yoga breaths.  A few moments of mediation in the corner... and I'm all good.
Happy Patty.

I am taking a vacation this weekend.  I'm not telling you where.
Should be spectacular!

Have you done a truth is yet?  I don't think soooooo.

Trix for Treats

Hi Mom!  Look what I did!  I wanted some Trix and got them all by myself!
I'm a BIG boy!
Not to mention smart, crafty, and cunning.

Oh these are so good.  NomNomNomNom They are sweet nomnomnom and nomnom and round and nom Mom never gives me this many!

  

Can I get some milk up in 'ere?

TRIX FOR LIFE!



Aren't you proud of me?



Surfacing

Sometimes something happens in your life.  And your heart breaks.  You don't feel like a whole person.  Something, that you can't name, is missing.  You're lonely.  You're anxious.  You feel like you have lost everything.  It goes against all logic.  Your hope is gone.  Your happiness is gone.  Maybe even your faith.
Sometimes nothing goes right for a very long time.  Nothing will ever be the same.
And that is all you can think about.
Even when you are having dinner with your family.  Or opening Christmas presents.  Or riding a swing.  You're happy, but not really.
Your heart is hurting.
Sometimes you live life this way for so long that it feels like a real life.  It looks whole.  Nothing is really "wrong."  You're just... different.  People around you quit asking "what's the matter." 
"Nothing."
You're a shadow of who you were.
You're a ghost of a person who was dearly loved.

And then.
One day....
You look up.

And see things are just as they should be.
And you feel...
complete.
You feel like "you" again.

Today I looked up.

Pharmacy Woes

This is what I hate:

• Calling about medical insurance
• Getting dumb people who ask impertinent questions about my funk diseases
• Do you really need to know the side effects?  Trust me, you don't want to know.
• Do you really need to know how long I've been taking this medication? 
• Isn't that in your computer? 
• Come on.  Push a button.  See for yourself. 
• What does that have to do with the price of Coffee in Tajikistan?
• Do you want to know how long I've been married?
• My license plate number?
• The last movie I went to?
• I can read you my horoscope for today if you'd like?
• Not knowing if I take the "cycloset" or the "parlodel" version of the drug. 
• I'm not the doctor. 
• I'm not even A doctor!  Unless you count LOVE doctor! 
• I didn't write the script.
• I just pour the glass of water and swallow the pills.
• ... though parlodel sounds familiar....
• Having to go to pharmacies in person
• Being told by one pharmacy my prescription is $306.19
• At another pharmacy it's $267.18
• At a third pharmacy it's $262.51
• And the last time I bought it I paid $196.84

What the frickin' h?

All I want is some Bromocriptine.  I don't want to spell it anymore.  I don't want to give you my enrollee number or program number or RX Bin number. What's the difference between those anyway?  I don't want to tell you how often I take it or what it treats.  I just want the bottle filled.  Today.  60 little pills.  Two for every day.  Let me get out my 10-key here.  (clickclickclickclickclick)  Okay.  That's a one month supply.  I just want it for a reasonable price.  And it's your lucky today because I am feeling like anything under $200 would be pretty reasonable.  Although I'll have to sell the cow to pay even that.

Best Not to Say Anything

Tuesday I was babysitting one of my neighbor's kids.  It was just one little girl and I don't mind helping out where I can.  This little girl wanted her best best BEST friend in the whole world to come over and play.  (The schedule we made included baking cookies, drawing princesses, watching Strawberry Shortcake and the Glimmerberry Ball, makeovers, pedicures, playing kitties, and drawing hearts.)

 We went to ask the mom.

Patty:  (with Little Girl) Can your daughter come over and play?
Mom: Oh!  Well... she has been asking me all morning... but
Patty:  I really don't mind at all.
Mom:  Well... we are about to sit down to lunch. (nods and scrunches face up in that "you understand" look.... only I didn't understand.  At all.)
Patty:  Oh!  After lunch!  She is welcome to just stroll right over.  We'll be together until about 3 or 3:30.
Mom: Well.... aren't you babysitting? (puts hand on the door to close it)
Patty:  Yeah.  But sometimes it's even easier when they have a friend.  We were going to make cookies and draw princesses. Huh? (looking down at little girl I'm watching)   It's going to be so FUN!
Mom: Well... like I said we are about to eat lunch. (nodding and half way closing the door)
Patty:  Yeah?  Well, Nooooo problem you can bring her over later. (smiling widely)
Mom:  Well.... I think we're going to the store. (door is three quarters of the way closed)

It is not until THIS point that I realize the mom is trying to tell me "no" and HAS been trying to tell me "no" as politely as she can.  If I count them up... she told me "no" 4 times and I was just as persistent as can be.

I was fully embarrassed.  I felt my cheeks getting hot.  I grabbed my little tendees hand, and dashed back to my apartment.  Waving over my shoulder something about how we better get our lunch going too.

Ugh.  Awkward.  Humiliating.  Sad.  Fill in the blanks with any kind of those words you can think of.

I've been too nervous to take the trash out just knowing I'll run into the mom and I'll have to talk to her again with my absolute lack of social radar.

I Can Cook, See?

I've always had a chip on my shoulder about the pioneers.  Especially in the part of the country I live in...Utah.... there's a lot of people with pioneer ancestry and they are very proud of it.  Which is great.  Go genealogy.  But I've got roots too.  And they have nothing to do with a handcart company.  (They may or may not have something to do with the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.... just saying.) Ken and I were walking the Koley the other night.  We passed a house that had a plaque.  It showed a silhouette of pioneers pulling a handcart with the caption "Remember."  Maybe that stirred some one's heart but my reaction was, "Give me a chance to forget for crying out loud!  Geez!"  Ken told me I had a bad attitude towards pioneers.  Yeah, no duh.
But this morning I put my prejudices aside and put my metaphorical pioneer bonnet on.  I made applesauce from scratch.  I'm not one to can or bake pies or churn butter or take the horse to town. (Though I admire the women who do.) I'd rather buy a jar of applesauce.  To me, that's one of the greatest benefits of my generation... grocery stores.  They have food.  For you.  On a shelf.  You don't have to hunt and gather.  But, my dear sweetie brought home a big old box of apples and after I searched for the perfect cobbler recipe online (I figured I could probably make 6 or 7 with the amount of apples we have) Ken suggested I make something healthy, that didn't include sugar so Kole could eat it. 

In unison now: "Boooooring."

We compromised.  Half the apples are boring old healthy apples.  And half the apples are super fun, ultra sweet, covered in brown sugar, cinnamon, and tasty crumbles apples.  I'm looking forward to the latter.
Now let me show you my ignorance here.  Do you know how easy it is to make applesauce?
This is all you do.
1.  Boil the apples.
2.  Mush the apples.
Voila!  Applesauce.
Pioneer hardships.  Please. 
Maybe if they didn't have any cinnamon to sprinkle on top.  That would be difficult.

Down Four.

Well I started P90X.  I shouldn't really say started because I've done it three days.  I missed yesterday and I haven't hit today yet.  So that's not looking too good.  I am in no way giving up.  After all, I just got the name down.  I used to always call it PX90.  I don't know why.  I'm still pumped up for it.
Because, according to my scale (that I don't really trust), I have lost 4 pounds.
I don't believe you can lose 4 pounds in one week doing what I did.
As mentioned, I did P90X three times.  I took walks every day.  But that wasn't anything out the normal and I ate what I wanted.  Does not sound like a recipe for weight loss.
Let's break it down.

• P90X.  Hard.  But really entertaining for me.  That Tony Horton just cracks me up.  He says funny things without meaning to be funny.  "Are you just kicking like this?  *minikick*  Is that all your doing? Huh?  That's not working out.  That's not melting goo.  That's keeping you fat!"  I laugh right out loud.  Apparently I'm the only one who thinks he is funny.  Ken sure doesn't.  He always teases me and says I hope I got a workout in with all that laughing going on. Ken normally is upstairs. I don't like him in the room while I am attempting karate kicks that come about 8 inches off the floor.  So far the one that is most funny to me has been Cardio X.  5 stars right there!  Give it a whirl.  You'll sweat harder than you thought humans could but what a laugh you'll have!

Okay- so doesn't sound like I could have lost 4 pounds laughing at my television set.

• Maybe walking?  I put Koley in the stroller, grab Ken, and we walk in the evenings.  We don't walk super fast or super far.  It's just walking.  I've always counted it as a way to make Koley-o tired.  Cold fresh air just wears a baby out. 

I've taken Kolester on walks pretty much every non-snowy day since he was born.  There is no reason why my body would all the sudden click and say "Oh yeah!  She's walking!  We better drop some weight!"  First, because bodies don't talk and even if they did... mine wouldn't sound like that.  Mine would be all gangsta gangsta in yer face. Up in 'ere.  And second, like just isn't that easy.

• Finally, I ate what I wanted.  No surprise there.  I have been using MyFitnessPal.  Who I think I need to name since it seems to be a perhaps hidden and secret weapon.  I've stayed in my zone for calories... but I've eaten Oreos and egg salad sandwiches (all time fave) and corn dogs.  I mean I don't feel like I'm cutting back here.

So, what the h, right?
4 pounds in one week?
4 pounds in one week.
I know.  But I don't know.

2 Faults

There are two things I am really really bad at.  (Make that 3 if you want to add "ending sentences with a preposition.") 

1.  Talking on the phone.
I talk over people.  I pause too long.  I can never say just one good bye. Good byes are generally awful if you call me.  I'm like a love sick junior high girl.  My sense of humor comes off wrong.  I repeat myself.  I know I sound like I am not interested in the conversation because I am constantly saying "Oh?" and "Great."  and "That's interesting."  I really am trying to interject at the right places and I inflect my voice... but it never comes off right.  Then, I know who is calling (doesn't everyone who owns a cell phone) but I act all surprised:
(phone rings.  I look down.  Hermione Calling.)

Patty: Helloo?
Hermione:  Hey, Patty.
Patty: Hi....
Hermione: It's Hermione.
Patty:  Oh, hiii Hermione!  How are you?!

I don't know why I do that.  I love it when I call someone and they go "Hey Patty!"  as soon as they pick up.  My sister, Julie, is excellent at this.  Often using nicknames.  I get too nervous.  And then treat my nearest and dearest like strangers.  Oi. 

2.  Making small talk.
I just fall on my face.  Every time.  And having just moved to a new place I give props to the people who keep trying with me.  I go to play groups (once you're a mom play groups are the place to mingle) and I try putting myself out there.  It just doesn't work for me.  I don't know why.  I pride myself on being genuine, funny, and semi-witty.  I should be the party-MAKER not the party breaker.  I think once the ice is broken through (with a steel pick) I can be that person.  But for the years it may take to crack the ice... it's pretty unbearable.

Example #1
Neighbor:  So, Patty.  How are you liking it here?
Me:  I like it.
Neighbor:  Are you all settled in?
Me:  Yes.
Neighbor:  (stares at me)  Does your son seem to like it?
Me:  Yeah.
(long pause)
Neighbor:  What's his name again?
Me:  Kole.
Neighbor:  That's a nice name.
Me:  I know.

Or sometimes I try putting myself out there and I instigate the conversation.  I just can't finish it.

Example #2
Me:  Hi, Celeste!  (I wave as she unloads her car)
Celeste:  Hey, Patty!
Me:  How's it going?
Celeste:  It's going good.
Me:  Are you liking your new job?  Are the kids adjusting okay?  Do you need anything?  Am I still babysitting on Tuesday?
Celeste: (giggles) Everything is going great.  I'm really liking the time out of the house.  And the money helps.  I'd still like your help Tuesday if you are available?  So, yeah all in all I'm great.  What about you?
Patty:  Um... I have to go get the mail.

I mean come ON!  Later when I am sitting alone and wondering about why I don't have any friends here I replay these conversations and it all becomes crystal clear.

Up and At 'Em!

My sister talked me into trying MyFitnessPal.com.  I'm not into all that weight loss hullabalooski.  I could stand to lose 15 pounds... sure!  But am I going to go out of my way to do it?  Never have- never will.  Maybe that's why before I only had 5 pounds to drop... then it crept up to 10... and now I stand at a firm 15.  I'm in no way over weight.  Sure, I got a little bounce to my booty but I've always said I was "curvy."  It's hot. 
...or not.

Anyway, Vicksmatoria has been raving about myfitnesspal.  An app.  Now, I'm not cool so I don't have a smart phone but you can use it online.  She kept telling me it's like a game and you don't have to eat differently and it just flows into your life.  And you lose weight.

Sure.  And then pigs sprout wings and we all skip around on rainbows eating chocolate covered cherries and singing songs from The King and I.
But, when Vic lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks I threw my hands up, went online, and signed up.
Let me tell you, wow.  Is it fun.  You just go on and type in anything you ate.  Like yesterday for breakfast I had a Kashi bar.  (Ken bought those for me.  I would have totally bought the Rice Krispies Squares covered in butterscotch.  But with this blood sugar thing.... he got the Kashi.)  So I typed in Kashi Bar and *BAM* it pops up all the Kashi bars ever so I can pick the exact one I ate.  I picked it and it logged how many calories, carbs, and all that other health stuff that was in there.  And then told me what I had allotted left for the day.  Like 1500 more calories.  That sounded like a lot.  So I went down and ate some candy corn.
After lunch I was punching in my PB and J when I saw a line for snacks.  What?  I have to track those?  Do I have to count the candy corns?  I typed in candy corn. Sure enough it showed up.  Rats.  It asked how many I ate.   ...  Not a fair question.... I didn't even know I was supposed to be counting those.... Like a handful?  .....  A small handful?  ..... Let's call it 7.
I put in 7. 
*Zing*
48 calories. 
I'm not much of a calorie counter.  Obviously... but I felt totally ripped off.  I had "seven" measly pieces of candy corn.  And got whammed.  Gosh!  It's Halloween!  Give me a break.
Luckily we had taco salad for dinner which is healthy.  (Well healthy according to me.  Healthier than a Double Double from In N Out which was what I wanted for dinner.)  And I still had 170 calories left to inhale at the end of my day according to my counter. 
So I had 3 Oreos.
If you don't use it you lose it.
You can't carry over calories you know.
And I am not one to waste!

So today I am supposed to get my exercising in.
Ken's been doing P90X.
It sounds really hard.... and he is dripping in sweat when he finishes.

Might as well try it.
It'll be something to blog about if nothing else.
And I think my fitness pal will be really proud of me.
So watch out Jillian.  There's a new super buff workout guru in town. 

Or at least there will be in 6 weeks.

Truth Is...

• I had no idea it was Thursday this morning.  I woke up, saw snow on the mountains, and thought CHRISTMAS IS HERE!!
• I plan on staying in my pajamas all day. 
• Koley and I are going to listen to Christmas music, bake cookies, sip hot chocolate, and watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  The claymation one.  Or maybe Elf with Will Ferrell.
• I really miss the Old Britney.  My sister, Andi, posted about Queen Brit on Facebook yesterday and I feel the same way.  Miss 'er.  And if I was just slightly more computer savvy I'd be able to put the video here... but instead....

• I wasn't embarrassed, ashamed, or looking for attention with last weeks "Truth Is."  Some of my comments really surprised me.  And apparently the post surprised some of you.
• I'm reading my last book that I got for Christmas last year.  I've noticed I am taking it really slow so I don't have a period with nothing to read.  Looks like it's time to check out the local library.
• I read 16 books so far this year.  For me... that's really good.
• People who think reading is super dorky or only for smart people watch too much TV.
• But I admit to being both dorky and smart. 
• I think Steve Jobs meant a lot to my generation.

At The End of the Why

Yesterday I saw a mother at the store with a little tiny pink pink wrinkly baby.  The baby only looked a few days old.  I smiled broadly at the mother and asked, "How old is she?"  "She's 6 days old."  I smiled on the outside and congratulated her but on the inside I was screaming,  "6 days old?!  How are you out in public?  How are you walking?!  6 days?  Why aren't you crying?  How did you manage to fix your hair?  6 DAYS?!! Is that makeup you are wearing?  How the "h" are you so put together?"  And then then inevitable:

"What was wrong with me?"

I've thought about this question countless times since I had Koley.  Anytime a friend (or a stranger) has a baby and they send pictures of them in the hospital all smiley and done up I think "Why wasn't I that way?"  Anytime I get a link to view the baby photo album.  You know... the cute expensive ones when the baby is a week old and naked and wearing a hat or a tutu.  I've never been able to wrap my head around the idea that a mom was able to function within a week of having a baby.  I was barely functional at a month.  Or I hear about parents of a newborn taking a trip.  To another state. I could have never.  I still panic about a 3 hour drive.  But I'm smart and capable and really confident.  Aren't I?

I just want to know why. 

Why was having a baby so hard for me?
Why was I in labor so long?
Why was getting my life running again the impossible task?
Why was I spinning out of control for months?
Why wasn't it all sparkles and puppy dogs and smiley faces?
Why?

Why do I still think about it?

Kole is strong, healthy, smart, and snugly.  I couldn't ask for anything else.  And I'm a knock 'em dead mom.  I shouldn't still be thinking about this.

But I do.  Every.  Day.

In one of my favorite movies, "A Room With A View,"  they say, "At the end of the everlasting why is a yes and a Yes and a YES!"

I guess I'm  moving towards my "yes."

Visit From Up North

We had a slow weekend.  It felt like Mulled Apple Cider.  Warm.  Cozy.  Sweet.
Ken's parents drove down from Idaho Falls and spent all their time with us.  Even when Kole was sleeping they stayed and visited with us. 
It was really special.
Special because as a parent, your kids get lots of attention.  Which is fantastic and as it should be.  But as a 27 year old... I still feel like a kid from time to time.  I liked some of that lime light being on me this weekend.  It was memorable.
We didn't go anywhere.  There was never something we had to do.  We talked.  Played Phase 10.  Watched Koley.  I made my special Fall Treat Mix.  (Candy Corn and Honey Roasted Peanuts.)
I'm still living easy off of it.

Kole loved seeing them again.  He was especially attached to Grandpa.  They read the Atlas.