Being Maternal

Life is remarkable.  Yes?  Yes.

Last year on Mother’s Day I was gestating a miracle baby.

I always feel funny when people call Kole a miracle baby.  Sure he came against all medical odds after we were told to try not to think about it.  Or dwell on it.

Or hope for it. 

But even in my saddest hours- I was happy with Ken as my family. 

Then our family grew.

Well I grew first- by about 70 pounds.  I knew that it had never happened before and my doctor assured me it wouldn’t….but I was certain I would be the first pregnant woman to explode. 

My skin hurt from being so tight.  And was it ever shiny!  And itchy.

Kole came one day late.

Like his Grandpa Poulsen.  (as we tease.)

Delivering a baby earned me my Stripes.

After that-  I was lost.

Confused.

Afraid.

I felt empty.

Besieged.

Out of it.

Wasn’t this supposed to come more naturally?  I am a woman.  A strong, capable, nurturing woman.  Why can’t I do this?  I needed to call my mom.

She came.

And rescued.

And saved the message I left on her machine crying.

She came every day at 11 o’clock for 2 weeks.

I watched my mom (when I was awake).

Studied her to pick up tips.

That’s how you hold him.

This will make him burp.

Support him.

Just hold him.

It’s okay- he can’t smile yet.

You’ve got it.

Then she turned him over to me.

I didn’t feel that “overwhelming love” every mother in the world told me about.

As soon as you hold your baby you will feel an overwhelming love.

Wasn’t there for me.

Every time I held my baby I cried.

I cried when I changed his diaper.

I cried when I got peed on.

I cried when I bathed him.

I cried when I nursed him.

I cried when I read to him.

I cried when I cuddled him.

I cried.

I felt like he didn’t want me for his mother.

I wasn’t a mother anyway.

My mom was a mother.

Not me.

I couldn’t do anything right.

He wouldn’t even look at me.

Weeks passed- I learned.

Learned to turn down the hot water on his bath.

Learned to cover that pee pee before it would shoot me.

Learned crying is okay.... for both of us.

Learned to say no.

Learned to stand up for myself and my babying techniques.

(even though I wasn’t sure about them myself)

Learned to love my family as the three of us…. Not the two of us.

I promised myself that the day I felt like a mom- I would write it down.

Journal what happened.

Record the remarkable change or epiphany or transformation.

I have no recollection of the day.

But it happened.

Koley is mine all mine.

He’s the happiest boy on Planet Earth.

He is tender hearted and a goof ball.

We love and understand one another.

There is a mutual respect between me and my cub.

I think we speak through telepathy.

I feel whole.

Satisfied.

Accomplished.

Strong.

Full of love.

I feel like a mom.

I am one.

Let The Walls Fall Down

Kole became really mobile this week.  (Please continue to emphasize the "i" in mobile... I like the long "i" sound.)  Personally, I think it was spending a weekend with his cousins of all sizes.  He got the hint that he could move on his own if he wanted.  It was a long time coming but the change came over night.  I had heard moms say that and always figured it was an exaggeration.  Nope!  Since the baby came I have thought our house was pretty baby proof.  I had to throw those socket protectors in and install a baby gate- but I felt like my bases were covered.  But this week has proved me absolutely wrong and led me to the conclusion that:  Yes, I am a bad mother.  Or, as my friend Karlenn has said of herself, "Bad mom move #768."  The woman has four kids. I've only got one and my Bad Mom Move count is nearing the 10,000 mark.  So kudos to Karros.
With Kole moving.... it's like a tornado has gone through.  He doesn't even move that fast!  He's not making a mess either really.  How to put this.  Maybe a list.

THINGS THAT HAVE FALLEN ON KOLEY-OLEY

1. The floor lamp.  It's about 6 feet high.  Rod iron. Apparently, really unstable.
2. A flower vase.  Not a mini one. But not from high up either.  It's on of those big, girth-y floor vases that have sticks in them.  Yeah- it weighs like 20 pounds but he tipped it over... onto himself.
3. The vacuum.  Kole has had a long running, hot and cold relationship with the vacuum.  He loves it he hates it.  All pretty junior high if you ask me.  They are on a love peak right now.  Well, with showing the house I do a lot of cleaning and I had the vacuum out.  Kole was exploring.  Stroking the vacuum, admiring the vacuum, reciting sonnets to the vacuum.  Then, he hit the level that releases the handle.  And he was trapped by the vacuum.  Screaming and kicking and so sure he would never escape.  I'm sure this will have an effect on their relationship.
4. There's been all the normal little things too.  Books.  The kid ones- not any encyclopedias.  Sippy cups.  Those plastic containers wipes come in.  The mail.  How is this child still moving  Why isn't he limping or dragging a little leg behind him when he crawls?  How is he not completely bruised?

What baffles me is I am there all the time.  Watching him.  Like a golden eagle.  And then I bend to tie my shoe or look out the window to see if it's still raining and ka-frickin-boom.  Kole is pinned.  I think hope it's getting better.  So far today his only injury is a paper cut on that space between your lips and nose.  It's gotta be painful.  And I didn't give it to him.  He likes putting everything in his mouth.  Such are the hazards of his occupation. 

As hard as I am on myself for my guardianship over him (or lack thereof) he's been sweeter and more snugly lately.  I know, who thought that was even possible, right? He's started to rest his head on my shoulder and just hold me there.  When I think I've hit rock bottom and they should take away my mom badge- he reassures me that I'm doing all right.

Girl of the Hour

The Bradley girls were here for a total of 2 weeks.  Slowly they trickled back to their homes.  Andi stayed the longest.  She left yesterday. It's so sad to me when everyone goes home.  It's lonely.  I feel like I'll just sit in my boring house all boring day and think boring thoughts and look out the boring window and eat sweets.  The eating isn't boring- but it is bad for me.  I eat to fill my heart.  That doesn't work.  Habits are hard to break though, aren't they?  Especially when they taste so good.
Andi did a beautiful tribute to her trip on her blog.  It's worth looking at.  She's practically a celebrity you know.  Remember when I talked about her winning the lottery in every aspect of her life?  You don't?  Shame.  Shame.  Shame.  Read up kiddos.  She WON!  She won the Mormon Message contest!  "Stand Tall" took 1st place in the amateur US/Canada/Mexico division.  I am so proud of her.  She scored 500 big ones and kicked her shopping spree into over-drive.  Me and my mom joked about whether or not they would just send her $450... you know... that would take care of her tithing.  Or maybe they would just credit the whole thing to her tithing and she could have a couple Sundays off.   Is that wrong?  Nah!  It's funny!
She also taught a class at BYU-I while she was here (gathering more followers on her blog) and did a wedding shoot and slept over here one night with me and the Kolester.  I am just pleased as punch to see my littlest sister catching her dream and being so happy.  You can check out her "whole life story" in LDS Living the second weekend in May.  She was contacted for an interview and claimed she held nothing back during the nearly two hour conversation.  I expect to see her next on the cover of Vogue or Bazaar.

Love you, An.
Miss you.

I miss the rest of you sisters too.  Don't go getting all jealous.