Time

Does being a mom go in cycles?
Pregnancy was Spring.  I was vibrant and fresh and glowing and warm.  My confidence grew with my waistline.

When the baby came I was spinning in circles so fast.  Who am I?  Who is he?  What am I supposed to do?  What just happened?  How do I answer that question?  I don't like that idea.  I don't want to hurt any one's feelings.  Does Ken still love me?  Do I still love him?  Does the baby know who I am?  Will he ever?  Why won't he smile?  Why won't he look at me?  He looks at everyone else.  Am I scary?  Am I hurting him?  He doesn't look anything like me.  He doesn't feel like my baby.  It was a rainy season.

Then summer.  Koley smiled.  He giggled.  He nuzzled into my shoulder.  He'd reach for me.  He splashed in his tub.  His tub got promoted to the kitchen sink.  He'd sleep all night.  He'd sleep all day if I let him.  He babbled.  He held his head up.  He would roll from one side to the other.  He smiled.  He ate Baby Mum Mums.  His life was warm and so was mine.  Every day was new and vivid.

  Last night I decided to nurse The Kolebear to sleep.  I haven't done that since the first weeks of his life.  I just needed to feel close to him.  I needed him.  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Shouldn't he need me?  He can do so much on his own.  Get his own toys.  Pull down his own books.  Turn the pages.  Crawl.  Climb.  Stand.  Make himself laugh.  Say a few words.  Ken has missed things.  I have missed Ken.  I've heard people say that I'm a single mom.  I've never felt that way.  Kole is becoming so independent.

...Autumn.

12 Year Old Patty

My mom always encouraged us to write in our journals as often as we could but especially on Sundays.
I was going through old journals this weekend and cer-acking up.

November 4, 96  (I was 12.  I'm typing it as it was written.)
Happy Holidays!  Yes, the holiday season has begun.  No real snow yet but I can tells it's on the way.  Me and Mark are still together. Although two boys at school like me and want to ask me out I will just have to say
1.  I am taken
2.  I'm not allowed
3.  Only Mormons
I have a lot of people to get Christmas stuff for I have to start saving money!  I will get back to Christmas in one minute but first VOTEING DAY is tommorrow. And if Bill Clinton wins I will surely commit suicide.  1st- He might have murdered someone.  TWO-  He has had MANY affairs.  Is tha the kind of guy we want running our country?  I THINK NOT!  Bob Dole rocks the world.  VOTE DOLE!  Now back to Christmas.  I would like to list everyone I would want to get Christmas things for and write what it is I would like to purchase and an average of what to spend on he or she.  This may take a few days.  First NICOLE my best friend.  I want to get her a card and I don't know but an average of like $5-10.00.  MISSY card and a necklace. (5.00) AMBER card and earrings.  That's all for today.  Love, PATTY


Okay- some things I thought were funny:
1.  I'm "still together" with Mark (which meant we saw each other at church and maybe sat next to each other) but couldn't be with either of the two boys who liked me at school.  Who are un-named making me think.... they didn't exist.
2.  I used "Only Mormons" as an excuse.  Had the blinders on there.  One of my favorite boyfriends was non-LDS.  And German.
3.  I spelled voting and tomorrow wrong. And I was TWELVE! Shame on you 12-year-old Patty.  Shame on you.  
4.  According to me, Bill Clinton murdered someone. 
5.  I was suicidal.  (No I wasn't.  Not even close.)  I think we could replace suicidal with dramatic.
6.  I was 6 years away from being able to vote but campaigning (to my journal) to vote for Bob Dole.
7.  I gave up on that Christmas list thing pretty quickly.  It was getting a bit repetitive I guess.

That's me.  In the middle.  Circa 12 years old.

Face on a Milk Carton

I've worn glasses since third grade.  I got this really old-lady trendy pair.  They were big and round and plastic.  They had a light blue and lavender water-colory mosaic thing going on.  Really brought out.... the fact that I had bad eyes.  Me and my dad went to LensCrafters and they gave me my eye exam and I was so excited to see!  So in the exam room the doctor gave me a pair not for looks just to make sure it was the right prescription.  Then I went to pick out my frames.  I kept trying them on and thought something was wrong. I kept asking for them to bring me different glasses.  More and more and more. We were there for a long time and dad finally asked what was wrong with all these glasses.  "I can't see out of any of them!"  I had NO idea that the frames were just frames with fake glass.  Yeah.  Then I felt sheepish and maybe that's why I picked the granny frames I picked.  I also was really excited to wear them to school and show my teacher Ms. Sable.  And you know what?  She wasn't there that day!  A substitute was there.  I was completely deflated.  And when Ms.  Sable did finally get back to school she didn't even notice the first day. I was so upset.  I wrote in my journal about it.  I should try to find that.
Man, it would be hard to teach elementary.  When your student depend on you so much for validation.  Whoa. 
ANYWAY-Some time in the last 20 years glasses became really cool.  People who don't even need glasses wear them as an accessory.  I'm happy about this because the optical industry finally caught on that there are people under the age of 75 who need glasses and who don't want the same set as their grandma.
Last spring I got new glasses. (Not the first time since third grade by the way.) They were called "Red Coin."  I loved that name.  They were square and small and red with a silver stripe on the sides.  Not punk red.  Not too attention grabbing but very mature metallic red. (Normally I don't think mature and metallic can go in the same sentence... but here it works.) They were up-town. Like those stilettos that are black with a red sole you can only see when she is walking.  Yeah.  Like that.  You think she's business- but...wait... yeah, she's hot.  They were dignified with a little danger.  You know I was trying to send the statement that I quietly live on the edge. 
To the story.
I forgot my glasses in Salt Lake.  I guess I was so busy pretending to be a world traveler I forgot to give the hotel room the once over.  I left my whole makeup bag.  It had my glasses, contact case, and all my makeup and my Extra Strength Excedrin.  I love that Excedrin.  It's not an addiction- it's the only thing that can stave off the Koley pains I get.  That's replaceable.  Makeup is replaceable too- but it's gonna cost like $50.   I have enough practice with makeup that I can wear it without looking like I am wearing it.  But- I still NEED to wear it or I think I look like a troll.  If it was mid summer and I was all tanned up.  This would be no big deal.  You don't need makeup when you are sun kissed.  I look so... tired.  And pale.  And like I should put some makeup on!  I called the hotel.  And asked if a "cosmetic bag" was left in room 518.  (Slipped right back into mysterious traveler mode there.)  They were going to check and call me back.
Ken goes down every week so in my head I was thinking- I'll have everything back on Tuesday.  I can get through this weekend.  But, um, no.  If they DO have my bag- Ken will pick it up on Tuesday.  I will get it on Friday. 
And I really hope they have it because I don't think I'll be able to convince Ken to buy me another pair of designer glasses that our insurance doesn't cover.  I played the tumor card once- I don't think it will work again.
I'll have to introduce myself to the $20 and Under Glasses wall at Walmart.