Time

Does being a mom go in cycles?
Pregnancy was Spring.  I was vibrant and fresh and glowing and warm.  My confidence grew with my waistline.

When the baby came I was spinning in circles so fast.  Who am I?  Who is he?  What am I supposed to do?  What just happened?  How do I answer that question?  I don't like that idea.  I don't want to hurt any one's feelings.  Does Ken still love me?  Do I still love him?  Does the baby know who I am?  Will he ever?  Why won't he smile?  Why won't he look at me?  He looks at everyone else.  Am I scary?  Am I hurting him?  He doesn't look anything like me.  He doesn't feel like my baby.  It was a rainy season.

Then summer.  Koley smiled.  He giggled.  He nuzzled into my shoulder.  He'd reach for me.  He splashed in his tub.  His tub got promoted to the kitchen sink.  He'd sleep all night.  He'd sleep all day if I let him.  He babbled.  He held his head up.  He would roll from one side to the other.  He smiled.  He ate Baby Mum Mums.  His life was warm and so was mine.  Every day was new and vivid.

  Last night I decided to nurse The Kolebear to sleep.  I haven't done that since the first weeks of his life.  I just needed to feel close to him.  I needed him.  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Shouldn't he need me?  He can do so much on his own.  Get his own toys.  Pull down his own books.  Turn the pages.  Crawl.  Climb.  Stand.  Make himself laugh.  Say a few words.  Ken has missed things.  I have missed Ken.  I've heard people say that I'm a single mom.  I've never felt that way.  Kole is becoming so independent.

...Autumn.