BIRTH PART II (aka Push It!)

You know that Salt n Peppa song right? I wish I had thought of that while I was pushing. That would have been hilarious. I started pushing at quarter to 7. I was so excited that it was finally time to push. All my friends had told me they had to push for “maybe 15 minutes.” A couple of them pushed up to 45 minutes. So at 6:45 I was under the firm impression that by 7:30 (7:45 at the latest) I would be holding a glowing baby in a softly lit hospital room. Ken would be there, family would be gathered around, and there would be music (preferably with violins) playing somewhere softly. I’d be in a pink silk nightgown, my hair swept out of my face in a flawless up-do.
I started pushing in 10 second intervals. I was feeling really good about it. It was work- but it’s nothing I couldn’t do for 45 minutes. My nurse was fantastic. Smiley and encouraging. “Let’s do another 10. And go.” Pushpushpushpushpushpushpushpush. After half hour my nurse started to change. She didn’t seem as excited. She’d say things like, “He’s really cozy in there.” and “Keep your bottom on the table.” I didn’t know my bottom was off the table. When we reached the hour mark I was a little discouraged. I was told to take a break. I was told nicely and all but I really got the impression that she didn’t think I was pushing with all my might. She left to get a second opinion and I told Ken that when she came back I was going to push like hell and that little baby would shoot out of me like a football. I pushed like hell. But nothing happened. Around 9 I thought I was going to die. We were trying all kinds of things. Tug of war. Side pushing. Squatting. One leg up and one down. Extra high stirrups. Extra low stirrups. At this point I became delusional. I really don’t remember a lot of what went on and what I said. I remember someone threatened to turn my epidural down so I could feel enough to push. Didn’t happen. I also remember telling Ken that I could say whatever I wanted and that if anyone needed to calm down it was him. He later told me that when I had to push I would be really really mean and start yelling at everyone to smile and be encouraging and don’t they know I AM pushing. And then on the breaks I would be their #1 cheerleader. Telling the nurses what a great job they did on that push. I had about 7 nurses by this time. They just kept coming in and checking me. Giving their advice. At 9:30 I was screaming for Dr. Huggins. One of the nurses said she would call her. I swear 5 seconds later she was right in front of me. I cried with relief. Ken said I called her my fairy godmother and told her she was the most beautiful woman alive. Oh boy. What a whack I was.
I pushed a few more times. Dr. Huggins asked if I wanted to use the vacuum. I just wanted him out. We tried the vacuum twice to no avail. She couldn’t get it to stick to his head. She asked if I would be okay with a c-section.

“Just get him out.”
Sob. Sob. Sob.