Craft Catastrophe

It's winter.  Stillllllll. 
Still winter means we're still inside... still running out of things to do... still still still.

My sister, Andi, sent me an e-mail that listed 200 things to do with your kids inside.  Most of them were crafts and experiments.  Right up there in my alley.  I sorted through what I considered to be the duds and was left with about 75 winners.  Or... so I thought.
I showed Kole the list and he picked one with cotton balls.  The kid loves cotton balls.  What can I say?  I'm raising him right.
We got all set up.  Covered the table with newspaper, carefully mixed the flour and water, and added food coloring.  We dipped the cotton balls in and then placed them on a well-greased (old and nasty) cookie sheet.  We sat and watched them bake for 40 minutes. Yup.  We sat in front of the oven with the little light on and watched.  And "chit chatted."  Which is Kole's newest favorite word. 

And we made:

Um... They were....

They kinda were like.... rock hard cotton balls.

"What do I do with it, Mom?"

"Can we eat it?"  "No.  You can't eat it.  You can.... uhhhhh...."

"It's dinosaur poop." -Kole

I can't really say what we made.  Or what the purpose was.  It killed time.  We ended up sorting them by color.  Lining them up.  Throwing them at the baby. (Just kidding.)  (Not really.)  They turned out right... I just can't say as what.  And when I went back and re-read the article, it never really said what they were.  But they're kids called them dinosaur poop too.  Which is really pretty cool that dinosaurs poop in color.

So, in closing, if you're feeling the winter blues, if you've got a little cabin fever and you want to bust out of it by making so cotton ball rocks- Let me know!  I've got the recipe!

The First 1st Birthday Party

Koley had his first (of three) birthday parties on Sunday.  It was a dog theme.  That theme was picked strictly on the fact that Koley can say "dog."  He loves to hear dogs, point at dogs, pet dogs, see dogs... anything dog related is right up Kole's alley.  I ordered a cake from Sam's and got them to put a dog on it.  (They said the picture was edible... but I tasted it and it tasted like wet paper towels.  I mean I guess you can eat wet paper towels if you want to but they aren't any good.)  The cake was good though.  Yellow cake with strawberry filling and butter cream icing.  FanTAStic. Dare I say, my favorite.  (About half was left after the par-tay and me and Ken ate it within 36 hours... yeah... good.)

Koley got his own cake.  Being one and all.  Ken didn't totally think he'd go for it because Kole doesn't like sticky things... but we all do crazy things for sweets.  The boy had cake everywhere.  In his hair, eyebrows, ears, belly button, arm pits, and in between his toes.  I was so proud of him.  He likes sweets just like hims mama.

When I was growing up, the rule for birthday parties was- you can invite Grandma and one friend. But I'm running my own house now and I'm a big softie and let Kole invite 2 friends.  He invited Colton and Taylee and they were party animals!  Literally.

Kole hasn't grasped the concept of presents.  Luckily, Colton was there to help because Kole was happy as can be just... sitting on his gifts.  People look at me funny when I sit on gifts but Kole got a lot of laughs.

This was his first present.  I sat it next to him and he just looked alllll around.  Like there was nothing there.   I asked my mom, "How do I make him open it?"

 

 

It was a gorgeous day to celebrate my gorgeous son.  I amso proud of him and Ken and myself. 
Yup!
I'm still riding that confidence wave.

Uno

All day today I have been looking at the clock going:
"It's ten to 10.  We were getting ready to head over to the hospital."
"It's 10:05.  We were driving to the hospital. I was telling Ken,'Don't speed, don't speed, don't speed.  I don't want to get pulled over."
"It's 1:00.  They wheeled in that tray of baby delivering stuff.  They broke my water."
"It's 5:46.  I was pushing."

My mom told me I would do this today.  I think it's just natural.  She also said that on the baby's first birthday it's really the mom that deserves the cake and the presents.  I would have to agree.  But I'm a big cake lover.  And who doesn't love presents.

I have felt a current of emotions today.
Starting with proud.
I am proud my little man can do all that he can.  He really impresses me.  He is sharp as a tack.  Loves to point at dogs, planes, me, Dad, food (especially oaties), and books.  I am proud that he is a lovey baby who wants to snuggle all the time.  I am proud that he is determined to reach his goals.  I know they are only little baby goals... like get the blue ball and push it into the kitchen but he tries really hard to reach them and never gives up.  That makes me proud of him.  I'm proud that he is a good sleeper and a good eater.  I am proud that he is not a complainer and I like to think I taught him that.  Though, truth be told I'm pretty sure he inherited that from his Dad.  I am also proud of myself.  For doing this.  For becoming a mom.  I consider myself one now.  I'm proud of how I raise Kole.

I've been a little teary today.
I feel like I am losing my little baby.  He has no idea that he is one now and a "toddler" but he is.  I miss holding him all day and taking naps together in the big bed.  I miss all his little teeny tiny soft cries and his little fold up bath tub.  I miss his tiny clothes (even though they were never that small).  I miss setting him on the bed and knowing he will be there no matter what.  I miss having Koley as my baby.  I remember Day 1.  It seems like Day 1 was yesterday I remember it so well.

Finally, I have felt extremely confident today.
I did it.  I made it through a whole year.  All the crying (on both of our parts), and worry, and learning, and growing, and adapting, and change... I did it.  I feel like "Bring It On July 19th!  I already did your day once and I can do it again."  I am confident that I am doing the right thing in the right way and no one knows better than I do when it comes to Koley Moley Stromboli.  He is my son.

And he is one today.
It has been a very good year.

 

352 Days

Kole is going to turn one on the 18th.
I know I should be over "it" but I'm just not. I can't even name what "it" is.  But, I still cry about it and dwell on it and try to name it.
The delivery?
11 pounds?
The pain?
The healing?
The hurt?
The emptiness?
The loss?
The longing?
The difference?
The change?
The let-down?
The blues?
The ________?
I am still me but not. I think there was a Patty before Kole and she died July 18, 2010.  And then there has been this Patty.  Who looks like me.  But doesn't think or act like me. She smiles less. Is tired more.  Always agitated and on edge. Hardly ever laughs. She's not spontaneous and won't take risks but complains about never doing anything anymore.  She's not anywhere near as funny as the old Patty.  And she's quiet.  A lot. 
I was reading the journal I have kept for Kole last night and before he came the entries are witty and upbeat and you can feel the radiance and excitement.  And after- it's more of a record.  Facts sprinkled with a few niceties. 
I struggle with this because I love my son, I do.  And I teach him and play with him and make him laugh.  He has a beautiful life. But, something feels gone in mine. 
I've been hopeful that I'll wake up one day and feel my heart beating like hers.  I keep waiting to go back to her.
But I don't think I'll ever be able to.

Christmas Comes But Once A Year

That saying can be applied to any of the holidays.  I don't know why we use it exclusively for Christmas.
This Father's Day, for instance, felt like Christmas.
Because.
Um.
We bought a bike trailer for Father's Day!
Hip Hip!
HOORAY!
Merry Father's Day?

Kenmo put it together Saturday night and Sunday we had our Maiden Voyage.  (Yes.  That's capitalized.  It's going to become a holiday.  The paper work has been filed.  You won't have to work on Maiden Voyage Day.)
It's orange and it's gray and it's magnificent.  It has a flag!  That's my favorite part.  I am going to decorate the flag really cool.  Some... how.  Ken suggested our family crest.  Which I would have to invent/design.
Koley loves it in there.  He likes the windows and the fresh air and seeing dogs on his level.  Kole loves dogs.  He says "dawd" and points (anywhere) when he hears one bark.  And if we are lucky enough to see one Kole will start clapping and bouncing and really show you some moves.

Ken making sure my bike "worked."  You can't see the Koley but can you see the breathtaking flag?  It's astounding!

So, on Maiden Voyage Ken rode his old mission bike (that's practically new) and I carted Ol' King Kole around.  It was hard work.  My butt hurts.  And my quads and shins.  Even my ankles are sore.  I would fall so far behind and Ken kept hollering back, "Shift DOOOWWWN!" 
But I ain't no holla' back girl.
And shifting down didn't help anyway.  It just made me look stupid.  I'd be pedaling a zapillion times a minute and move 2 feet.  Idiotic.  I don't mind moving slow as long as my pedaling matches.  Does that make sense?  It's so liberating to have one.  I feel like one of the cool moms now.  I keep saying that "Kole loves it."  But who am I kidding?  I'm the one who is completely gaga over it.  I mean.... I took three bike rides today.  And I'm going to try to take at least that many tomorrow.

Can you see a little head in there?  Or are you too busy staring at my gut?  It's REALLY sticking out for some reason.  "Not sucking in" is most likely the reason.

I'm trying not to be all boring and parent-y and only talk about my kid.  But, let's face facts.  I'm all of those things.  And this is a big deal for me.