Wednesday, July 6, 2011

352 Days

Kole is going to turn one on the 18th.
I know I should be over "it" but I'm just not. I can't even name what "it" is.  But, I still cry about it and dwell on it and try to name it.
The delivery?
11 pounds?
The pain?
The healing?
The hurt?
The emptiness?
The loss?
The longing?
The difference?
The change?
The let-down?
The blues?
The ________?
I am still me but not. I think there was a Patty before Kole and she died July 18, 2010.  And then there has been this Patty.  Who looks like me.  But doesn't think or act like me. She smiles less. Is tired more.  Always agitated and on edge. Hardly ever laughs. She's not spontaneous and won't take risks but complains about never doing anything anymore.  She's not anywhere near as funny as the old Patty.  And she's quiet.  A lot. 
I was reading the journal I have kept for Kole last night and before he came the entries are witty and upbeat and you can feel the radiance and excitement.  And after- it's more of a record.  Facts sprinkled with a few niceties. 
I struggle with this because I love my son, I do.  And I teach him and play with him and make him laugh.  He has a beautiful life. But, something feels gone in mine. 
I've been hopeful that I'll wake up one day and feel my heart beating like hers.  I keep waiting to go back to her.
But I don't think I'll ever be able to.


Julia said...

For me, it was post partum depression and it didn't go away fully until I stopped nursing Greta around her year mark. And just recently I realized, hey, I don't cry for no reason now...and I like that. Chris does too. :)

Poulsen Family said...

I feel that way sometimes; especially on the days I have a low dosage of patience. Motherhood in the beginning is a lot of work with glimpses of reward. I'm hoping with time I find a good balance of happiness.

Holli Fuhriman said...

Children seem to be the source of our greatest grief and our greatest happiness. When they're young the effort it takes to simply live through each day is colossal. As they grow it seems that effort moves into stress for their well- being. I suppose once we've made the decision to become parents we can be sure our lives and our selves will never be the same. But I think that's the same with all decisions. College changed me, getting married changed me, different jobs have shaped how I view myself and the world. Our kids won't be young forever and one day we'll have time (though probably not much still) to find ourselves again. Taking the best from our pre-mommy selves and qualities of love, compassion and patience that motherhood develops in us. Sorry that was so long. I've also been thinking that Andrew and kole might have fun having a short play date sometime.

SkippyMom said...

I feel that our children redefine us [and hopefully for the better.]

As a person that never wanted children, and ended up with 6, I can honestly say I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't have had them. And I like me. heehee

Hang in there - he is still young. I promise, they make great little pals, friends, playmates as they get older. It gets easier.

Happy Birthday to Kole!

Patty said...

I like having moms rally around me!