16 in 1

1. I am an independent woman. The shoes on my feet... I bought it! The house I live in... I bought it!
2. I am smarter than the average bear. (and man, woman, and child)
3. I own a sewing machine and quilting supplies and have every intention of learning to use them one day.
4. I find rude and tactless people an abomination.
5. I find rude and tactless people a marvel. How have they survived so long with absolutely no clue?
6. I like finding spelling errors in novels and text books. I wish that was a job. I'd be so good at it.
7. I want to scrub my bathroom spickity-span-clean. But it's way too disgusting. I wish Ken didn't pee on the floor. I know it's not MY pee on the floor.
8. I hate it when people end sentences with the word "at." Did you know that you aren't supposed to end sentences with prepositions? Which is more pleasing to the ear- you tell me:
a.) Where are the scissors at?
b.) Where are the scissors?
Correct answer: B
9. I wish younger girls were aware of their actions. The fact that you're young does not give you the liberty to say and do anything.
10. Can I start a class that teaches women how to cross their legs? Honestly, you can drive a boat show through there!
11. What did people do before CallerID?
12. I'd like to live in a place with 4 distinct seasons. That last 3 months each.
13. I don't want to live where I have to have neighbors.
14. Drinking bottled water makes me feel rich. Especially when I am driving.
15. I would love to dye my hair a different color every two or three months.
16. I get such a kick out of the phrase "couple three times." What?! I always forget to use it.

Step One:

The first step in recovery is: admitting there is a problem.

Thanks to an incredibly embarrassing episode with our home teachers yesterday- I finally got Ken to admit that-

Yes, Rusty has a problem.

The barking, ruined shoes, missing dinners, bruises, sore arms from exhausting walks, notices from the police, letters from neighbors, expulsion from Obedience School, and a constant nagging wife the last 3+ years have fallen on deaf ears. His love for Rusty was too overwhelming. Bless Ken for only seeing the good. But last night Ken admitted he would like to see Rusty improve in a few areas.

That was my green light.

Today I called my friend, Jessie, a dog trainer (and dog-lover) she is scheduled for next Monday the 3rd to start work on Rusty.

Obstacles?

1. The door. When the door bell rings (for anyone who hasn't been to my house) it's pandemonium. Rusty goes nutso. Running up and down the steps multiple times- threatening to trip anyone who tries to get through. He jumps on the door trying to see out the windows. And the barking. The barking reaches a decibel unsafe for humans.

2. Walks. When you say the word "walk" even if you are not asking Rusty if he wants to take one... the same behavior ensues as with the door bell. Except you need to add jumping on whoever is getting the leash. I was getting the leash Saturday and Rusty knocked me on my unbalanced bum-by. Ken and I have taken to spelling walk... but I think Rusty is figuring that out too. His ears perk up when we say "w-a-l...."

3. Listening. Rusty has decided in the last month or so (since warm weather has come) that he is smarter than me. He knows more than I do and can make his own decisions. Because of his new found intelligence he no longer feels the need to listen to me. If he is outside and it's time to come in- I'll call his name. He won't even turn his head. The so-called "Terrible twos"... that have drug into the "terrible threes"- going on to the "terrible fours."

I met with Jessie today and had a consultation. It was so professional! She had me write a list of concerns and trouble areas my pup has and after reviewing my list she said it'll be no problem getting him on the straight and narrow. She will need me to provide one pack of hot dogs and 2 nights a week for as long as it takes. She thinks 4 session will be pa-lenty.

I just worry.

She hasn't met him yet.

Zero-Gravity

Does anyone else have action cravings when they are pregnant? Has anyone else ever heard of that? Did I just make that up? Yeah. Me thinks me did. An action craving is just like a food craving. A food craving is when you just know in the depths of your soul that if you eat 4 or 5 donuts and a big glass of chocolate milk you'll feel great. An action craving is when you just know in the depths of your soul that if you get down on your hands and knees and crawl around the coffee table once or twice your back will feel better. Comprende?

My action craving has been swimming for well over a month. Saturday night Ken and I decided to go up to Heise Hot Springs and soothe that craving. Oh. My. Gosh. It felt so good. I'll admit I felt a little silly with my swimsuit stretched to near see-through proportions... but the water... the weightless environment... I felt so liberated! I was stretching and running in place! I was swimming laps and floating on my back. It was amazing. We swam for a little over an hour. (A bunch of trashy twenty somethings showed up and broke Pool Rule #8: NO PDAs. We had to get out of there.) We were heading towards the shallow end and I was telling Ken how good I was feeling and how this needs to become a habit for us. I was smiling ear to ear.... until my belly emerged from the water. I felt like I couldn't even stand up straight that GD belly was so heavy! Seriously, elephant-like weight.

28.5 Week Appointment

Going into Dr. Huggins office on Tuesday felt like walking onto the field at graduation. I made it. I was had graduated to the every-two-week-appointment program and man (!) did it feel good. When I went in the front desk girl called me by my name. Points. I checked in and went to find a seat that would fit my wide behind. As I balanced myself into my chair I realized I was the biggest in the waiting room. The pride that swelled within me.... sigh. *Tears* I remember being newly pregnant and sitting in that room and thinking I would never ever show. I would be the only woman to birth a baby without a belly. I figured everyone thought I had weird female problems There is no way anyone thought I was pregnant. Now that I am one of the seniors on campus, I look at the new girls and I know they are pregnant and excited and nervous and they think no one thinks they are pregnant. I know now nobody thought what I thought they thought about me. I asked one of the super skinny girls sitting next to me how far along she was. A sweet and tender 8 weeks. How precious. I hope that made her day. It made mine telling her I was 28.5 weeks preggy.

For the first (and only) time in my life I wish my name was Peggy. They I could be Preggy Peggy. I like dorky names like that.

It is very obvious there is a baby a brewing and Ken no longer refers to me as Patty. He refers to me as "corn combine" or "wide load" or "blimpy." So, endearing.

I had my glucose screening on Tuesday. Uh, yeah. Not so good. I'm supposed to be at 140. I'm at 199. Dr. Huggins called me "horrible." Harsh, ma dear, very harsh. I think the test was totally botched. From my reading and research and polling friends- it seems every one on this good green planet fasts before the glucose screening. Dr. Huggins told me I didn't have to. Just drink the Tang half hour before the appointment and they'll test me. My appointment was at 4:00. I chugged my juice down at 3:30. I was pricked for Glucose at 5:15. The doctor came in at 5:40 and told me my glucose was off the charts and I am at high risk for gestational diabetes and she wants me to the three hour test on Friday after I have fasted. Now. Maybe I am an above average thinker here.... but why did I not have to fast for the first test but DO have to fast for the one tomorrow? That must be a factor in getting correct results, no? Dr. Huggins asked if I had any symptoms of gestational diabetes. Swollen hands and feet? No. Severe headaches? No. Vomiting? No. High blood pressure? No. Excessive weight gain? No. Absolutely NO signs of gestational diabetes except for the fact that I ate regular (translated: like a pregnant little piggy) all day and my base level of sugars was off. I think I was punk'd.
Ken, of course, fell off his rocker when the doctor told us. It was immediately- no more candy, no carbs, no white anything. Blah, blah, blah. Yesterday was Secretary's Day and Sheri took me and some of the ladies we work with out to lunch. I was eyeing (drooling over) the country fried steak with white gravy and mashed potatoes. Unfortuneately, Ken had talked to Sheri and told her of the possibility of me having this condition. I had to get the Cesar Salad with grilled chicken instead. Boo hiss.
Tomorrow morning at 8:30 (after fasting for 12 hours) I go for the 3 hour screening. I wish the doctor would have just done it right first time. Then I caould go back to eating Sour Patch Kids whenever I want.

Rhogam

Tuesday night Ken and I headed over to the doctor's office for the final appointment in the one-month series. We have now graduated to the two-week program. (Only 11 weeks peeps.) We waited out our normal hour and a half to see the doctor. I will never ever EVER get used to waiting that long for an appointment.

At the very beginning of my pregnancy they told me I had B- blood. This I have known. They explained all about the Rh Negative factor and told me later in my pregnancy I would get a Rhogam shot to protect my future babies from my own body. You see, when you are a negative blood type and your baby may or may not be a positive blood type- your body attacks the embryo (if it's a +) and treats it as an intruder. Rhogam is supposed to stop your body from doing that. What I have read is it depends also on what the baby's dad is. If your both the same blood type (+ or -) it doesn't matter. Two positives will always make a positive... two negatives will always make a negative. While me and Ken were sitting in the waiting room thumbing through parenting magazines- I thought I'd ask him, "What's your blood type, babe?" He shrugged. Didn't look up. "That's odd," I thought. "Didn't they test you here? Or ask you?" He shook his head. My thought process went something along the lines of... why am I getting a shot when we only have half the information? I'm not afraid of shots.. at all. But I don't want people poking all kinds of fluids and junk into my body when they don't have to. That seems- pointless.
When we got back to the teeny room the doctor came in (after 45 minutes) and told me I was getting my shot today. I asked her about Ken and didn't his blood play a factor in it? She assured me it did. I told her we didn't know his blood type. "We better do the shot anyway." That was her answer. I asked again- differently. "Let's just do the shot." I asked if we could screen Ken and then do the shot. "You're here now. Let's do it." I felt really weird about that.

Not at all as weird as when the nurse came in with the shot and asked if I wanted it in the arm or the rear. I thought it was a joke! It wasn't. After I laughed and she didn't laugh back I blushed. "Oh. The arm, please."
"The rear is much less painful, you know" she insisted.
"Yes, but much more embarrassing. The arm, please."

Aunt Patty

There was one weekend during tax season I felt particularly rebellious and opted to not work a Saturday. Instead of filing returns and being miserable I went down to Utah to visit Ms. Julia and Baby Greta. I was a month late in welcoming Greta to Earth. I made it up with some Funfetti cake! I always say, "Nothing says Happy 1 month like a Funfetti Cake." It's my ultimate favorite. Maybe my new slogan should be "Nothing says _______ night like Funfetti Cake." Then I could make one tonight... since nothing says Wednesday night like Funfetti cake. I'm onto something here.

The weekend was just magical. Vicky flew out from da Burgh and can I say she is looking totally fab. She runs like 15 miles a day and her skin was fresh and vibrant and her bod was rocking! Totally jealous.

Jules and Chris are really caring parents. Not to mention total love birds! These two have been married for a year and half and you'd think they just got engaged. It's adorable. Couple of little lovey dovey parakeets.They just swoon over Miss Greta and what's not to swoon over. Those chubby cheeks and knees and the baby-ness of her is simply overwhelming. They let me hold her as long as I wanted... me and Vicks fought for her sometimes. She is a big time snuggler. You pick her up and cradled her and she just nuzzles in as close as she can get. Love it!

And may I say- there is something very special about holding an infant when there is a little person inside of you. It's a new experience.

These Two Never Quit

Being out of the loop for the last 3 and half months- the first thing I try to get back in to is Celeb Gossip. Call it a dirty secret or a guilty pleasure- but it's mine all mine. I love it. Most shocking since coming back?? John and Kate Gosselin are STILL in the news! Are you kidding me? When I took my tax hiatus and put my nose to the grind they were separated and... NO! I think they were already divorced! John was flying here and there with young girlies and Kate was crying about how little money she had and how can she feed her kids on $100,000 a year. It was soooooooo sad. Wah. Wah.

Now, all this time has passed and I get back in the groove and John seems gone. But Kate. Kate and that awful hair is everywhere! Talking about her book, talking about Dancing with the Stars, talking about her failed marriage. Fresh order of French Cries and Whamburgers is up every day. It's silly. I never hear her talk about her kids- give an update on them. It's good they are out of the public eye- but maybe she should take a step back out of the public eye too. And take care of those 8 kids!

The other thing that really surprises me: These pictures are of the same person! Wha?!?!?

Give me some good celebrity gossip. Tell me about Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart, for Pete's sake.

Free At Last, Free At Last!

Today it ends. The bizarre frantic rush that turns every accountant and CPA into some form of a monster or zombie. I like to think I morph into a super-sweet-customer-friendly-monster. Maybe at work. Ken would testify otherwise. The end of this season is quite welcome. This year had several low/ridiculous points:

1. The argument I had with a client about not being able to write off pets. Not even cats or dogs. Fish. Come! ON!

2. The argument I had with a client when she only got $13,000 back as a refund. Come! ON!

3. The argument I had with a client about having to wait his turn in line like every one else. This is a business. If you can't think of it that way- think of it like you are on the playground. And you want to get on the slide. But there are three kids in front of you. You have you wait, huh, sweetie? Come! ON!

4. The argument I had with a client about switching to a flat tax. She claims nobody will make charitable contributions if we do. And all these helpful organizations will go to the crapper. Really? That's the only reason she had for not switching to flat tax. And apparently the only reason she makes donations. Yeah- I do it for the write off too. Forget about the good of mankind. Lady, you're an idiot. Come! ON!

5. The time a lady called me with some "tax questions" and tried to trick me into walking her through turbo tax. Come! ON!

To tally: Patty 5 wins. Clients 0 wins. I am ruthless! I also have at least one client every year that makes me cry. Says something offensive or gives me an unnecessary hard time. Or tells me how bad I am at my job. Not this year! Sure the mean things came but I felt somehow disconnected. A lady that works in my office said that means I am becoming a mama bear. Me likey that.

So to officially mark this momentous close of Tax Season I am writing a poem:

Tax season you're stinky

You're rotten and mean

I have carpal tunnels

From my 10-key machine

You trick me each year

You start out so slowly

But by February I hate you

And say words un-holy

March brings the idiots

And working around the clock

I've told several dumbos

"Go to H&R Block"

By April I'm a zombie

It's a transformation I dread

My mind tells my brain

There is a light ahead

That light comes too slowly

My computer normally breaks

I run out of ink, paper, and patience

Fixing other people's mistakes

But year after year

The 15th comes

And I relish the day

I don't have to deal with these bums

Today it is here

The 15th at last

I'm smiling and grinning....

So do your own damn return