Monday, November 1, 2010

The Helpless Human

Last night I was getting The Kolester ready for bed. Dad had decided that he was tired and needed some down time before getting up early to go to Salt Lake. Reasonable. So, I feed the bottomless milk tank Kole stores in his abdomen. I get up and pat his back to get a burp out. I'm walking around the living room where Ken is reading and he says, "Will you turn on the big light?" Sure. I hoist my 20 pound three month old onto one arm so I can turn the knob to turn the lamp on. Click. Click. On. Patting the back and out comes some gas. The bath stuff isn't ready so I balance Kole in one arm and gather up the tubby, a towel, the baby body wash, powder, bag balm, a fresh diaper, wipes, wash rags, a onesie, and his zippy jammas. I'm carrying all this PLUS Kole, mind you. I'm walking through the living room into the kitchen and Ken says, "Will you bring me a spoonful of cookie dough?" Sure. I set Kole on the counter... don't call Child Protective Services on me. He can't really move yet. I grab the container of cookie dough and a spoon and bring it in to Ken. "Oh, I just wanted one spoonful." My nerves are getting just slightly rattled as I reply, "Well when you're done you can just set it down. Eat what you want." I'm walking back to the kitchen when the voice of my darling husband stops me. "You know what would make this snack perfect? Milk!" Being the intellectually gifted individual I am- I sense this is a hint to bring him milk. Which I do. Begrudgingly. Then I get the bath running. I get Kole undressed. I get peed on. I get Kole in the water and I start scrubbing the stink off of him. (His major stink areas are under his multiple chins and beneath the rolls that are behind his ears.) I'm about one third of the way through the process when ringing so sweetly in my ears I hear: "Hey hon? Will you bring me some socks? My feet are getting cold. Oh! And some water?"
"Ken, I'm right in the middle of Kole's bath. Can it wait?"
"Well, how long will it take you to finish?"

Not a good question to ask, Ken. Not a good question.

"Well, Ken, the bath will take about 5 more minutes. Then I'm going to read him a story. Then I'll put him down for the night. Soooo... 20 minutes? You might want to get your own socks if you are really cold."

"Ah. nah. I'll wait for you."

Isn't he just the sweetest? I get Kole down. It does take about 20 minutes to get through the whole routine. I go into our bedroom and Ken is in the bathroom now taking out his contacts. I'm changing and he says, "Will you get me that glass of water now?"

The following conversation ensued:

P: (having reached her limit) Can you get it yourself? I spend all day taking care of a helpless human being.
K: But I can help myself.
P: Great! That's what I like to hear! So, go get your own stinking glass of water.
K: I don't think you understand I can help myself.
P: Why do you think I don't understand that?
K: You wouldn't be helping a helpless human being you'd be helping a human who can help himself.
(Both start laughing)
P: Pretty sure I get it. Do you get what you are saying?
K: Yes. And I am presenting you with an opportunity to serve a fellow human being.
P: Oh that's rich.

I don't get his reasoning. Ever.
But I did get him his water.
Because I love him.
It's hard not to.


Karlenn said...

I love that Kole has multiple chins, and fat rolls behind his ears. I didn't know you could get those! He's so cute. You are way, way nicer than I am. If Ben had asked me these things, oh mama. I would have let him have it. I need to be more Christlike. :) Dude, I've been wanting to get together this week, but my kids have STILL been puking and having diarrhea. And then it happened to me all day today. Heaven help me. I'll call ya tomorrow.

Chris-baby + Jules-a-bug said...

This story plays out in my house sometimes. Except Chris is you and I am Ken. Oh, and I am usually nursing Greta. Sometimes I feel like Chris does pretty much EVERYTHING but nurse Greta.

Nat said...

Men are so helpless! I think Pete would starve to death if it weren't for me. Not that he doesn't know HOW to go to the store or cook, but I do it ALL for him. Sheesh. And he wonders why I'm so tired at the end of the day, after taking care of six people.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if I were you I would've kicked him in his lazy butt and made him do all that stuff himself. Yes, I serve my husband, but while I'm dealing with the kids?? He KNOWS he doesn't ask me to do things for him then. Give Ken time I guess, he'll learn!! I hope for your sake!!