When Kole doesn't do what I want him to I'm the one who feels like a failure. Shouldn't he feel some degree of that? And I am talking the big things. I don't care about smiling for pictures or talking to Grannies on the phone or wearing blue jeans. (Yeah. Kole struggles with all 3 of those.) I'm talking eating dinner. Eating anything more than bread would be a step up. I want him to treat other people nicely. Especially those in the human race under the age of 3. Kole struggles with that demographic. I want him to sleep at nap time. And bed time. We are in a horrible vortex of non-sleep right now and every day it gets worse. Because the sleeping has yet to happen, the grumpiness compounds. On a bi-daily basis. After each missed nap and each shortened bed time. I think in math I would be using exponents to explain the problem. Or that n to the one-th.
I'm struggling because we had this issues whipped in the babies bottom. Kole has always been a good sleeper. He's never had trouble trying new foods. He's so tender-hearted. And now, all that is gone. Hopefully, only temporary. But it sure makes me think... what was all that work for?
I have read articles and books and talked to his pediatrician. When he's up, I'm working to teach him how to behave, how to respond, how to survive, and how to be happy. And I'm building train tracks, making lunch, changing his diaper, regular mom schtuff. When he's sleeping (or in his room talking to himself hoping I'll come in) I'm thinking of new techniques to try, I'm making charts, I'm planning the next day, I'm developing new ideas for fun.
There is no break. It's constant.
It's my life's work. Well it's my last three years' work.
And that life's work is not sleeping, eating right, or being nice.
And that is what failure feels like.
When Ken reads this post he'll say, 'Kole is such a good kid.' And I know that. And I know he's a Child of God and I'm so blessed to have him. But he is such a GD brat sometimes*.
*the last 12-15 days.