Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Feelings of Failure

When Kole doesn't do what I want him to I'm the one who feels like a failure.  Shouldn't he feel some degree of that?  And I am talking the big things.  I don't care about smiling for pictures or talking to Grannies on the phone or wearing blue jeans.  (Yeah.  Kole struggles with all 3 of those.)  I'm talking eating dinner.  Eating anything more than bread would be a step up.  I want him to treat other people nicely.  Especially those in the human race under the age of 3.  Kole struggles with that demographic.  I want him to sleep at nap time. And bed time.  We are in a horrible vortex of non-sleep right now and every day it gets worse.  Because the sleeping has yet to happen, the grumpiness compounds.  On a bi-daily basis.  After each missed nap and each shortened bed time.  I think in math I would be using exponents to explain the problem.  Or that n to the one-th.
I'm struggling because we had this issues whipped in the babies bottom.  Kole has always been a good sleeper.  He's never had trouble trying new foods.   He's so tender-hearted.  And now, all that is gone.  Hopefully, only temporary.  But it sure makes me think... what was all that work for?
I have read articles and books and talked to his pediatrician.  When he's up, I'm working to teach him how to behave, how to respond, how to survive, and how to be happy.  And I'm building train tracks, making lunch, changing his diaper, regular mom schtuff.  When he's sleeping (or in his room talking to himself hoping I'll come in) I'm thinking of new techniques to try, I'm making charts, I'm planning the next day, I'm developing new ideas for fun. 
There is no break.  It's constant. 
It's my life's work.  Well it's my last three years' work. 
And that life's work is not sleeping, eating right, or being nice.
And that is what failure feels like.

When Ken reads this post he'll say, 'Kole is such a good kid.'  And I know that.  And I know he's a Child of God and I'm so blessed to have him.  But he is such a GD brat sometimes*.

*the last 12-15 days.


Ashley Andersen said...

Hang in there. I know how you feel. You are an awesome mom! Let's get together just a girls night. Maybe you just need to check in to a hotel for 24 hours by yourself and sleep. Or whatever the heck you want. Love ya. Thanks for always being such a great friend to me!

Juli said...

I so get this. You have no idea. Oldest had colic, Youngest came only 16 months after him... he had night terrors EVERY night. Then we discovered (by accident no less) they were both in the Autistic spectrum. One of the many reasons Youngest would only wear boots and NEVER wore jeans. *sigh*

And now I have Tony.... the biggest toddler of them all :)

Beth Willmore said...

You seriously made me laugh SO hard Patty! He's a GD brat sometimes? Um yeah I totally get that, but when I voice the opinion Jared gets ticked. WHATEVER!! He's at work all day and doesn't see the level of brattiness that I'm up against, it makes me want to take up drinking!

Poulsen Family said...

My feelings are the same. Max got kicked out of nursery Sunday for being so mean and naughty. I am so beside myself on how to discipline and handle the situation.
I wish I could tell you it gets better but I've been dealing with it for over three months now. I.am.at.a.loss.
Hopefully child #2 helps redeem our self esteem on parenthood!

Kyle and Shelly said...

So I am a friend of Karlenn Smith's and I just wanted to encourage you. 3 sucks plain and simple. Great encouragement huh? Anyways, when they're 2 they break the rules because they don't know them and when they're 3 they know the rules and break them to see what you'll do about it. Just be consistent and gear yourself up for a long haul. And heck if the kid doesn't sleep during the nap that's ok, it will just make him more tired to go to sleep at night. You are in my prayers and check out Power of Moms website, they have some great stuff. Thanks

Patty said...

@Ashley: I wish the whole world was people like you.
@Juli: I feel like were are always on the same page (just 15 years apart)
@Beth: Jared and Ken could write their own book on how to raise the sweetest kids...because apparently that's what they have.
@Courtney: No! I think if Kole were just a tad bit more open around other people... they wouldn't let him in nursery.
@Shelly: Thank you for the encouragement! 1.5 years to go!