Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Feeding Frenzy

This monster has been on a feeding frenzy the last week or so. Go ahead and ask me why. Oh! Good question. Because Ken insists on keeping him in the house ALL DAY! No playing outside, no fresh air. Because Ken is afraid of our neighbor, Rachel. This sort of containment leads to bad-dog-behavior. Honestly, the poor thing gets bored. I believe this is why he eats things. The following is a list of what he has eaten in the last 2 weeks:
1. 1 TV/DVD remote (his third)
2. 1 bunch of bananas
3. 1 bag of Cinnamon Raisin English Muffins (my favorite)
4. 1 flip flop
5. 1/2 of 1 Croc
6. 2 pieces of junk mail
7. 1 Oprah magazine
8. 1 black pair of tights
9. 3 dish towels
10. 1 8 pack of razors

The razors is where the story begins. Ken and I decided that although I love the Venus razors they are astronomically expensive. So, we are going to share a set of mens razors. The Mach 3 or whatever. Something like that. They come 8 in a pack and it's $5. Much better than 3 in a pack for $12.99. So much for being a goddess. We pick up our razors when we do our grocery shopping. We unpack everything and, not thinking twice, leave the razors on the counter. The thought never crossed my mind that Rusty might eat these I better put them somewhere safe. Sunday, we go to church, come home, razors are still there. (I wasn't constantly checking to see if the razors were there at the time. I am just elaborating for sake of the story.) So, Monday we head off to work and when I get home there are plastic, orange and gray pieces all over the living room rug. And razor heads. Seriously mangled up. Rusty is standing there smiling, wagging his tail, happy as can be. I am thinking... "Is he saying 'Looky what I did mommy? Aren't you proud?'" He sure looked proud of himself. I started picking the pieces up. Bending over 9 months pregnant is a pain. Literally it hurts. Bending down nine months pregnant to clean up the mess the dog made that could have been avoided if someone would just put him outside not only hurts... it makes me mad. So I count up the razor tops. Only 7. Rusty must have swallowed one. I check his mouth and he's not cut up. But there were definitely not 8 tops left. There were 2 razors that just had some chomp marks on them and one looked perfectly normal at the top- it was just missing half of it's handle. I figured they were still usable. So I set them in the bathroom and threw the rest away.

Monday night I took on the task of trying to shave my legs. Getting past the belly is a challenge. While I am shaving I get like three cuts- which I find abnormal... I mean I've been shaving for how many years? I've got this down. When I get out of the shower and dry off- I am shocked and in serious pain. There are deep cuts in long straight lines that start at my ankles and go straight to my knee caps. On both legs. Rusty ruined those razors. When I examined what I used it had knicks all over the blade. And it was uneven. Something I wish I would have noticed before. I look like a mangled up cutter now.

I threw the "salvaged" razors out. Though maybe I should have let Ken use one just once.... he would have looked like he was attacked by a bear... or at the very least a weasel or something.


Karlenn said...

Ohhhh Pats. Ouch. That sounds really, really painful. I'm surprised Rusty's gums weren't all bloody or whatever. I'm so grateful that my legs do really well with those cheap Gilette things. It would be fun to feel like a goddess, but cheapness rules all, right?? Tell Ken that I command him to let Rusty out, Rachel be darned. You deal with neighbors' dogs. It's just what you do. I deal with my neighbors' dogs. She can deal with yours.

Karlenn said...

OOOORRRRR... you could secretly take Rusty to the pound. :) Ken will forgive you. Eventually. I know from experience, dude. :)

Poulsen Family said...

Ouch! Crazy dog. That is exactly why I don't let Christopher get one.

Brett and Tiffany said...

You are a nice wife! One of our dogs started pulling my flowers up and now they are confined to the back yard! I do not like dogs getting into things!

johnandjana said...

Rusty needs to be outside in a kennel and let the neighbor deal with it. You are being way too nice! I would have creamed him by now.

Anonymous said...

OOOOWWW!! I'm sorry!! That would hurt! (DUH!!! I say to myself as I reread my comment before publishing it:P LOL) How do you keep him inside all day? Where does he go pee??!!! I hope Ken gets over the fear of your neighbor!!