Feeding Frenzy

This monster has been on a feeding frenzy the last week or so. Go ahead and ask me why. Oh! Good question. Because Ken insists on keeping him in the house ALL DAY! No playing outside, no fresh air. Because Ken is afraid of our neighbor, Rachel. This sort of containment leads to bad-dog-behavior. Honestly, the poor thing gets bored. I believe this is why he eats things. The following is a list of what he has eaten in the last 2 weeks:

1. 1 TV/DVD remote (his third)

2. 1 bunch of bananas

3. 1 bag of Cinnamon Raisin English Muffins (my favorite)

4. 1 flip flop

5. 1/2 of 1 Croc

6. 2 pieces of junk mail

7. 1 Oprah magazine

8. 1 black pair of tights

9. 3 dish towels

10. 1 8 pack of razors

The razors is where the story begins. Ken and I decided that although I love the Venus razors they are astronomically expensive. So, we are going to share a set of mens razors. The Mach 3 or whatever. Something like that. They come 8 in a pack and it's $5. Much better than 3 in a pack for $12.99. So much for being a goddess. We pick up our razors when we do our grocery shopping. We unpack everything and, not thinking twice, leave the razors on the counter. The thought never crossed my mind that Rusty might eat these I better put them somewhere safe. Sunday, we go to church, come home, razors are still there. (I wasn't constantly checking to see if the razors were there at the time. I am just elaborating for sake of the story.) So, Monday we head off to work and when I get home there are plastic, orange and gray pieces all over the living room rug. And razor heads. Seriously mangled up. Rusty is standing there smiling, wagging his tail, happy as can be. I am thinking... "Is he saying 'Looky what I did mommy? Aren't you proud?'" He sure looked proud of himself. I started picking the pieces up. Bending over 9 months pregnant is a pain. Literally it hurts. Bending down nine months pregnant to clean up the mess the dog made that could have been avoided if someone would just put him outside not only hurts... it makes me mad. So I count up the razor tops. Only 7. Rusty must have swallowed one. I check his mouth and he's not cut up. But there were definitely not 8 tops left. There were 2 razors that just had some chomp marks on them and one looked perfectly normal at the top- it was just missing half of it's handle. I figured they were still usable. So I set them in the bathroom and threw the rest away.

Monday night I took on the task of trying to shave my legs. Getting past the belly is a challenge. While I am shaving I get like three cuts- which I find abnormal... I mean I've been shaving for how many years? I've got this down. When I get out of the shower and dry off- I am shocked and in serious pain. There are deep cuts in long straight lines that start at my ankles and go straight to my knee caps. On both legs. Rusty ruined those razors. When I examined what I used it had knicks all over the blade. And it was uneven. Something I wish I would have noticed before. I look like a mangled up cutter now.

I threw the "salvaged" razors out. Though maybe I should have let Ken use one just once.... he would have looked like he was attacked by a bear... or at the very least a weasel or something.