Monday, April 4, 2011

"F" in Life.

This morning I woke up and instantly felt like going back to bed.  Kole can't get hurt in his crib... maybe I can just keep him there until... like.... noon.  I wasn't tired I was just so sick of the fight.  The fight against or for life.  To keep things going and up beat.  I was ready for my Caribbean vacation.  Which I can't afford.  I got up but things didn't get better. 
I've been getting on the treadmill everyday except Sunday.  For 3 weeks.  Monday is my weigh in day. Have I lost any weight?  Oh yes!  I have!  I have lost 6 whopping ounces!  Go me!  Go me for sacrificing my time doing something I really don't like in the hopes of looking better!  Go me for being sore and having aching legs.  Those 6 ounces have made it so worth it.  And have really made me want to keep running.  Lame.  Bummer.  Ugh.
Friday night someone came and looked at our house.  I spent the entire day cleaning.  Mi casa was sparkling.  And my hands were burning from bleach and Soft Scrub and Brillo pads and Pine Sol.  I had to let Koley play by himself for a lot of the day which breaks my heart and makes me feel like a slacker-mom.  Today the news comes down the pike that the buyers are simply not interested.  No reason.  Just not interested in my house.  Yeah.  I cried.  Really hard.  I've been the one keeping our hopes afloat.  Staying positive and bouncy and happy.  And now, I just feel like an idiot.  A naive idiot.  And I feel like a widow/single mom. 
Koley will be 9 months in a couple weeks.  I love my cubber.  A lot.  I think he is an amazing being.  But, I was reading some child development books and I just feel like he is really far behind.  Regardless of what the books say about "each child develops at their own rate"- I just wasn't feeling that.  This is what I was feeling... Koley can crawl backwards for like 4 paces.  That started a little over a week ago.  A little late there.  Kole loves to grab the spoon when I am feeding him so I figured it was time to let him feed himself.  I cut some bananers and was so excited to see him soar.  No.  He picked them up- squeezed them and would not put them in his mouth.  Everything ELSE goes in his mouth.  Anything he can find goes in his mouth- except food.  What the heck.  I tried giving him a bottle and sippy cup to teach him to drink on his own.  I've been trying this for 2 months.  Nothing.  Nadda.  It doesn't make me mad at Kole at all.  It makes me ask myself "What are you doing wrong?"  or "What aren't you providing him with?"  Am I not reading enough?  Am I not giving him enough of his own space?  Am I not encouraging him?  I know I'm not good at Baby Talk so, I don't do it.  Should I try to get better at Baby Talk?  I know whe's not good at these things because I spend too much time cleaning the house for people who won't buy it.  I'm a sucky mom.
I have a friend who put it really well once... she said... "I feel like I am failing at life."
Bing. O.
I showered after my non-productive run and came down to the office.  I was looking around before I turned on the computer and found this little book I used to read all the time called "Time for Joy."  It's one of those encouraging thought a day books.  That's really meant for people with addiction problems but I received during some of my darkest days emotionally.  I opened to today's date.

April 4
There are days when it is difficult to stay positive.  There are days when you feel like giving up.  There are days that even a drink or a pill or a candy bar (or a Sticky Finger Salad with extra sticky finger and extra ranch) or any other destructive addiction might APPEAR to be your only answer.
When life seems at its darkest...Stop.  Call your friend.  Ask for help.  Pray.  Meditate.  Talk to someone healthy and positive.
Hang in there.

Today I am hanging in no matter what.  Even when my conscious mind wants to give up, I will reach for that healthy, loving part deep within me and with the help of prayer and meditation and the good people in my life, I will find a rainbow.

Amen, Sister!  Doesn't that feel good!  Ahhh!  Breath deep!  It's going to be fine.  I am a good wife.  An outstanding mother to my son.  I am attractive and healthy.  I am hanging in.  No.  Matter.  What.  So bring on your criticisms.  I can't even hear them today.


DoublClik said...

Well hear this! IIIII LLLLLLOVVVVEEE YOU! I was just thinking getting ready this morning all those nice things you said about me in one of your posts from last week. Pat, I felt like you were my biggest fan and gave an extra big smile in the mirror this morning. So this is for you: You are so pretty and talented. You were always the kindest of us all, the most selfless, you always put one in for the team. I'm so lucky to have you as a sister and friend, and Kole knows he's blessed to be under your watch and love. I'm givin this girl A+ ! Cherry on top! Golllld starrr!!!
High FIVE!

Cinderella, the A-Train and Our Little Caboose said...

Patty, you need to give yourself A LOT more credit...and it sounds like that little book maybe helped you realize that a little. I felt the same way with Noah...sometimes I still feel that way. He talks, but his word pronunciation is behind what most kids his age are saying. He didn't really start crawling until he was over 10 months old, and he didn't start walking until he was about 14 months. He was always vocal but didn't really say much, if that makes sense. Maybe it's just the big boys :) but either way, you are doing a great job. I just realized that Noah was special, he was sent to me for a specific reason. I don't care if maybe he is a little behind in things, because I know how smart he is. When he says 'I Love You Mommy' there is nothing better. Being a mom and wife are the most difficult jobs, but I know you are fantastic at what you do. Give yourself a pat on the back and remember that. Then go get you and Kole some frozen yogurt to share, it always lifts my spirits!

:) I will be sending happy thoughts your way!

Poulsen Family said...

Oh, man. I hate those days/weeks.

Sending love your way!

spoonTRex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You totally need to lighten up on yourself. The way you blog makes it sound like you play a lot with Kole and you do everything he needs you to to be a good mom. I say that as long as he's happy and eating, he'll keep doing the hard work of growing! I guess after having 3 kids you don't really care about when the milestones happen, but that they do. Don't worry about Kole!! He's still a baby:) He definitely will take things at his own pace and you just need to encourage him. I think he's right on track. You know what bothers me? Those babies that you hear start walking at 8 months!! What are they, aliens?? hehe Hope the rest of your day went great!

Karlenn said...

Dang it, Pats, I'm so sorry you scrubbed your house to smithereens for a buyer who wasn't interested. That is so, so, so frustrating. And I'm so sorry that Ken's job is away from you. You have been brave throughout this whole ordeal. And if Kole is behind, well, then Gage is... dead? Hahaha! Sadie and Micah didn't crawl until they were one year old. I was freaking out, but it was all good. I'm sure Gage will be the same way. I'm always telling you how far ahead Kole is, and I have always meant that sincerely. He is sitting up. He rolls with a purpose. He is very, very smart, Pats. You are doing everything right. He's THIS close to crawling. He's right on target. And lots of babies don't hold their bottles. (Including mine.) Mine never, ever held their bottles. But my cousin's babies hold theirs at, like, four months. It's crazy how different babies are. And I forbid you to weigh yourself. I'll bet you're gaining muscle and that's why you haven't seen more of a weight loss. If you run, chant to yourself, "I'm doing this for my heart. I'm doing this for the endorphins." Over and over again. Your body is perfect - it created a baby! Give it credit. Be gentle with yourself. Love you tons, Pats.

Karlenn said...

P.S. - was it me that said the "failing at life" thing? That sounds like something I would say... :)