Monday, January 11, 2010

A Change of Heart, of Mind, of Pants

Name THAT movie, suckas!
Seriously though- I've experienced a change of heart, of mind, and pants since 01/01/10.
My heart has changed. It's not done a complete 180 but maybe we are at 135 or 140. I feel more myself now than I have my whole life. I work- in an accounting office and I rock at my job. I can do it all and do it all with a billion dollar smile on my face. I've been here for a little over four and a half years. I've got it down. But it's never felt like "me." I'm smart. I dress the part. But no matter what- I knew this was not what I was supposed to do. It wasn't "me." I didn't know who "me" was for a long time. But I found her. Really, the little wriggly worm inside of me found her. I'm a mother. I am a born mother. It's my soul. My spirit. I'm a nurturer. I'm a mother. I have found joy in cleaning. (what the?) And I read baby books and I stroke my leetle belly and I feel more myself than I ever have. It's because I'm a mom. Which is what God made me for.
My mind has changed. I have a brain tumor. Who cares? That doesn't run my life. My tumor doctor is smart, smart, smart and not a people-person, not a people-person, not a people-person. Who cares? That doesn't run my life. Ken gets on my back all the time about eating too much junk food and not enough vegetables. Who cares? I eat what I like. Food doesn't run my life. I run my life. Me. I get help from my family, Ken, and God. But I make the last call.
My pants have changed. In the way that they no longer zip. Or button. Or snap. I just hold them up all day. Luckily, I sit a lot. Ken keeps saying it's from the baby growing- I hate to confess it, but I think it's from the Holidays. I'm still snacking on chocolate covered pretzels, nuts, candies, and bread. I have pregnancy as a fall back- but I'm pretty sure it's a food belly.


Karlenn said...

I LOVE YOUR HEADER!!!! Love it, love it, love it!!! And I love your change of heart and mind. It's true - you run your life. No one else. You will be the best mother ever. And, um, as you know, my pants won't fit anymore, either, and I'm like more than a month behind you. I'm blaming it on the pregnancy, but I know the truth. Though today I jogged and felt like there was a hard ball bouncing inside of me. That was weird. Dang uterus. It knows just what to do. It found out I was pregnant and BAM!!! It exploded.

Lyner said...

I don't know what your header is from. But this was a great post. I liked reading your change of heart and mind. You are awesome!