Monday, February 21, 2011

A Shut In

For a majority of my life- actually scratch that- for ALL my life up to the last 7 months I have enjoyed being on the run.  I like to go and do and be.  I have felt guilty for not working and contributing to... our gross domestic product.  I'm a moneymaker.  Staying home has always been boring to me.
Home is a trap. 
The fun is everywhere else.  I am one who must find the fun.  Occasionally that fun is in the Macy's Shoe Department.  Or on a rack at Ross.  Or on my bike.
But lately- I have felt really really super anxious about going out anywhere.  I would get antsy.  Antsy is too mild a word. I'd get sweaty.  If I have one thing to do that day (even something "fun" like visit Tori) I would fret and fret and fret about it.  For the full 24 hours before I had to go.  Hello, My Name is Lunatic-Lady.  I just get too nervous.  I don't even know what I am nervous about.  Any location, any activity outside the home is daunting to me.  Maybe it's the Graves. 

Anyway I told myself to quit the self torture and just stay home.  Just be.
I thought it would be harder.

I would like to announce I am now a recluse.
A modern day Greta Garbo... or Lauryn Hill.  Out of the public eye.  Away from the paparazzi.

So say your last goodbyes.

I love it.  I get the baby up and we read and stay in our jammers until noon or so.  Then the baby gets dressed but I stay braless and in my sweats and glasses.  Kole naps and I read my book.  I eat good meals that I can make by myself now.  And it is more relaxing.  I hide when someone comes to my door.  I turn my phone off des temps en temps. I am indoors.  Yesterday we did take a walk around the greenbelt.  Come on!  It was like 45 degrees out.  I had to.  But then straight back inside.  Deadbolt on.  I'm not going out.  Nobody is coming in.  My neighbors are going to tell tales about the young jaded housewife who was so vibrant and on the go... who is no more.  I haven't bolted the blinds shut yet... but the thought has crossed my mind.  Maybe just the front ones.


Julia said...

Ahhh, this is an actual problem for me. I have mega-anxiety. For instance, remember last night when I called you an hour and a half after you called me just to check on Kole. Every little thing like that makes me anxious. We have been planning on going to our friends' for dinner tonight for two days and I have been anxious ever since! I try to talk myself out of going anywhere. I know this is a problem. I just don't know what to do to fix it.

Poulsen Family said...

Man, I go stir crazy in my house.

Just this morning I thought, where could I go today? I was sad to think I don't need to go anywhere and it's snowing so I just need to stay put.