Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Manual

People are always telling me there are no manuals for children.  What I can't figure out it why there isn't a manual.  Everyone wants one.  There is a huge demand.  Colossal demand!  There's the What to Expect books.  The only useful one was "... When You're Expecting" and even that- I think it is more exciting than useful.  I mean second time around- I don't think I'll even look at it.  And I would ADD some things.  Like you will KNOW when you are in labor.  If you think you "might be"... you're not.  Or if your feet swelled up when you were pregnant they won't go back as soon as you deliver.  In fact, nothing goes right back.  And the feet go last. 
So, my sister and I have been tossing around the idea of writing A Manual.  I think it would sky rocket.  But the more we talk the more we realize our kiddos are different.  What works for Ms. Greta is a joke to Mr. Koleson.  What works for Koler the Roller is a disaster for Greta the Great.   Perhaps, I have thought, all children are different.  Ah Ha! That's why there is no "Manual."  But I think I could write one for Kole.  It would sell one copy.  Ken would buy it to make me feel good.  Who else would need it?  But I like thinking up parts of it anyway.

Kole loves to grab noses, ears, hair, fingers, and clothes.
Kole loves to sleep but he hates going to bed.  Napping on a schedule will happen loosely.  Don't expect it to be every hour and a half to two hours.  He won't be tired and will put up his dukes and fight you to stay up.  Kole will give you signs.  Flag signals, smoke signs, greeting cards, facebook status, email, text, post its.  He rubs his eyes when he is tired.  He will look like a chipmunk who is sad because he can't find any nuts to eat.  He will also not want to play on the floor anymore.  The Master likes to be in his pajamas for his first nap of the day.  The best thing to do is hold him and hum while you close all the blinds in his room and turn off the light.  He'll clap for you maybe 3 claps?  And then really dig into your shoulder.  He'll try to rub his eyes on your shoulder.  Then, then you're golden.  Lay him in his cribby and place your hand on his chest for a few seconds.  Tell him you love him and say goodnight.  He will let out a shrill scream.  In 20 seconds he'll be asleep.  Naps.  Bed.  All the same gig.

Kole is a big kid.  He needs more than one itsy bitsy container of baby food to fill his vast mass.   If his mouth is open that means more food.  Don't be surprised if he eats for 30-45 minutes.  He likes his food fast.  He was used to a constant flow.  If you feed him too slowly he will let you know by pounding incessantly on his highchair and grunting.  The child does get a little snacky before and after a meal.  (Inherits that from his madre) I think of it as an appetizer and a dessert.  Baby MumMums do the trick.   Kole will stop eating when he is full.  But that doesn't mean he will stop putting things in his mouth.

Kole likes variety and entertainment in his playtime routine.  The most important playtime rule is don't overdo it.  Kole is very sensitive and likes things to go smooth and easy.  If we just read a book don't move right into throwing him up the air.  (You'll throw you're back out.)  Go from book to patty cake to dancing around to rough housing.  Be especially gentle and soft when he first wakes up.  Every time he wakes up it's like a bear coming out of hibernation.  Very sleepy, very stiff, a little weary, hungrier than ever, and not really ready for a lot of interaction.  Nothing big for the first half hour or so.  Maybe then give him a piece of paper, a paper plate, a magazine, old mail, bank statements, piano music, a book you won't miss, a stack of coupons, anything that crinkles.  That seems to take the edge off and get him in the mood for some real fun.

Kole cries from time to time.  Sometimes it means "I am hungry and need nourishment."  Sometimes it means, "Mama, pick me up!" Sometimes it means "I don't want to get in the car".  Sometimes it means, "I am really quite tired.  I'd like to take a rest."  Sometimes it means, "Where the heck is my mom?!  Who are you?!"  Sometimes it means "This onesie is too tight!  Let me out!"  His cries are pretty straightforward.  You can tell if it's a mad as hell cry or needy helpless cry.  As far as what to do when the crying starts?  Just give him back to me.  That works 100% of the time.

I think it'd be fun to write a manual for each of my kids.  Having only one right now I ought to get started while the task is small.

Other Factoids about the Kolester:
Talks in his sleep
Enjoys being applauded
Will always face the sun even if it's in his eyes and he has to squint
Is a closet-splasher
Has the Poulsen Sinus Curse
Sings along when I play piano


Julia said...

NY Times Bestseller....I can feeeeeel it. And make sure you make at least 2 copies--I want one too!

Karlenn said...

What a babe. Sings while you play piano? Talks in his sleep? Could he BE any cuter?? No.

Poulsen Family said...

Max talks in his sleep as well.

Cinderella, the A-Train and Our Little Caboose said...

It's amazing how we know our children, even better than we know ourselves sometimes!! :) He is too cute, and I love that he talks in his sleep.