All Before Noon

So you want to hear about my morning?
To fully understand and appreciate how ridiculous this morning was we need to start on Friday.  With the Big Cleaning.  Remember those non-interesting home buyers came to have a free look into my life and home.  Rude.  Anyway we didn't know at the time they were just spies for Nepal's government.  And all weekend me and Ken felt like "something is about to happen with our house."  Ken's been a big Dorothy Downer about selling our home- you know like- "It's never going to happen" or "We'll have to sell it for a couple nickels and a piece of gum."  Just not that optimistic.  But, miraculously, over the weekend there was a new light within him.  Sign!  Monday we found out that these buyers were a no-go and I had a little chit chat with my realtor.  The following list of what I said will give you the gist of what I said:

You need to find me a buyer.
An interested buyer.
We've been listed with you since Christmas.
It's Easter.
You need to call me.
You've been blowing smoke for a long time.
Get to work.
Show my house today.
I'm serious.

Sometimes I am really quite gifted in saying mean or harsh things in a loving manner so no one is offended.  Then again, sometimes I am pretty point blank.  I think my little missy understood.  And although I didn't expect immediate results- she called in an hour with "an interested buyer."  She told me he's an investment buyer and loves my neighborhood.  Well done, Janny.  (<--Her name is Janet.  But when me and Ken are talking about the house we always refer to her as Janny.  Helps the camaraderie.)  She said he wanted to come at 3 o'clock.  It was ten to two.  Yikes!  (Bikes.  Mr. Colson rocks my world.)  All the major things were still done from Friday- but things like swiffering and the dishwasher and cleaning the glass and sweeping the steps and fixing the beds and doing something with the dirty clothes and taking all the garbages out and staging everything... made me a little anxious.  Could I finish it all?  Did I have a choice?  Luckily, Kole was in a fantastic mood and found it quite comical to see me running around.  (Do I run funny or something....) We pulled it off.  They came and stayed for a full hour!  Did you read that with the exclamation point at the end?  Which is a good sign.  I think.  Definitely some interest right?  I waited to hear from Janny. Nothing.  I called her at like 8.  She said he really liked my house and she was pushing really hard for it and was going to call him and see if he wanted to see it again.  What else is there to see after you were there for an hour?  I can leave my journals on the table for you, heck.  But we were going somewhere.  Janny called back about twenty minutes later and said that they were going to come Tuesdays in between 11:30 and 12:30.  I refer to that time of day as "Kole's Naptime."  The sleepy little bugger would have to sleep in the car.  The house was ready.  They came and stayed until 1:30.  2 hours!  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Did they put in a DVD?  Should I have popped some popcorn?  I was perplexed by the amount of time this man was spending in my house but really happy.  He must really like it.  I didn't hear from my realtor all day.  No surprise.  I called her at 8 and she said that she had spent the whole day with him and was so exhausted and yadda yadda yadda.  What's the scoop, Janny?  She said he was preparing to make an offer but wanted to go home and look things over one more time and she'd call me in the morning.  Which I translated to mean "Patty, Call me at noon, OK?"
Wow. 
Now- we're at this morning.
My phone rings at 8:00.  I am still in bed.  (Kole normally sleeps until quarter after.)  It's Janet.  My heart races "An offer?  This early?  Sa-Weet!" Not quite.  Janny said that he wanted to see the house one more time and that they would be here in 15 or 20 minutes!  WHAT?!?!  I explained very calmly and sweetly that I have a baby.  Who is still asleep.  Who would need fed and changed.  I would need time to put things back in order.  I would need to get out of bed.  Kind and gently Janny Panny said she could stall and get me 25 minutes and pretty much hung up.  AGHHH!!! PANIC AT THE DISCO!  The next twenty minutes was a whirlwind.  But we got out of the house.  Kole was semi-cranky.  We drove over to Tautphaus Park and I nursed him there.  That homeless poor feeling came back.  So pathetic.  At 9:30 I figured it was safe to go home.  I pull unto my road and there are no cars in the driveway- good.  I go in and all the lights are on.  Bad.  When you show your house- you turn all the light son so the home looks bright and cheery.  When Realtors leave they turn all the lights off.  Both to save your electricity and I like to think of it as a secret code that means "We're all done here."  I text Janet.  Nope.  They hadn't come yet.  Well... good thing I ran out of the house braless this morning.  Me and Koley get back into the car.  Drive around.  At 9:45 I get a text that they got to the house.  Bravo!  They stayed until 11:30.  I have never heard of showings going on this long.  This time she called me with questions and concerns so I felt a little more involved and a little less like they were having a dance party.  Kole was good in the car which I applaud him for because he still had the sopping wet diaper on from the night before and there's not THAT much you can do in the car.  (I forgot the diaper bag.)  When she called and said they left and were heading back to the office I was so relieved.  I get home and guess what?  I WAS LOCKED OUT!  I mean, obviously, the front door was locked.  But I always keep the door the door that goes from the garage to the house open and this morning I left the back door that goes to the back yard unlocked- because I just had a feeling.  Well, these GD people shut her up like Fort Knox.  I called Janet- no answer.  I called her assistant- no answer.  I called Ken- he wondered why I called him.  I called the realtor's office building- voice mail.  I really didn't want to pay a locksmith to get in.  Waited 3 minutes called everyone (but Ken) again.  No answers.  So, just picture it.  Me in gray sweats, a stained t-shirt, no bra, flip flops, glasses, un-showered, unbrushed teeth standing in the driveway with Koley in his jammies that were pretty cold and wet around the diaper area.  So sorry, Koley.  So so sorry.  After about 20 minutes Janet's assistant called my back and said she'd be right over to let me in and apologized over and over.  She came at about 12:30- gave us some funny looks as if to say "Why are you in your pajamas in the middle of the day?" and "Where is your bra, lady?"  But she did open the door.

Yeah.  Rough morning.
He better stinking buy my house.
And if he doesn't- Janny better give me a gift card to the Outback for all my troubles.