Have a Laugh at My Expense

I seriously hit the jackpot with Ken.  I mean seriously.
When we were younger and ready to date my mom told my sisters and I that we had to date 100 boys before we got married.  We didn't have to seriously date 100.  More like just go on at least one date.  To see what we liked and didn't like.  Wanted and did not want.  Ken was somewhere in the 80s.  Anyway- I was going through the old journals again.  I was dying laughing.  They KILL me!  I (naturally) recorded my feelings and thoughts about some of these boys I went out with.  Man.  I was so lost.  We're talking off the grid lost.  It's fun.  nee. 

June 8, 2000

"I guess ________ doesn't like me.  And when I think about it I haven't liked him for about 6 months or so.  Since about Halloween time I guess.  I was over his house one day and _____ was there and I could tell he liked her even though he always told me he didn't.  But he does and I think she likes him too.  So it's a good thing I don't like him at all."

Notes:  I'm sorry!  It's okay- you don't have to hold in your laughter.  I mean you can read through that lie in a second.  Kudos to younger Patty for trying to sound tough.

April 16, 2003
He's great- everything about him is great. Except he criticizes me.  A lot.  But I don't mind because I know he loves me.

Notes:  Everything is great EXCEPT.  If everything was great there would be no except.  And criticizing is a huge "except."  And I even said "a lot."  I mean you can picture my shoulders dropping and me trying to avoid eye contact.  Ridiculous!

April 23, 2003
We were walking into Broulim's and I was walking close to him and he says "What are you walking so close for?" I told him I wanted to be close to him.  He give me this look and says "Not in public."  He's just too fun.  He knows exactly what I want and he refuses to give it to me.  Oh I love him.

Notes:  If you use the dates as a reference- this is the same guy.   Laugh.  Let it out.  I sure am.  I "loved" him for pushing me away in public.  Winner.


June 6, 2004
I called _______.  He was at a BBQ (in really cute shorts I bet.)  I was asked to call him back before bed.  He didn't answer. We were probably dialing each others numbers at the exact same time.

Notes:  Yeah, Patty.  I bet that's exactly why you didn't get through.

October 28, 2004
I have been thinking about _______ and knew that is worth documenting.  I told ____ about it and he said ______ means "the pretty"- and it applies!  I called him today because I wanted to see him so badly.  It was CRAZY! I just think of us as an "us" all the time!  I'm going to make something happen.  I love feeling this way!


Notes:  Calm down, Patty.  Put the phone down.  Be patient.  There is a reason he wasn't calling you.  Probably because you are a little crazy and stalker-y


When I read these- I laugh.  I also feel bad.  I want to help little floundering Patty.  Tell her to respect and trust herself more.  Tell her she doesn't need a man in her life when she is 16, 17, 18, or 19.  I always think "Why did I do that?"  or "I can't believe I acted that way." or even better yet "I can't believe I put up with that."
I feel like I am too strong of a woman now for all that absurdity.  But I realize the key word is "now."  I am too strong a woman now.  I know how to stand up for myself and when to fight and when to let it go and how to trust and how to love openly.  But maybe I wouldn't have known all that without being such a silly girl once.  I'm proud of the improvements I have made in my life.  The growth I've been through.  It's rewarding.  It's given me a beautiful family.

July 16, 2010
The baby's due date it tomorrow.  Crazy.  Crazy how happy I am.  I have officially retired.  I'm a "kept" women as Ken calls it.  My last day was June 28th.  Still no baby- but so much happiness and relief- and very little stress.  I love being in charge of a home and feeling in charge of my life.  This, right now, is the ultimate peak of happiness.  All my struggles, fears, heartaches were worth it.  Every prayer has been answered.