Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A Pitiful Cry For Help

Kole's been normal today.  Which is... nice.  Hey, cut me some slack, I am as emotionally stretched out as I have ever been.  "Nice" is the best I can come up with.

While we're talking about emotions let's get this Postpartum Depression thing out on the table.

It was awful with Kole.   You all remember.  I avoided your calls.  And the door.  And the mirror.  And my life.  For a really long time.  I couldn't snap out of things.  Or get into anything.  It's the weirdest, most disconnected feeling in the world.  It's like being a living dead person.  And not in the cool zombie way.  (If you think zombies are cool... which I don't... but some people do.)  You just feel like you are floating in gray water and no one can see that you are face down.

With the new baby coming on Monday, the thought has crossed my mind,  "What if it comes back?"  I don't really have an answer... just Yeah.  What if?  I've been reading articles and studies about it and I'm supposed to set up a support group ahead of time.  Which sounds so cheesy and lame and like a pitiful cry for help.

But, honestly.  I think that's what I need.  I need people to call me.  E-mail me.  Try to contact me.  Heck, pray to your God for me.  And then... could you not be offended when I avoid your calls because my throat is too tight to say anything?  Just leave a voicemail.  I'll listen to it.  It'll make me feel like me.  Send me an e-mail with some LOLcats or something.  Maybe I'll think LOLcats are funnier then.  (Because I don't think they're all THAT great now.)

I just need to know I am thought about.  That someone out there cares.  That I crossed your mind.  And that babies are wonderful and cute and cuddly.
Even though I might disagree with you at the moment.
Even though I might not be able to respond (or at least respond truthfully) to what is going on.
Even though I might not be able to say how I am feeling.

And keep in mind.  This is precautionary.  I might be just fine.  I might swing right into this new baby with joy and bliss and excitement.  Which is how I am feeling about him today.

Excited. 

5 Days!

8 comments:

megan said...

Postpartum depression isn't fun. It's even less fun when you are still depressed and on meds 6 years after having your baby....Yeah, being mom is FUN!!:)

It's a good idea to tell people to keep up with you before the baby comes and the depression hits!! This time around might be pleasantly different though. I hope it is for you!!

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time with Kole. It just comes with the territory. I really can't say much more for that. It sounds like Tinian is at the same stage as him, screaming non stop. It sucks, but honestly, he'll get over it and you'll get through it.

Good luck with the new baby!! I'm excited for you!! I can't wait to see pictures of him!! I'm passing through Utah in a month, could we meet up? I have something I want to give you:) I'll email you. (Ok, sorry, this comment was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be.)

Juli said...

I had it bad with Oldest... with Youngest I actually considered which tree to hang myself from that the kids could not see, yet someone would find me before I would decay.

So yeah... I get it.

My mom came over everyday. Weather I wanted her to or not. And the hospital was told (by me) that I had PPD the first go around, so they sent precautionary nurses out to the house for a month afterwards. However, I will say that KNOWING what it was the second time around helped pull me out of it. I would tell myself things like, this is not rational, and I need to answer the door/phone/ pick up the mail/put on clothes. Mine was impacted by their only being 6 months apart as well though. The hormone swing was BAD nursing two... in the end, I did a trial run of some mood medicines, and eventually weened myself off to the (semi) rational postal person that we all know and love. :)

But in an answer to your question... YES... I am an awesome stalker, and will not stop even when you tell me to. :)

DoublClik said...

I will be on full cheerleader duty! Love you

ejwforeman said...

I don't know you, which you obviously already know. However, I really love your blog and your honesty! You've already made the first step, which is tough.. so good for you!! Good luck!!!!

Joshua said...

Having been on the viewing end of PPD a few times, you have my energies headed your way. Now I'm just wondering if I can schedule emails to you from Hootsuite or something? Something that hits you every few hours and makes you pee your pants. Oh...wait...

In all seriousness, good energies and thoughts headed your way.

Brett and Tiffany said...

I will call you! This one may be completely different. After having 4, I can say not ONE of them was the same! You will do great! Can't wait to see the cute little man!

Lynn Proctor said...

here's hoping and praying you are fine this time <3

Juli said...

HELLO! I have lost track of the days.... hope everything went well and your absence is due to more testosterone in your house. :)

Thinking of you.... and hoping you get some sleep...