Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Kerrrr-ACK!

Kole's 5, going on 6, months old right now.  That means for the last 5, going on 6 months, I've been worried about running the perfect life.  I've seen people do it or at least make it look like their doing it and I've though "Am I supposed to do that?"   I've put this ridiculous amount of stress on myself.  I've given it a name.  The Stress-Monger.  The stress-monger consisted of feeling like the house had to be spotless.  Trying to get Kole to sleep through the night.    Taking over the cooking.  Losing weight.  Giving service.  Fulfilling my calling.  Enhancing personal relationships.  Reading new books.  Teaching Kole- everything!  Keeping the hamper empty.   Writing blogs.  It was getting out of hand.  I felt like since I'm no longer financially contributing to our family I need to do everything else and do it perfectly and do it smiling.  I've never been that person before. I felt it all slipping away bit by bit. And then last night... it imploded.  Or exploded.  Or summited.  Or reared.  Something.
I got sick.
It's happened before.  When I hold Kole too much it hurts my back.  Yesterday a woman came to photograph our home for a new listing.  She was here for 40 minutes and I held Kole that whole time since we were going room to room.  I can't hold him for any extended period of time.  He's just too much weight.  (Not in a bad way Koley-Flower.  Mommy loves you.  You're my man.)  Last night my back hurt so bad it made me have to throw up.  I was laying awake in bed.  In pain.  In between puke sessions.  Listening to the stress-monger yell at me.  I was going though all this in my head and trying to rationalize everything.  I was mentally beating myself up.  It's been a routine thing.  I know.  Sadist.  It was 3:30 am.  I still hadn't gone to sleep.  I was still in crippling pain.  I decided to take a shower.  I was getting in the shower and said "Kole's going to be up in no time."  My normal response would have been something like "You didn't get any sleep." or "You wasted all night staring at the clock and complaining about your back." or "You should have taken a shower hours ago. Maybe then you could have slept."  I was deflated.  Beaten down.  Exhausted.  And then.....*cue pillar of light*  my self told myself, "So?"  I quit moving.  It was like someone else was talking.  "So what if Kole's going to get up soon.  You can still sleep for a bit.  Just take naps with him tomorrow.  Your back won't hurt as bad then."  And you know what? I smiled.  I don't know where that voice came from but I like her!  And I've listened to her all day today!  She can be a little sassy.  Get a little out of hand.  Get a little TOO relaxed if you know what I mean.  Like today- I had eaten a couple cookies already and she told me it would be fine to eat a few more.  She hasn't lead me wrong yet.
I'm feeling good. 
I've got a great life.  It's not picturesque.  I don't have any cool projects going on right now.  I don't have anything funny to talk about.  I haven't been extremely or even average-ly creative recently.  I weigh 167 pounds.  I eat a ton of food.  I'm tired a lot.  Me and Ken disagree on things.  I don't call my friends when I know I should. Kole wakes up and cries at night and during naps and sometimes just because he hasn't cried yet that day. It's not Pleasantville or Happy Town all day every day.

But...So?

4 comments:

megan said...

It's so hard being a mom and taking care of everybody and everything! I hope you keep listening to "her"!! You need a break! Enjoy life right now. The time goes by so fast!

Chris+Jules said...

I agree with Megan about the time going so fast. Chris and I were just looking longingly at Kole this past weekend because we miss that age so much! We have definitely had lots of sleep problems over here and every one kept telling me (well SOME people kept telling me) the sleeping will go in phases. And it sure has. She was a rockstar sleeper when she was new and then we had about 4 months of TERRIBLE sleeping and now she'll sleep 13 hours no problem. I had many break down moments and lots of ah-ha moments and then I make break down again. And then I realized if I make time for a project a day then I FEEL better--like I did something other than be in my pajamas and nurse allllll ddaaaayyyy lonnnnggggg. So that's why I do a project, not to prove that I'm an all-start, because I'm not. At all. I hope you don't think that I have everything in order AND can do a cutesy thing on top of all that. Sometimes I forgo the laundry so I can rearrange some furniture or something that will give me a lift. This is getting long--Love you and KOLE AND KEN! I can't wait for us to live closer.

~Kayla~ said...

I LOVE YOU!

Karlenn said...

Ah, Pats, being a mom is SO HARD. I thought it would be a cakewalk, but no way. It's the hardest thing I've done. And I think Satan's biggest tool is to make us moms think that we're not doing a good enough job. I need to take the "so?" approach more often. You inspire me so much. Being your friend has been so good for me. You may not think so, but you've taught me "so?" in a lot of really great ways.