Conversations (Part 2 of 3)

I had some calls and chats about the last post.  Let's say there was some speculation regarding it's validity.  I admit that I don't remember everything word for word.  I might use a exclamation point when during the situation a period probably would have sufficed.  Maybe I replace a "May I" with a "Can I." But, I don't add any of the meatiness.  For instance, I did tell that woman I got my Masters in '09.  I did accuse her of not liking me.  She was that nutso.  These things really happen to me!

Here's another one.

Part Two

"Fixing My Internet"
or
"Let Me Ask You a Personal Question."

You've all heard me complain that my internet is the slowest.  Period.  Just the slowest ever.  I have been trying to get a hold of my provider for about a month now.  There's a power bar that pops up whenever I go online.  It goes from 0-100 in increments of 20 to show you how good your connection is.  I surf at a 20.  Which is really sinking.  After a month (Ken will vouch for that) of not getting my calls answered I decided to go into my local branch office.  (Maybe staying home isn't such a great idea for me.... I end up going places.)  I went in and told the girl there what the problem was.  She was helpful and put a message out to the tech team, while I stood there, and told me they would be calling either that night or first thing in the morning.  I felt accomplished.  Finally, some action.  And, I daydreamed that in 24 I would be able to actually get online, check my e-mail, REPLY  to an e-mail, leave comments on the blogs I read.  Ask Jules-a-bug-Stinkweeder... I was sending her two e-mails this morning. I sent one and while I was trying to get back to my inbox to send the other one she called and said she only got one.  Yeah.  Like 10 minutes had passed.  It's a crap hole/shoot/pile of.  So.  No call that night.  No call all the next day.  But that NIGHT at about six (?) they called me. 
His name was TJ.  Which was the name of my high school.  Thomas Jefferson (Touch Daaaauwn Jag-aurs!)  It connected us.  Now, TJ didn't know he sported the name of my first Alma mater and that I instantly liked him for that reason (I'm a labeler) so he was going to put on his best customer service costume and dance the night away.  TJ kind of talked like Barney the Dinosaur.  Real... cheesy.  Real... up and down.  Like, "Let's go out and PLAY today."  Can you hear it?  That's TJ.

TJ:  Hello, this is TJ, I am calling in response to the claim you placed regarding your internet service.
(Can you hear how his voice goes up and down realy sugary?)
P:  Oh, good!
TJ:  I represent the company, ___________, (name protected) and it is our number one goal to make sure you are satisfied.
(I'm going to quit sizing my fonts to match his voice... it's taking too long with this slow interent.)
P:  Good.
TJ:  So, I'm looking at your report and it seems you are not satisfied.
P:  Yeah, it's really slow.  It has been since we got it.  It's frustrating.  I normally am at 20 on the power bar but sometimes I go to 40.
TJ:  Yes, I see.  Well?  When your internet is not working fast enough it can be frustrating.
P:  Yes.  I know.
TJ:  Well?  Patricia, Can I ask you a personal question?
P: (pause)  What kind of personal questions does he need to ask to fix my internet?  Sure.
TJ:  What do you use your interent for?
P: Well.... I have a blog and we have a new baby so we upload and download a lot of pictures and that takes forever.  We wanted to watch movies off Netflix but it's too slow.
TJ:  Okay!  Well, for those needs I think that a 2G connection would suffice.  Our 4G is really for people who are on the road and want to take the internet with them.
P:  Will it be faster?  Or at least work? Is this a sales pitch or an IT call?
TJ:  It will more than exceed your expectations!  I am sure of that.  While, I've got you on the line, can I ask you a personal question?
P:  Yessss.
TJ:  How often do you use your computer?
P:  Everyday.
TJ:  Everyday?  Okay.  Can I ask you are personal question?
P: You can.
TJ:  Do you have a laptop or a PC?
P:  I have a laptop.
TJ:  A laptop.  Okay.  Well, let me ask you a personal question.  Do you think your service could be faster?
P:  Why, yes I do! That's why I called.
TJ:  Ok, well to figure this out, let me ask you a personal question.  Do you use your computer in the basement?
P:  No.  There's no signal down there.
TJ:  Okay.  That's good.  Sometimes we get calls and it's not working but they are in the basement and, you are right, there aren't good signals in the basement.  So, let's move on!  Here's a personal question: Are you home right now?
P:  That's the first "personal question" that is semi-personal  No.  I'm not right now.
TJ:  Well, when you get home, here is what I want you to do.  Take your laptop and go to the highest place in your house.  You should have a better signal there and your internet will be faster.
P:  Are you KIDDING me?!  That's your technical support?  Go to the highest place?  Sit on the roof and hope for a better signal? TJ?  I have tried to get a signal in every room of my house.  It's just not working.
TJ:  Patrica, we like to resolve as many conflicts as we can over the phone.  I need you to try this method.  I believe it will solve our problem.
P:  What if it doesn't.
TJ:  Then we will do our utmost to ensure you are 100% satisfied with your service.
P:  Okay thanks.
TJ:  You are welcome.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?
P:  I think I have to go to the highest spot on my house first.
TJ:  Yes!  That will work!  Have a nice evening Patricia.

Here's what gets me.  All the personal questions!  He could have just asked those basic questions and we could have zoomed through the conversation that lead nowhere.  Nowhere!  Go to the highest spot on your house!  That's how to get better service!?  I know a lot of people who have internet and none of them are sitting in their attics trying to downloads videos off YouTube.  I also noticed that my voice started to mimic TJ's.  All that Barney, sappy, up and down.  It was cheery and kind of fun!  I do that a lot.  Copy the voice or tone of the person/stranger I am conversing with.Needless to say, I called the next day and told Jane at IT that TJ's advice didn't work.  She suggested trying a router.  I'm picking one up today.