Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"I'm gonna stay 18 forever...."

I really don't like Rexburg.  I haven't for a long time.  I think it's because I don't sit at "the cool table" where everyone else there sits.  And all the people at the cool table look at me and judge me because I pack my lunch and it only has 3 things in it.  I think my harsh feelings stem from the university there.  That university where I was told to "leave and never return."  What's it called?  Oh yeah.  BYU-I.  I don't even like that name.  The "I."  Ugh.  Is it so hard to say "Idaho?"  No one calls the other BYUs BYU-P and BYU-H.  But BYU-I is just so cool an trendy.  Barf.  Barf all over that school.
Last night I was heading up there to see my parents. (their house is the only place I do like in Rexburg) I was harboring all these resentful, hateful feelings inside of me just like I do every time I drive up there. I thought to myself, "Why are you doing this?  It's just a town.  What is bothering you so much?"  I didn't know.  But, since I was a little early and Kole-Money was sleeping I decided to drive around the town and try to feel something nice towards Rexburg.  Something maybe a little less hostile.  So I started my tour.  I started remembering a lot about being there as a student.  That girl I was at Colonial House #606.  I wore huge hoop earrings and was totally "in love" with a man 5 years my elder who had absolutely no long term intentions with me.  Love is ______ when you are 17.  It  was so easy to completely devote myself to the idea of being with him.  Eternally.  Pa.  Lease.  Then I drove by Aspen Chalet and thought of the man I was "in love" with that lived there.  Everything seemed so much the same.  It seemed like the same cars were parked in the parking lot.  The same boys were riding the same bikes.  It was the same temperature and the sky was overcast just how I remembered it being almost 10 years ago.   I felt my little teenager heart beating inside my chest.  I drove past the Ridge and thought of the summer I skipped every morning class to go swimming with Tori.  And I laughed when I remembered I only had morning classes and didn't have a swimsuit.  I did have a matching bra and undie set that I wore as if it were a bikini.  No one Every one knew.  When I drove through campus I remembered classes and professors and this one geology class I took.  Ha.  As part of the class we had to hike this mountain (it was more like steep hill) on a Saturday morning to observe the geological formations in the valley.  I sat next to this totally cute kid and we flirted on the hike and we totally made out the whole way home.  On the BUS!  At BYU-I!  Nothing bad just kissing.  But- Ha!  What the heck, Patty.  What were you thinking?  What was his name?  Anyway- the more I drove around the harder I laughed.  I kept thinking of these silly memories. What a coot I was.  When I got to my mom's house I felt like that girl from 2002.  The know-it-all- in-your-face girl.  Young.  Reckless.  Slightly lost.  Borderline bad but with just enough good. I felt that way all night.  And the whole way home.  I just felt like doing something crazy.  I felt like Patty Bradley.  It was a surreal feeling.  When I got home I put Kole to bed and went into the bathroom.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and surprised myself.
I saw a strong and confident woman.  A woman who is grounded and loyal and faithful.  She is patient and tolerant.  She looked safe and prepared.  She is at peace and full of will.  She is a woman who loves and respects herself.  I smiled thought:
I am that woman in the mirror.  It's amazing that I had to change so much to be... me.

7 comments:

megan said...

I remember that Patty!!! You were always running a hundred miles an hour. It's good to remember what you used to be like, but who you are now is wonderful!! You have grown a lot since I last saw you in college:)

Lyner said...

Hey next time you have free time in Rexburg, call me. Well actually I am moving the beginning of April. haha I look up to you, Patty. You are a very confident woman and I hope someday I can be like that!

Chris loves Julia said...

...the title sucked me in. Definitely something I still love from when I was 18--Brand New. (and you of course)

Cinderella, the A-Train and Our Little Caboose said...

Oh how I love this post...not only because it made me laugh, but because I have many of the same feeling from when I went there (when it was, you know, RICKS college). eesh. Anyway, aside from the bra and panty trick (nice Patty, nice)...it's hard not to have those feelings when I visit Rexburg. Then I leave, and remember how...just like high school...I don't ever want to go back. Not necessarily to the place, but I don't want to go back to being that person either. She was great, but not the person I am now.

Loved the post!!

Brett and Tiffany said...

That was a fun post! So true...funny to look back and remember what we were like, but so true...we had to be that person to become this one! You truly love who you are and that is a great thing! I hope you like driving to Egin and don't get resentful feelings coming up to my house! I love the Patty I know! I didn't know you then, but I sure love you now!

Karlenn said...

Hahaha! I love the little rebel in you, Pats. Bra and panties? Hilarious. If we had known each other in college, we would have been friends then, too. For sure. Some of my favorite people are "borderline bad but with a lot of good." My dear friend that I grew up with was like that, and I loved it. She has totally changed, and I kind of miss it. Now she talks about Relief Society and making cupcakes and stuff. And I'm like, "Who ARE you?" I'm glad you drove around and got some good vibes. And I adore who you are now. Obviously. But I still like the teeny bit of bad inside you. It makes you real. If you start talking about cupcakes, I would be sad. :)

Harrigfeld said...

So fun!! Lets do that together one day! They really were some fun times- and you know it:)