Monday, March 21, 2011

My Serpentine

Lately I have been feeling really really good about myself.  Since about the time I purchased my jeggings.  I've felt myself coming out of the loser cave.  The tulips are coming out of the ground, I've got some jeggings, I'm cool, I'm feeling good and looking good. Now.  I have an extremely strong sense of self.  (Have I not made that obvious enough?)  I know who I am and I have a deep love for my body. Especially after having Koley. I am so proud of what my body can accomplish.  I never ride myself with guilt about weight.  I believe it is a number and nothing more.  What really has mattered to me is how I think I look and how I feel.  So.  When I get all dolled up and look in the mirror the following phrases escape my perfect lips:
"Damn girl!  You look fiiiiiine!"
"Work it babe."
"La-hove that top."
"You look spectacular."
I give myself so many compliments that I don't need or expect them from other people. 
Some may call it conceited I call it confidence.
However, this weekend I saw a home video of myself.  A very recent one.  And the following phrases crossed my mind:
"I have never seen myself at that angle."
"Is that a double chin?  No...wait.  Three chins?"
"Uh. Oh."
"It's all been a lie."
Now.  The initial blow was shocking.  I lamented to Ken about how I couldn't believe I bought jeggings and have been wearing them!  And he didn't stop me!  He didn't think to say stick with overalls?!  Or to say "I love you sweets but you have like 3 or 4 rolls hanging over your jeans that look to be at least 2 sizes too small."  I guess (to rationalize) in my head I still have a crystal clear picture of my pregnant body.  When everything was so huge.  Chest, face, stomach, legs, and feet.  So when I see myself now I think that I look nothing like that pregnant lady who possessed my body.  In fact, after I had the Koley Cub I lost a ton of weight.  I went from 208 to 146 in no time and without doing anything but wearing sweats and crying my way through post pardum depression.  When I did finally put real clothes on to leave the house I remember thinking, "This is what it feels like to be skinny."  My pants were too big for me.  That had never happened to me.  I loved it.  And the confidence that I had stuck with me even as the pounds found their way back onto my thighs, face, and stomach.  I was so delusional. 
Last night I told Ken to take a good long hard look at me because next weekend he would probably notice some changes and might not even recognize me.  There was a new wind blowing.  This morning I had a bowl of granola instead of my normal donut or danish that I would accompany with hot chocolate.  Step one accomplished.  Do I still like me?  Yes.  I love me.  I love who I am and how I present myself.  But the rose colored classes are off.  I ran on the treadmill while Koley took his nappy and I'm a little sore.  I may have pushed myself a little hard this morning.  But when you put on Appetite for Destruction by Guns N Roses it's hard NOT to over do it.
Welcome to the Jungle Baby.


vicks27 said...

I think you're beautiful, but the way you are. And I think real women, with real curves and real confidence, are gorgeous. Embrace and accentuate your "rolls." Keep those self compliments coming. If you opt for granola, make it because you're craving granola. And one the days when you run your heart out, do it because you've got a great playlist and you want to prove to yourself what those powerhouse legs can do. I might wear rose-colored glasses, but they're etched "Tom Ford." Because I'm fabulous.

Anonymous said...

You're confidence has always been one of the things I envy about you!! I think it's great that you like who you are no matter your weight. I need to get to that point.

George and Ginger said...

You look great all the time - love you! mom

DoublClik said...

I liked the conceited vs. confidence bit, sometimes I even throw a Joey "how ya doin" head nod in at the end before I step out of the mirror shot

Karlenn said...

Welcome to the Jungle... Hahaha! That was the title of my 7th grade yearbook, baby. I know what you mean - I get delusional, too. And then someone mistakes me for someone who I thought was way huger than me, and I'm like, oh. But Pats, don't let it affect you. Work out for your heart, and for the endorphins. And let the weight fall where it may. You have always been my inspiration on body image - don't let the home video wreck it. Keep wearing those jeggings. I think you look really great in them.