Thursday, June 30, 2011

Patty Published?

A couple weeks ago I was approached by a publisher to write (or submit) something for a new book coming out.  I was flattered.  Me?  Moi?  Really?  Oh stop.  I'm blushing! 
It's a local publisher and I'm sure there will be book signings at like Hastings but... AGHHHHH!  YIPPEEEEE!
I just submitted two pieces I have been working for awhile on.
I won't hear anything until July 15th....and I probably wont' even make it through round one of rejections but....

I'm pretty sure my heart is going to implode before July 15th.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Whittler

Do you know after you have dessert and it was oh so good and you don't want another FULL piece because then you are a porky hog.... but you would like a little more?  So you take the knife just sliver a piece off.  It's really just icing anyway.  And since that was so good and everyone is still talking you figure it's safe to take one more skinnyskinny piece.  And you sit there for a minute thinking you are satisfied.... but you go back in for a skinnyskinnyskinny piece. The cycle continues until the pan is empty and the knife and spatula have been licked clean.  If you engage in this activity you are a "Whittler."  You just whittle away at it bit by bit and no one notices (maybe you sneak into the fridge in the middle of the night) and then BOOM!  it's all gone.
Some people look down upon or even tease Whittlers.
But I think it's an excellent habit to bring into every area of life.
Today I did some much needed whittling.  It wasn't a Edwards Key Lime Pie.  I would have devoured that in one gulp today.  I whittled the pictures on my camera.  I was taking blurry pictures of Koley- that's all I can take these days- and started playing with the features.  In the top corner it said 388/797.  797?  What's that number mean?  Is that how many pictures I have on here?  No I don't. GASP. Ohhhh. Yes I do. 

So I went through and deleted all the blurry ones, the almost duplicates, and the ones where I can't see Kole's  face.   I learned this trick from my sister Andi.  She's a professional and I guess I'm a sentimentalist.  But the truth is what am I going to do with nearly 800 bad pictures.  I thumb through all of them and give them all value and say they were priceless.  They aren't.  They are poorly taken.  They aren't in focus.  They aren't even of the front of Koley.  (I think this problem started many years ago when I couldn't throw my stuffed bears on the floor because they had "feelings.")  Pictures don't have feelings.  I kept repeating that to myself as I whittled and whittled and then got the axe out.  I'm down to 186.  Yeah 75% of the pictures I deleted.  For. Ev. Ver.  But what's left are gorgeous, quality pictures that I want to save.  I think 181 are of Kole, 3 are of Ken, and 2 are of animals at the zoo.

Other things I've whittled lately:
1.  The frozen cookie dough in the freezer (sorry Kenmo)
2.  10 pounds of body fat. (Go Patty!)

Monday, June 27, 2011

My Boy is Now a Man

Likes being in nature.  All natural.
What a physique!

New Favorite Toy:  A Wrench.

Loves sitting by the sprinkler.  If it's running or not bears no weight.

Is planning an escape to freedom.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Have a Laugh at My Expense

I seriously hit the jackpot with Ken.  I mean seriously.
When we were younger and ready to date my mom told my sisters and I that we had to date 100 boys before we got married.  We didn't have to seriously date 100.  More like just go on at least one date.  To see what we liked and didn't like.  Wanted and did not want.  Ken was somewhere in the 80s.  Anyway- I was going through the old journals again.  I was dying laughing.  They KILL me!  I (naturally) recorded my feelings and thoughts about some of these boys I went out with.  Man.  I was so lost.  We're talking off the grid lost.  It's fun.  nee. 

June 8, 2000

"I guess ________ doesn't like me.  And when I think about it I haven't liked him for about 6 months or so.  Since about Halloween time I guess.  I was over his house one day and _____ was there and I could tell he liked her even though he always told me he didn't.  But he does and I think she likes him too.  So it's a good thing I don't like him at all."

Notes:  I'm sorry!  It's okay- you don't have to hold in your laughter.  I mean you can read through that lie in a second.  Kudos to younger Patty for trying to sound tough.

April 16, 2003
He's great- everything about him is great. Except he criticizes me.  A lot.  But I don't mind because I know he loves me.

Notes:  Everything is great EXCEPT.  If everything was great there would be no except.  And criticizing is a huge "except."  And I even said "a lot."  I mean you can picture my shoulders dropping and me trying to avoid eye contact.  Ridiculous!

April 23, 2003
We were walking into Broulim's and I was walking close to him and he says "What are you walking so close for?" I told him I wanted to be close to him.  He give me this look and says "Not in public."  He's just too fun.  He knows exactly what I want and he refuses to give it to me.  Oh I love him.

Notes:  If you use the dates as a reference- this is the same guy.   Laugh.  Let it out.  I sure am.  I "loved" him for pushing me away in public.  Winner.

June 6, 2004
I called _______.  He was at a BBQ (in really cute shorts I bet.)  I was asked to call him back before bed.  He didn't answer. We were probably dialing each others numbers at the exact same time.

Notes:  Yeah, Patty.  I bet that's exactly why you didn't get through.

October 28, 2004
I have been thinking about _______ and knew that is worth documenting.  I told ____ about it and he said ______ means "the pretty"- and it applies!  I called him today because I wanted to see him so badly.  It was CRAZY! I just think of us as an "us" all the time!  I'm going to make something happen.  I love feeling this way!

Notes:  Calm down, Patty.  Put the phone down.  Be patient.  There is a reason he wasn't calling you.  Probably because you are a little crazy and stalker-y

When I read these- I laugh.  I also feel bad.  I want to help little floundering Patty.  Tell her to respect and trust herself more.  Tell her she doesn't need a man in her life when she is 16, 17, 18, or 19.  I always think "Why did I do that?"  or "I can't believe I acted that way." or even better yet "I can't believe I put up with that."
I feel like I am too strong of a woman now for all that absurdity.  But I realize the key word is "now."  I am too strong a woman now.  I know how to stand up for myself and when to fight and when to let it go and how to trust and how to love openly.  But maybe I wouldn't have known all that without being such a silly girl once.  I'm proud of the improvements I have made in my life.  The growth I've been through.  It's rewarding.  It's given me a beautiful family.

July 16, 2010
The baby's due date it tomorrow.  Crazy.  Crazy how happy I am.  I have officially retired.  I'm a "kept" women as Ken calls it.  My last day was June 28th.  Still no baby- but so much happiness and relief- and very little stress.  I love being in charge of a home and feeling in charge of my life.  This, right now, is the ultimate peak of happiness.  All my struggles, fears, heartaches were worth it.  Every prayer has been answered.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Christmas Comes But Once A Year

That saying can be applied to any of the holidays.  I don't know why we use it exclusively for Christmas.
This Father's Day, for instance, felt like Christmas.
We bought a bike trailer for Father's Day!
Hip Hip!
Merry Father's Day?
Kenmo put it together Saturday night and Sunday we had our Maiden Voyage.  (Yes.  That's capitalized.  It's going to become a holiday.  The paper work has been filed.  You won't have to work on Maiden Voyage Day.)
It's orange and it's gray and it's magnificent.  It has a flag!  That's my favorite part.  I am going to decorate the flag really cool.  Some... how.  Ken suggested our family crest.  Which I would have to invent/design.
Koley loves it in there.  He likes the windows and the fresh air and seeing dogs on his level.  Kole loves dogs.  He says "dawd" and points (anywhere) when he hears one bark.  And if we are lucky enough to see one Kole will start clapping and bouncing and really show you some moves.
Ken making sure my bike "worked."  You can't see the Koley but can you see the breathtaking flag?  It's astounding!
So, on Maiden Voyage Ken rode his old mission bike (that's practically new) and I carted Ol' King Kole around.  It was hard work.  My butt hurts.  And my quads and shins.  Even my ankles are sore.  I would fall so far behind and Ken kept hollering back, "Shift DOOOWWWN!" 
But I ain't no holla' back girl.
And shifting down didn't help anyway.  It just made me look stupid.  I'd be pedaling a zapillion times a minute and move 2 feet.  Idiotic.  I don't mind moving slow as long as my pedaling matches.  Does that make sense?  It's so liberating to have one.  I feel like one of the cool moms now.  I keep saying that "Kole loves it."  But who am I kidding?  I'm the one who is completely gaga over it.  I mean.... I took three bike rides today.  And I'm going to try to take at least that many tomorrow.

Can you see a little head in there?  Or are you too busy staring at my gut?  It's REALLY sticking out for some reason.  "Not sucking in" is most likely the reason.

I'm trying not to be all boring and parent-y and only talk about my kid.  But, let's face facts.  I'm all of those things.  And this is a big deal for me.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Come What May

The reason I married Ken is I didn't know life could be that good.
He made life easy.
He would pick me up from my night classes and ask if I needed anything.  Anything.
He would get it.
He cared about me so deeply.  Intimately.
Every up I had he experienced the euphoria.
Every down - he was there.
He made decisions easy.
It was my thoughts with his words.
He supported every whim, idea, indulgence, desire, and plan I ever had.
Getting married wasn't hard.
Being married isn't hard.

It made life clearer.
The reason I married Ken hasn't changed.
It has resonated further within me.
He hears me out.
He doesn't judge.
He never doubts.
That's why I married Ken.
He is that man.
The man who carried me into a world I didn't even know about.


Lately, it has been bugging me that I don't have any bumper stickers on my car.  I'm sure there are people who think they are ugly and tactless and gaudy and impossible to get off- but I just love them!  It's like introducing yourself to people in traffic. Anytime people invest money to put extra things onto their vehicles it defines that person... through their car. 
For instance, someone has a bike rack and a luggage rack and some Teton bumper stickers (or Colorado plates) you can guess that person enjoys the outdoors and probably eats granola and shops at Whole Foods.  They probably name their children Apple and Virtue.  They are just salt of the Earth people. 
Then you can take seeing a teal Chevy Cavalier with extremely tinted windows and blinging rims and a killer bass system and a big pastel pink Playboy Bunny vinyl on the back window.  You would draw conclusions from that too.
And Vanity plates!  I love vanity plates.  I like trying to figure out what the really crypted ones say.  Sometimes I can't figure it out before the light turns green so I hurry and write it down to work on later.  I keep a sharpie in the cup holder.
All my car says about me is... she has her license.  Lame dash O.  I keep thinking what would I put on my bumper?  Something Harry Potter I think.  Maybe.  That's a little childish I guess.  I'm not into the family stick people.  My family isn't that big.  I'm from Pittsburgh-but I'm not huge on the Steelers.  It's really a difficult decision.  Maybe that's why I haven't made the leap yet.  But I am on the look out.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Good Morning, Doctor.

Kole slept until 9:30 this morning.  He went to bed at 8:15 last night which is a little early for him.  I was ecstatic.  I was awake but decided to stay in bed and read until the Koley started grumbling around.  At 9:30 there was no grumbling and I figured instead of throwing our whole day way WAY off schedule I'd wake him up.  I went in there and immediately knew something was wrong.
He didn't sit up when I came in.  He didn't look at me when I called his name.  He was just laying there.  Staring.  He was breathing real slow and his eyes were all glazed over.  I rubbed his back. "Koooolllleeey.  Are you ready to get up sugar pop?"  He let out a little moan.  I touched his forehead and he was burning up!   I mean burning.  When I picked him up his body was limp and he shivered and shook for a bit.  I nursed him and he just kept his eyes close.  He's never been like this.  He fell asleep a couple times while nursing and when breakfast was over... he just laid there.  I set him on the floor and he fell over.  He tried to get up but just cried and cried and cried.  It was too hard for him.
I went over what we did yesterday.  A lot.  Lunch with the cousins, zoo with the cousins, playtime with the cousins, (today's post was supposed to be a lot more fun.)  We went father's day shopping.  We did a ward service project.  A lot happened.  Was he dehydrated?  Did he have heat stroke?  Do babies get that?  I called Ken who said to call the pediatrician.  I suggested waiting an hour or so to see if he perked up....but after I took his temperature (101.5) I called.  We went in and Kole was all sad and snugly. When the doctor came in Kole was a little scared.  I think it was the mustache.  And the crazy hair and crazy shirt and crazy props.  Kole is a mellow kid.  "Over-the-top" doesn't really work on him.  It worked on me though!  I was completely charmed by this on call doctor.  I felt like he really understood his audience.  (Which is kids...not mothers.)  Anyway- after the doctor checked all his vitals and assured me all THAT was fine... Kole started to pep up a little.  Which is great but also so embarrassing.  I felt like saying, "I swear he wasn't feeling good 10 minutes ago."  The doctor quizzed me on what we did over the weekend.  Saying if he was sick it would have been something that happened then.  Nothing was out of the ordinary from my answers. 
Then the doctor pulled Kole's lips a part like he was a little colt.
"Aha!," he exclaimed.  "Your son has 5 teeth coming in right now."
I was shocked.  Embarrassed.  Relieved.  Comforted.  I felt a little sheepish. And I let out a huge breath I'd been holding in all morning.  I get really nervous when I am going to a doctor for something that should be routine.  I've been this way ever since I was diagnosed with the tumor.  I went in for nothing big and found out I had a brain tumor.... the nervousness sorta sticks with you.
The doctor told me it was rare to get so many teeth at once but it does happen.  Kole just needs a little extra help over the next week or so in the form of Infant Ibuprofen, Popsicles, distractions, and cuddling.  I was really surprised when he just flapped Kole's mouth open like that.  I'm always tender and think "Oh he doesn't want me to touch his gums."  I gotta toughen up.  A top one is barely peeking through the gums and there are three more throbbing, puffy, pillows next to it.  And then one more coming in on the bottom. It looks so painful. 
I took Kole to Walgreen's and we got the goods.  I picked some Popsicles that I would eat too.  I'll eat the rootbeer ones.  Koley can have the cherry ones.  Dad can have the rest. 
He seems mostly sleepy now.  I gave him the ibuprofen which he downed like a champ.  I hope that breaks his fever.  I'm supposed to check his temperature every hour as long as he's awake. 
It's scary when your kid is sick.
Even now when I know it's just his toothers.  I still don't like seeing him so not himself.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Chop Goes the Axe

This is me... uh... 3 hours ago. It's also been me the last, I don't know, 10 years.  You see all through high school I had super super super short hair.  You know, the "pixie cut," it was shorter than most boys' hair.  Short.  And most of the time bleached almost white.  When I was a senior I decided I better grow it out so it would be long when I got married.  What a good planner I have always been.  I don't know if it was the hair in this picture or the angle of the camera or the outfit or the "baby weight."  But... I look rather stocky in this picture.  It's okay.  You can agree.  We're friends.

Then today... I visited Julie... and goodbye last ten years of the same boring hair cut!  Hello sexy mama!  I do think this picture (or the new haircut) makes me look more figure-ly.  I have always felt wide in the front and slim on the sides.  Child bearing hips I guess.

Da da da DA daaaaa... I'm lovin' it!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Kole has started to pitch fits.  It came straight out of left field.  (Where does that saying originate?)  One day, he is sweet little Koley.  Angelic, charismatic, easy going.  Next day, I'm asking myself who the heck are you?!  Now, for those of you who know Kolester- he doesn't cry.  Like ever.  Occasionally when he gets really tired he'll cry for a nap.  But most of the time he just watches the breeze blow by.  He'll point and wave and observe.  Best baby.  Unless....
Unless he happens to be carrying an object.  Most likely an object he shouldn't be holding.  Like today he was holding a lint roller.  I don't know where he got it- I just looked down and he had a lint roller.  So, after shining up my Mother Badge, I bent down to take it from him.  But those chubby hands were not letting go.
"Come on, Koley.  You can't play with this."
His eyebrows furrow and his knuckles turn white.
I try reasoning with the laddy but he's only 10 months old.  Reasoning is... pointless.
So!  I take it.  I overpower the cub and take the lint roller.  In the past, this would have been no big thing he would have scurried off to find a paperclip to stick in alight socket or so scissors to crawl with.  But, today, it was different.  I took the lint roller and the sky came a-tumblin' down.  He screamed.  His body shook.  He fisted his hands and yelled.    Angry tears leaked out of his eyes.  He wasn't crying- he was just pissed off. I think he was yelling at me. I know my laughing didn't help.  I was just so surprised.  He had never made these sounds before. 
Later, I had closed the baby gate and Kole didn't like that either.  It wasn't anywhere near the fit we had with the lint roller, but I think he was swearing at me. In his own way.

Monday, June 6, 2011

He Thinks I'm Funny

Ken has laughed really hard at some things I have done recently and I just don't get what's so funny about them.

1.  I called the radio station and requested a song.  When I told Ken he was up in ka-hoots! Like he had never heard of such a ridiculous thing before.  I told him people did it all the time and he didn't really believe me.  What is so funny about that?  In case you are wondering I requested Rihanna's "Breaking Dishes" and the radio station said they didn't have it.  I told them they should get it.  And they told me it doesn't work that way.  I was confused.  What way?  We went back and forth for awhile.  I wasn't my nicest.  And I didn't get to hear my song.
2.  It's been hotter lately.  Finally.  Like high 70s, maybe?  We were taking a walk with Kole and I said "It's a scorcher out here!"  Again- Ken was in hysterics.  He thought "scorcher" was so funny.  What is so funny about that?  It really was hot out.  I thought the day should definitely be classified as "scorcher."  I don't know.

It's another scorcher out today and Koley is sleeping.  So I am going out on the deck to read.  Bon Soir!

Friday, June 3, 2011


Kohlrabi is a German Turnip.

It's also a nickname for my favorite son, Kole Robert.  Get it? Eh?  Eh? Clever, huh?
Lil' Kohlrabi has adopted 4 really interesting quirks as of late.

1.  He likes fat strangers as opposed to skinny strangers.  I know that is weight discrimination.  But if you are a chubbo Koley will smile and giggle and flirt with you.  If you are a Slim Jim he will turn away and give you the Kole Cold Shoulder.  Brutal I know.  Now, don't use this to judge your weight if you think you are borderline.  Kole smiling does not mean you are fat.  9 times out of 10 he's friendlier with chubby people.  Maybe he feels like they understand where he is coming from.
2.  He is constantly looking for dogs.  He tries to say dog.  It sounds like "Dawd."  But he'll be pointing to a dog when he says it. Smart as a whip.  If you say dog Kole will spin his head around so fast looking for mentioned canine.  And he won't give up until a dog is produced.  So, if you don't see a dog- don't say you do.  It's unsettling to my very determined little dog-lover.
3.  He likes doors to be closed.  I think this is from his dad.  Both are very private people.  We go into a room and Kole will crawl over and close the door and then get a book to read (or edit) and a truck to hold.  He likes doors closed but cupboards, drawers, closets, and wardrobes open!  He makes his rounds.  Makes sure everything he wants open is open and everything he wants closed is closed.  What a mind on this kid.
4.  He is relatively unticklish.  Except for his ribs.  And you have to bite them to get a laugh.  You can't tickle with your hands.  If you use your hands and that high pitched "tickytickytickyticky!"  he'll stare at you.  Blankly.  And make you feel like an nincompoop.  But if you put your teeth on that exact same area laughter will ring through the hills.  And he'll beg for more.  For like an hour.  So make sure you have blocked off some time.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Trailers for Sale or Rent

Tuesday night I did I bike ride with the Young Women.  Since I have the Chubby Cubby I thought I better skip it.  I mean, I'm good, but I don't think I could carry him AND ride a bike.  He's like 30 pounds.  But as the hour drew nearer I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to go!  So I called my friend, Karlene, and she let me borrow her trailer for the kiddy AND her bike.  I have my own two-wheeled machine of madness... (a little over the top there) but hers was already hooked up and what not. 
Most awkward part was probably trying to ride off their front lawn.  With her and her hubby and a couple of her kids watching me.  I was laughing... which made it harder to pedal.... and there was the grass... and then 50 or so pounds I was lugging.  I turned around and told them they didn't have to watch but they assured me it was entertaining. Thanks, guys.
Okay. Kiddy trailer is AMAZING! Kole loved it.  Hands up and squealing the whole hour and a half.  I'm serious HANDS UP!  It was adorable.  And when we would stop- wait.  Let me rephrase:  When the Young Women would stop so I could catch up, catch my breath, and catch a break Kole would burst into laughter.  That hearty belly laugh I love so much.  He truly was King of the Road.
Let me tell you.  I am waaaay past out of shape.  I have no muscle at all.  When I stepped off the bike my legs crumpled.   Kole laughed.  I held onto the bike for support.  And hills! Aye! Hills were a killer.  But it was kinda fun to stand up on the bike going up hill... you know... and feel twelve again. 
My sisters and I used to put on performances on our bikes.  We'd weave a figure eight, ride with no hands, stand on our seats, and get mad if mom looked away for one second. 
I was the only one sweating on our casual bike ride and I thought I would need a respirator and the lower 55% of my body was burning.  It made me want a trailer soooo bad.  Because sweating makes me feel sporty and all that heavy breathing really enhanced the smell of all the blooming trees and it was a good burning and I know that if I get one then I will also have sexy legs like this:
Yeah.  I think a summer of pulling a bike trailer and a can of spray on tanner ought to do it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Is It Just Me?

I watched the new (like a year ago)Princess and the Frog movie.  Two things.  One- this movie furthers my theory that you can like NAY fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them.  Examples?  Fine!  Beauty and the Beast, Shrek, Princess and the Frog, Tangled, Aladdin, and those are just the cartoons.  I think every romantic comedy is based on this recipe.  Which would never work in real life.  Or at least didn't work in my real life.
Was I the only one who caught this?  I mean COME ON!  It's uncanny!