Thursday, September 8, 2011


Part of my surprise birthday gift was shopping at Victoria Secret with Sheri.  <-- She's my mother in law.  After a year of having my little cub gnaw on my I needed a boost.  Big time.  Now.  To rewnid a little into Patty's Bra Past.
Before I got married I was a 36C.  You know, that perfect size.  It's the size that has the most fun colors and patterns and styles.  I loved being a 36C.  A few years after I got married I let the girls at VS measure me up again.  I just loved hearing "You're a 36C."  Well, I was shocked when she said, "Does 36D sound right?"  Ummmm.  No.  No it doesn't!  But sure enough, after trying on the "samples", it was a perfect fit.  They showed me the drawer of the style that I liked and all it had in it was beige and white bras.  I held one up.  Total Grandma Bra.  Where were the flowers?  The lace?  The red snakeskin print?  I guess once your chest gets so big they figure you don't deserve it. I sulked around for a couple days.  And resolved that the "D" in "36D" stood for Deeeee-scusting.
I thought I had it bad then.
Psht.  Now up to present time.
Last month, I went and got measured after a year of nursing the Koley.  I had come to peace with being a 36D and needing boulder holders and was even okay that they only came in grandma colors.  The sales girl measured me.
"Ok.  I have you at a 38 Double D.  Is that what you are wearing?"
I'm sure I blushed.
"No, that is NOT what I am wearing.  I am a 36D.  I used to be a 36C."
She just looked at me.  Really unimpressed, apparently, that I used to have the perfect cup size and decided to share that with her.
"Well," she continued, "We can have you try on a 36D to see if it feels comfortable but you are measuring larger than that.  At the Double D."
Maybe it was only in my mind but I swear she put an emphasis on the "double".  Like one D couldn't do the job or something.  The D had to call backup.  I can't even say "Double D" without making a double chin and cringing.
It should have come as no surprise (but really came as a HUGE surprise) that the 36 D did not contain me. At all.  Shocker.  I tried stuffing everything in but it was pointless.
With my head down I asked for a larger size.
At least the sales girl wasn't all glib about it.  She politely smiled and asked me to try on some new styles.
The Double D's fit like a glove.  Worked like a charm.   And were much more comfortable.  Have you tried Incredible by Victoria Secret.  I mean, wow.  When I put it on my back immediately felt better.  Ha!  That should have been a clue that my boobies were huge-y.  I dressed and came out of the dressing room with the Incredible  in hand (which is amazing) and told Sheri I was boosted up to a 38DD.  She hardly believed it. 
The sales girl took me over to the drawer where I was fully expecting to see a drawer full of dingy colored bras and a little note card that said something like:
We aren't going to waste an excessive amount of beautiful material to make a bra large enough to cover your expansive hooters. 
I was happy there was no such card.  And happier still there were pink, purple, and teal bras.  With a leopard overlay.  Gorgeous!  Sheri stocked me up and can I say, I think wearing a bra that fits me (even though it is on the large end of the scale) actually makes me look less big.  Not AS full.  It contains the reckless bounciness.  I'm loving it.
And- yes, I am a 38DD.  I am pretty sure that's the top of the food chain.
After DD where do you shop?
This is me in about...25 years.


Julia said...

hahahahaha. I am just laughing all by myself over here. I will tell you after you completely stop nursing, they will shrink. Big time. Like balls of sand in pantyhose. It's terrible.

Ru said...

Ha, I love this. I remembered when I moved up from C to D as a result of law school poundage. It was reaaaaaaal depressing. (C *is* the perfect size, why is this not more universally acknowledged?) The last time I was measured, the VS sales girl said I was between a D and DD, even though I was pretty sure I'd lost weight. I gave her some serious stinkeye.

And no, I don't even have a kid. I can only imagine what will happen if this trend continues.

Holli Fuhriman said...

First I have to say I love your writing! You are so clever and whitty. Makes me smile! Also I was glad to hear you were finally able to move and be with Ken full time but kind of sad that I'd procrastinated our playdate and getting to know you better. I hope you'll forgive me.
Secondly, this makes me really want to go bra shopping, but I know it's pointless. Pregnancy and nursing and everything makes these girls change daily it seems. Blah

Cinderella, the A-Train and Our Little Caboose said...

haha, that is so crazy! I felt like I totally shrunk after having kids (not that I had anything to loose). At least you don't look like a little boy if you put a sports bra on! It's completely embarrassing.

Jeannie said...

...AFTER double D...well, my daughter, at 15 crossed into the "we don't carry unusual sizes" department. We had to travel out of town - the closest place that had her size - 32F - was a mastectomy boutique. Yeah. She loved going there. Oh. And her bras all cost $90+

She got up to a 32G when she got heinously pudgy and almost had to wear a size 7. (I'm being sarcastic) Because the bra sizes don't go beyond that and we'd be in the custom made bra market, she has to watch her weight. She's 26 now and there are a couple places in town now where she can shop but the bras are all over $100. But there are sales!