Monday, April 30, 2012

"Z" Is For Zeal

I've been having the feeling that I've devoted my life to something that I have no control over.
I'm still struggling with the little guy.
He had a series of good days.  And his grandparents were here over the weekend.  That helped.
Then, last night, when he was so tired (at 6:30) and throwing everything and screaming at me, I felt like throwing up the white flag.
Instead I sunk into silence.  I followed the routine for Kolester and didn't add any special zazz or try to make it fun.  I just wanted him in bed.  Asleep.  Quiet.
Of course that didn't happen.
He screamed for an hour.  Then I went in his room and laid my big heavy over-stretched belly out on the floor next to his crib and held his hand for another hour until he feel asleep.
I kept thinking, "He is too old for this."

I really felt like I was losing at life.

I used to not be bothered by his "bad days."  I could focus on the big picture.  I know it's worth it.  And time takes time.  But... that eagerness and excitement I used to feel in raising him has blown out.  Big time.  Playing trucks from 8 in the morning until 7 at night with a 2 hour nap-break has lost its shimmer.  Reading and re-reading and re-reading "Animals at Play" doesn't really light me up.  I can't even think of clever things to say about the pictures.  I'm just in a rut.

I feel incredibly guilty about it too.
The love for my child is still there.  In full force.
But the zeal is wavering.  Not what it used to be.



9 comments:

Joshua said...

Oh, so been there. Ferberizing both kids was horrible. Extremely, extremely horrible. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm sure you're a good mother, Patty. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Chris Loves Julia said...

I think that if you didn't play trucks for 9 hours a day, you would be happier. You don't like playing trucks. Kole likes playing trucks. So let him play trucks! Greta does a lot of things right along side of me. If I am painting a wall, I give her a paintbrush. She empties the dishwasher. I push her in the stroller as I power walk. And maybe for 30 minutes a day, I get down on the floor and play blocks. Make sure you stay true to you.

Juli said...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PATTY GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! <---Yes in all capitals...

Kole is a growing boy, he's asserting his independence and probably feeling a little insecure about the baby that's coming. It's normal.

Likewise, it's normal for you to be tired, you're growing a baby woman! Do you think that just "happens"? No! Growing body parts is tough work. It's OKAY to just go through the motions. It doesn't make you any less of a mother. Honest. If it did, I'm sure I wouldn't even be qualified to scrub the floor in my house by now.

Breathe honey.

Kar said...

As your gynie used to say to you when you were preggo with Kole, "That's completely NORMAL." :) I echo Julie. Don't do it if you don't like doing it. I HATE playing paper dolls with Sadie. So I come up with other things that I LIKE doing that we can do together, like playing Ticket to Ride with her. And for reals, buy some earplugs for night time and Kole's nap time. If he's fed, changed, etc., and it's time to sleep, then you make him stay in there. No toddler ever died from crying himself to sleep for a couple of nights. Get some earplugs. Or listen to "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz at top volume on your ipod. That's what I do when I need to drown out some noise. :)

ejwforeman said...

I've felt the same way with my little one. Sometimes their bad days can just make you want to wave the white flag as high and as fast as you can! Walter (my little one) just finally cut both of his bottom molars after what seemed like 100 years and a million bad days, but it's over!!! If you have someone to watch your little guy, go and take as many hours away as they'll allow you and soak up some you time.

Michelle said...

Oh, I remember those days! I wanted to run away and then felt so guilty of that desire. I was so tired of the tantrums, and the same old same old. Motherhood is a hard business. Don't forget to take some time for yourself!

DoublClik said...

Do you sometimes just want to sit him down and talk to him like an adult one on one? Lol "Look Kole, we need to negotiate here...."

SkippyMom said...

I missed this post. I'm sorry. :)

But I have to completely agree with most of what is being said here - especially "Chris Loves Julia" and "Kar".

Jackie said...

This too shall pass. I recall giving your Mom pretty much the same advice oh about 25 or so years ago!!