Monday, February 4, 2013

Bed Wars

When me and Ken were engaged one of the things I was most excited about was living together... mostly sharing a bed.  All that cuddle time and extra warmth!  I couldn't wait.  On our honeymoon I fell asleep wrapped in his arms every night.  Sigh.  And woke up all cramped and sore.
Our first night back, in our brand new queen-sized bed, Ken scooted over to put his arm around me.  I stopped him right there.  "Hey, I like to snuggle.  But I like to sleep real good too."
Snuggles stopped. All the crazy spooning to sleep stopped.  Do people really sleep like that?  Is it comfortable to them?
We agreed (slash I declared) that getting restful sleep was better than sharing a romantic snuggle all night.
7 years later.
We still share queen-size bed (that seems to shrink every year) and sleep is anything but restful sleeping next to the Bed Weasel.  Ken steals covers.  Kicks.  Elbows.  Talks.  I'd like to say it's like sleeping next to _______ (<-- some kind of crazy animal) but I can't.  Because it's not like sleeping at all!  It's like being awake and annoyed.  All night.
I have the unfortunate duty of feeding Joey is the middle of the night.  I don't mind feeding the baby.  I hate the Bed Conquering that occurs when I am gone.  Ken not only moves to my side of the bed.  He lays on my pillow.  Da nurrrve.  I'd say half the time when I ask him to move he just rolls over.  The other half he grunts out a "no."  And, really.  He doesn't move.  It's harsh.  And cold.
Ken also does this thing that we call "Talon-ing."  It's when he gets his sharp toenails (his talons) and scrapes and cuts at my feet until I move them out of his way.  He says it's "an accident." BULL-oney.  Don't believe it.
Another night, I had come in from feeding the baby and my side of the bed was still waiting there for me.  What a nice surprise.  I climbed into bed and Ken lifted up the covers for me.  He was totally asleep.  I snuggled in and he put his arm down on me.   I let out a big peaceful sigh and then BOOM!  I got kneed in the butt!  And Ken yelled, "HERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS CORN!"
I sat up and said "What?!"
But he was sound asleep.
In the morning I asked him what Christmas Corn was and he had no idea.

I'm thinking we need a bigger bed.  Or separate beds.
What about you?  What are your sleeping situations?  What's your tactic for claiming bed space?   Does your bed partner talk all night?
I can guarantee you can't be any worse off than I am.

6 comments:

Beth Willmore said...

Christmas corn?! I'm dying here! Jared talks in his sleep and also chases, wrestles, yells at, and arrests criminals in his sleep if he's had a stressful day. That includes yelling, "STOP RESISTING" and "HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!" You might think that's sexy or romantic talk, no my friend it is not. It scares the living crap out of me because I'm afraid one of these days he's going to black my eye in his sleep!

Juli said...

OH, darling... CHRISTMAS CORN! Hysterical! We actually do snuggle every night for most of the night... until we fear that we'll kill each other with our breath, then we divide and conquer. For winter, I keep an extra blanket and sheets on my side, so when he steals them I have my own set. Separate sheets keeps the killer toenails at bay as well. I recently upgraded to a memory foam pillow, which he hates, so he no longer steals it.

Now if I could just find a way to keep him from breaking the "heat seal" when he comes to bed an hour or so after me...

Patty said...

@ Beth: Ken is a financial planner and it's at least 3 times a month I am asked about my portfolio and what my plans are to secure my financial future.

@Juli- THE HEAT SEAL! AAAAA! The magical heat seal. So important. So horrible when tampered with.

Chris Loves Julia said...

King-sized bed, ftw. ;)

P.S. Chris says he grew up with a Beth Willmore. Same one?

Kar said...

CHRISTMAS CORN? That made me laugh so hard. Totally made my day. Haha! Ben says I steal the bed...yikes. I really try not to. When I do, I can guarantee it's not on purpose. I start out clear on my edge of the bed. Literally the edge. When we wake up, I'm in the middle, on my back, with my hands behind my head, elbows in Ben's face. I feel bad. Maybe you guys (and us) need to try a king-sized bed... Ben does snore a LOT, and I've found the earplugs do wonders. I used to have to just stomp upstairs and sleep on the couch half the time, because it was LOUD.

Katie Montei said...

First time on your blog, don't ask how I found my way here (isn't that always how it goes?). Anyway, I love your writing - and your insights. This post in particular had me laughing hard (but in that, quiet-heaving-laugh-so-I-don't-bother-my-coworkers kind of way). I am newly married, and learning to sleep with someone else has probably been one of our most enduring struggles so far. I'm forever waking him up to get him to scoot over because he's a furnace,and he's squished himself right next to me, flung his arm over me, and his legs are sprawled across the bed so that I effectively have about 4 square inches of space. My polite request to move is returned with growling incoherently, but usually I hear "bed nazi" somewhere in there. This happens probably about 5 times throughout the night. We're in a DOUBLE bed right now. Good. Gracious.